Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Fear, Self Confidence, Disappointment

"Fear keeps me doing what I shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing what I should."

That's what my sponsor tells me, and it's true. Fear has kept me from doing many things -- pursuing any real career, taking better care of myself and well, developing a full and fulfilling life.

Here I find myself at 48 so unsure of myself and my abilities that I stay stagnant. I haven't courageously grown the necessary skills to do much of anything in the real world.

I just took a little hostessing job at a local restaurant for a couple of reasons -- I need to get out and it seems social, it's close to home and the people seem nice. BUT as easy as it is (i had my first night last night), i am scared that i'm not capable of ably seating people in a smallish restaurant.

AND i went after this particular job, because i'm convinced i have NO other skills. Vaguely pathetic, huh? Still, i'm doing something which is better than nothing

I kept my life tiny for, well, all my life. For the first 40 years, all efforts went toward food -- bingeing, puking and starving. Then, i blotted life out through drugs and alcohol.

Those "coping" methods are gone and now i have to face the life I never developed.

I read a lot of autobiographies about people who found their passions and achieved in ways, big and small. i always thought i'd be one of those people who found what i loved and built around it

i consider myself to have a creative temperament; however, i don't have creative talent which is, evidentally, a bit of a problem.

I've always been a dreamer, but not much of a worker.

All I can do now is be brave and hardworking for as my sponsor says, "fear keeps me doing what I shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing what i should."


  1. Thanks so much for your advice
    I actually went back to my first meeting last Thursday
    I took your advice and went with a friend
    It turned out that I had nothing to be worried about, everyone was glad to see me and I was glad to see them
    A few said they didn't recognise me as I have regained most of the weight I lost
    I just hope I can keep it up now
    I remember hearing someone at a meeting say that recovery is like a boat, if you get in to the middle you won't fall off
    I think that's where I've gone wrong in the past, I've stayed on the fringes of recovery
    I will do my best to stay well now

    Thanks again x

  2. May I be so bold as to suggest some reframing?
    You say you are 48 and stagnant and still don't know who you are.
    I say that at 48 you are enlightened enough to know that you are not done growing, that you are a creature still evolving. Imagine what a great world this could be if everyone thought that way!
    You say you took a job as a hostess, a job lacking challenge and you chastise yourself for being nervous about it.
    I say that new jobs are among the most stressful changes we face, so it's normal to be nervous. I also say that your nerves show that you want to do this job well! That shows passion and a sense of intention. Think what a great world it would be if everyone thought that way.
    You say that you have no creative talent. I ask you to reread your blog and pay special attention to the comments you receive-- especially those from the countless people you've helped and inspired. Then go ahead and try to say again that you have no creative talents... without laughing!
    You say you have done nothing with your life. I say that you are a demon slayer. You're always battling three of the worst... ED, alcohol, drugs. And you
    re doing it on a battlefield in front of everyone. So brave! Imagine if everyone could be as brave as you.

    Keep on keeping on, my gentle friend. You're doing fine.

  3. Ruby; sorry it took me so long to respond, but i've been thinking of you. so glad you went to a meeting and felt comfortable. do you mind me asking which meeting you attend - NA, AA, OA?

    Hope you are continuing to feel comfortable and continuing to take good care of yourself!

    Danielle Mari; THANK YOU. i'd say i've re-read your comment, oh, several hundred times. you put the bounce back in my step. bless you.

    i play your words over and over in my head and i am encouraged. hope you are well, my friend!

  4. Hmmmm... where do I start? How about the fear of not capably seating people in a smallish restaurant.

    Back when my kids were babies, I took a job as a hostess in a hotel restaurant. On one particularly slow night--the place was practically empty--a woman came in by herself. I seated her in a spot that was typically used for people dining alone. I poured her water and went back to my station out front.

    Soon a man came in. I seated him in a spot that was typically used for people dining alone. Obviously, I must have been operating on auto pilot--imagine the woman's surprise when she came back from the salad bar to find a man sitting in her seat! I sincerely doubt you would be as ditzy as me and seat two people in the same damn seat. In an empty restaurant. You can do it!

    I agree with everything Danielle Mari so eloquently said. I was going to say the exact same thing about your perceived lack of creative talents. Your blog is living proof of your creativity! Your writing inspires others to cope with their own shit in life, whether or not they struggle with ED. Your writing compels people who've never met you to care about you and think of you like a long-lost family member. You're engaging, and NOT in a "What's this train wreck up to now?" way. (There are such blogs out there, you know.) Being able to share your story as you do, with such full-frontal bravery... that's creativity!

    You're awesome, sister. If I knew you in real life, I'd hug you so hard you'd break a rib.