OBESITY AND ME

i'm fascinated by obesity and compulsive eating. Why not, it's my story

although i spent years as an anorexic and bulimic, it's obesity and compulsive eating that feel like "home" to me. that's what i am -- a compulsive eater, hwo sometimes masqueraded as anorexic

food was my world. sophomore year of college, i gained 70 pounds in six months. i couldn't sleep, i couldn't breathe, i wouldn't do anything but eat. yet, for all the pain -- emotional and physical, i kept eating. and eating. eating.......

when i was obese, i was miserable -- emotionally demoralized and physically uncomfortable most of the time.

emotional pain -- the terror that i couldn't, wouldn't stop eating, the shame that i'd grown 12 sizes in six months, the certainty that i'd never be anything to anyone.

physically, i hurt. my thighs chafed daily, my bra strap left deep angry marks on my still narrow shoulders, my belly rolls folded and folded, making it uncomfortable to sit.

and still, i ate.

in the years i was starving, all i thought about was food. i made long, endless lists of all the food i would eat if i wouldn't gain weight. it was huge amounts of high calorie mixtures -- pancakes drenched in butter and syrup with bacon and eggs, pecan pie with wet walnuts, ice cream, hot fudge and whipped cream,

with bulimia, i ate all those foods and so many more and then purged, starved and binged again trying to fill the bottomless pit that was my soul.

if weight gain were not an option, i would have eaten constantly all day without breaks.  when asked, hypothetically, what i would do if i found out i had only hours to live, i wanted to pull my car into Applegate's Dairy in Montclair, NJ and eat ice cream until the end.

such a sad life, limited to food

Behind Overeating

i have never much equated overweight and health issues, because i thought that was unfair and judgmental. sure, some ailments seem aggravated by excess weight, but i certainly know thin people with heart trouble, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol, etc.

but this week, james gandolfini and my very overweight brother had heart attacks. my brother is just fine and healing nicely but with the strictest of orders to change his diet immediately.

and now that i'm working at a restaurant with an all-u-can eat salad bar, i see numerous folks laboring under the burden of layers of fat.

and so, i am even more fascinated than ever (if that's possible) by people's food habits, particularly the desire to eat and eat and eat.

it's in me -- i'm, by nature, a compulsive eater. i understand the desire to drown myself (my emotions) in food.  for me, it's a huge sadness that wants to be comforted, and i find i get a little sad watching very large folks load their plates.

i'm hostessing at a family restaurant with decent food, fairly reasonable prices and that, aforementioned, all-u-can eat salad bar. lots of our patrons are older and many are overweight.
most folks who come in want to sit right near the salad bar and complain with notable bitterness when there isn't something available in its exact vicinity. this seems understandable when the customer is using a walker, in a wheelchair, in a cast, etc. but so  many an able-bodied individual gets visibly angry when seated in a farther corner. yet, it's a pretty small restaurant.

the salad bar is lavish and one serving  often seems more than a meal. but folks go back three and four times and then eat a main course and often, dessert.

what is the insatiable appetite for so much food and with no work (a tiny walk to the salad bar) involved.

is it an emptiness -- a feeling that there won't be enough food to fill me, that i won't be able to tolerate even a few short steps to get to the food i need.
does anyone have any other ideas?

Sad

 Loneliness. Aloneness. Just happen

i don't really understand. i've been reaching out and going out. 

i don't really understand. 

has anyone else gone thru a time like this?   

Taking Responsibility

i let life happen to me. when would the right job find me? why wasn't the rich boyfriend en route? why couldn't i spend all the money i wanted, eat all the food i craved, drink my weight in wine and all without consequence?

finally, at a real financial crossroads, i'm ready to step up and do what i need to do to own this life.

in my last post, i mused about whether or not to waitress. fact is, right now, i can't afford not to!!! kind of a hard reckoning, but a real one.

i'm scheduling training next week and i'm very, very nervous, but i'm doing the right thing and, perhaps, the only thing right now - to keep me afloat.

it feels -- grown up! cool

Waitressing at 50

okay, 49.

i've posted that i started hostessing at a local restaurant in November. it's easy, breezy and i make a little extra money. but it's a very little extra.

lots of people are telling me i should ask to wait tables because for about the same hours, i'd make a lot more money.

i'd keep the day job, of course, but with all my car and dental bills, extra money would HELP.

still, i'm terrified. i was a TERRIBLE waitress in college (about 30 years ago, to be exact.) bad with the computer, terrified under pressure, clumsy, etc.

 i enjoy hostessing after the stress of the day job. i'm pretty good at it and feel relaxed and pleased at the end of the shift. it's almost my refuge. do i give that up?

on the other hand, how much of a choice do i have? money isn't actually a luxury, is it? 

why not give it a try, right? still, scarey!

Age -Related

 i have to start here. Since i was 10 years old, i have gotten my period EVERY 29 days. Now, one month from my 49th birthday, i've had a few funky months. This month, it's a week late. i haven't been a day late in 29 years.  In previous years, I would have counted back and worried and run out for an EPT. This month, i sort of thought of timing, realized it was pretty impossibly, but also realized that :timing" probably wasn't the point anymore.

I've LOATHED, DESPISED AND SIMPLY HATED my period since i was 10 and couldn't unfurl from the fetal position for three days. i've had scopes and procedures and probes and pills, but mostly, i've had crippling cramps.

Since my 10th year, i've joked loudly and confidently that my days were spent waiting for menopause BUT now that i head surprisingly close to 50, i'm not so sure i'm ready.

Understand Men?

and so i ask you, what should i do. what's going on? where did that come from - the fishnet tights? but i'm not that interested as i know what's there there.

the other one wants the same thing as the young one. and just that.

why do young men and married men want me?