A Secret. And my struggles

i gained back five pounds. That's no secret and has nothing to do with anything. but it does.

to begin, the secret. i stole an ambienCR from my sister-in-law and took it yesterday. i haven't decided what to do -- to tell her, to pray that she doesn't notice, to try to get more. i've actually taken (there's an easy word) four from her over the last month. she'll probably notice. this was the first in a while, and the first since my rehab. usually, i'd just get my own from a local doctor from very rare time-to-time. but that's no defense. here IS one defense -- i have asked her many, many times not to leave her Ambien in her bedside drawer, because it is such a lure. that doesn't quite take away the fact that I, a 44 year-old woman, am going into her drawer in her home and stealing sleep pills.

ahhh, what a sleep i slept and how great i felt today. cheerful, rested and upbeat. not sedated and nauseous like i do on the stuff they let me take. the extreme lethary and nausea have been concerning me, but there's really nothing else that doesn't mess with your brain and doesn't make you addicted. it all stinks!

it also stinks that most people seem able to drink moderately. And some people can just stop drinking whenever they feel like it, and it's a not problem ---yes, i do mean you Boyfriend.

we have my sister who's in town (more on her natural skinniness later), and that one wine or glass of champagne she sips and sometimes doesn't finish, throughout the meal. (let's not forget the dessert she has no interest in, et. al.) to her left sits my brother-in-law who grew up wealthy in Europe and pairs his two glasses of wine to the food. he's drinking for the taste! my brother who likes diet coke with his six courses and coffee with sweet-in-low with dessert. and to his left, i give you my sister-in-law on her fourth beer, getting a little red and a little nasty. i resent her too -- no one's telling her to stop drinking. and she gets to drink so much.

i resent everyone who's not me. i want my wine!!!! hello.

it's been a hard holiday season, but it's winding down. i don't want to see a glass of wine for a long, long, long time.

on christmas eve, we went to the Boyfriend's family's. his brothers and sisters-in-law drink for utter recreation on the holidays. his sister-in-law was taste-testing wines. his brothers mixed decadent cocktails all evening. his father (from the old country) did shots. the Boyfriend didn't drink, but he didn't care.

i had no clue what to do with myself, especially when they all spoke Ukranian for the grandparents, aunt and uncles sakes. they've all known each other all their lives. the grandparents met when they first got to the US, and all the kids and their wives went to nursery school together.

usually, a couple of glasses of wine put me at ease. instead, i ate a lot (back to those five pounds.)

thursday, i met a friend at our favorite bar where we know some of the customers. i had diet coke, she had one glass of wine, at my insistence. usually, we'd drink quite a few together. i don't think the bar life is for me now. i was dying of "thirst".

saturday's party was better than expected. most folks didn't drink, but once again, i ate way more than was comfortable.

sunday, monday and tuesday, my brother, his wife and i ate with my sister's family in very (too) expensive beautiful restaurants in manhattan. again, i longed for wine and ate like a super bowl champ. what's with all this over-eating?

my sister's in from pittsburgh. she hasn't gained weight since she had her last kid 13 years ago, and even then, she looked great in a tiny bikini a month later.

i've been jealous since the day i was born, eight years after she. my sister was my EXACT oppositive. she was pretty, never needed braces or glasses, didn't have zits, she was a cheerleader and popular. and always thin. naturally. with no addictions. none.

my sister married a lovely doctor who came from great wealth, and they bore the two greatest kids in the world (i swear, i'm not subjective!) she hasn't worked in eighteen years and takes a lot of french and dance classes. and i can't forget all her charity work.

they travel constantly, often to monaco, where his dad lives. it's a great life.

Sis scratch bakes and cooks and cleans. her home is exquite. grrr.

i have other issues with my sister, which are harder. when my mom was ill, my sister only came at christmas for the final five years. she lived an hours flight, and she didn't work. one year, they took four holidays but refused to visit my mother, because they didn't want to put the dog in the kennel one more time.

my mother begged her to come and to bring the beloved grandchildren, who ADORED my mother. my sister refused, saying she was being guilt-tripped into visiting. she talked to my mom all the time on the phone but wouldn't come from pittsburgh to nj. when she did make that once a year visit, her family would spend all their time in NY while my mother was bedridden in NJ. do i sound a little bitter?

i visited my mom every holiday, weekend and during the week if need be until the last six months, when i discovered crack and stealing. i can't really talk about this yet. i can't believe i wrote it here.

during that time, only my best-friend and the care-giver we hired saw my mom. my sister still refused, and my brother and she were fairly estranged. sis called me all the time, trying to get me to put down the crack pipe and visit my mother. she even "threatened" to come and get me herself (yeah, right). i told her that the best thing she could do for me was visit my mother, so mom wasn't alone at a time i was too messed up to help her. nope.

i got clean for two months, and my family agreed to let me see my mom (i'd been banned),but she fell and went into a coma. HER LAST DAYS WERE THE HARDEST I'D HOPE EVER TO LIVE, watching this vibrant woman in a coma and holding her while she died.

i went back to crack and things got worse. my sister was furious with me and didn't talk to me for almost another year. now, we're friendly. she has no idea that she might have done anything imperfect.

i work on forgiveness. i will never forgive myself. that's okay. i would like to learn to understand that my sister came from her own weird, weak place. some days are better and easier than others.

on those days that i'm giving up booze and drugs, i'm crankier than others.

i haven't had a drink or klonopin and i told my therapist, my group and you about the ambien. before i wrote, i worried that you'd all think i'm awful. this is where i tell the truth. it helps me get real. thanks for listening.