this is a hard post to write. i feel like i'm letting everyone down.
i didn't go to rehab. i was scared. i didn't want to have a stranger for a roommate. i didn't want to make the drive. i didn't want my tweezers taken away. and to not be able to shut the door to my room. and i got my period wednesday and new they'd never give me enough motrin to deal with my incredible cramps.
i think my therapist missed something in our last session Tuesday. i wanted to talk about how scared i was to go. she wanted to talk about how i was going to stay clean and sober after i got out.
proudly, i'm detoxing at home. i'm taking a double dose of antabuse (it's allowed), so there's no way i can get near a drink. (it's weird blogging without a class of wine next to me.)
and i'm withdrawing from klonopin. this is less easy. i'm shakey and not all here, but it's nowhere near as bad as last time. MOOD SWINGS!
it's actually kind of pleasant taking this time for me. i'm reading a great book, taking lots of baths and talking on the phone to my one friend who knows i'm home. she came and took me out for lunch and to the drugstore to refill my antabuse prescription.
my boyfriend has been great. he's leaving me alone, which i need. he calls to see how i'm doing, and if i want him to come over. i tell him no. i need to go thru this by myself.
we're expecting a major snow storm tomorrow, so he brought me groceries, because i will definetely be snowed in up here on the mountain. and a jewelry box, because i don't have one. and i love my jewelry
he told me how much he loves me. he's been through this before with me detoxing and withdrawing and it's so foreign to him.
i asked if he'd go to counseling with me. first, to understand more about addiction, so he can get a better idea of this whole crazy, awful thing. second, i want us to work some stuff out in our relationship. he said yes.
my one wonderful friend and darius are the only two people who know i didn't go. now you all do.
i'm happy to have this free time. last time i detoxed, i was working a super stressful job. and i had to lie about y i needed time off. and i went back to work the very next day, emotionally and physically drained. in this job, i'm off until after new years.
i want to say i got clean and sober in 2008. not 2009.
one day and counting.