yes, i may be saving my life by going to rehab (we'll get to last night's near DUI in the next post), but more importantly (hm) for us ED gals, WILL I GET FAT?
first, there's the pre-rehab pleasures. wine, wine, wine. and with wine comes that glorious loss of reality which leads straight to the refrigerator. (BUT NO MORE DRIVING UNDER ANY INFLUENCE.)
i'm letting things go until tuesday. and letting the boyfriend drive.
then, in rehab, there is nothing to do but eat. and they have food available like 25 hours a day. breakfast, snack, 27 lunch choices, mid-afternoon snack, major dinner (with more desserts than there were lunch choices) and they deliver snacks to your rooms before bed. also note, that there are bagels and pastries in the kitchen at all times, so you can grab a few before you head off to breakfast. AND you're kept so dopey while you're detoxing. when i'm tired and dopey ALL i want is food. food. and more food.
true, a lot of patients NEED to put on weight. the coke, crack and heroin gang haven't had interest in food for a looooong time. (just a side mention, the heroin addicts were all teenagers. is there anything sadder? really, really smart kids. i can't imagine having gotten such an addiction so young. the rest of life is all about fighting to stay clean.)
last time i was there, it was summer, and i walked a lot. i was also a lot more into being thin, so i ate salad bars and drank diet sprite. (you can only have coffee or any caffeine until 9am. cranky melissa!)
now it will be cold, and i've run out of patience for dieting. but i guess not drinking a bottle of wine a day should widdle some of the calories.
when i was there in june i didn't miss the alcohol but i was taking SEVERAL ambien a night and getting off of that was awful. i dreamt about it every night. how many people have romantic dreams about ambien -- night after night?
returning home worries me too. there are some issues to face. if i'm not doing well with the boyfriend and wine is not an option, Mr. Fridge pulls a lot of ...."weight". also, the chips in the closet above the stove.
i'm going to have to DEAL with the problems, aren't i? yick.
i still can't quite believe i'm going. but i am. i'll miss blogging. it's so therapeutic and grounding. i'll miss you all!
I will miss your blog....
ReplyDeleteI will be hear when you get back...
Love yourself my dear, you must Love your self,
we all must.
I am very proud you are taking this step, before rock bottom......you should be proud of yourself as well.......
all the best xox rachel
I used to have romantic and repetitive dreams about a big supersized bag of fries (not in rehab though, just at home!)... if that makes it any less embarrassing! xxx
ReplyDeletethanks me: i'll miss you too. it's great getting to know your blog. i'm leaving wednesday morning. no cellphones, no computers, no tweezers... hope you'll be around the next few days to "Keep me company" before i go
ReplyDeleteabi: when i weighed 40 pound less than i do at this healthy weight, i dreamt about french toast, pancakes and, this one i don't understand, pecan pie with chocolate chip mint ice cream, wet walnuts, home made whipped cream and a cherry on top. we are an interesting group!
Wow, you've been through a lot Melissa...I was born hungry too & really appreciate your honesty here. Good luck with rehab!
ReplyDeleteCan you write in a diary whilst you are there - then transfer it over to the blog?
ReplyDeleteAll your stuff here, so raw and honest. Like an open wound trying to heal. Takes time and courage.
I'm with Linda. Write it down in a notebook, or if they allow you at a computer, but not online, type it out in wordpad, and print it. I must confess, I've lost the ability to "write" in longhand, since being able to type at a computer and monitor. I can compose so much more easily at the computer than with a book and pen.
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't worry about the extra weight. I think when you are not taking downers, you will have more motivation for activity, and you will naturally stay slim. Your metabolism will jump start. Downers make you sluggish and inactivity makes you put on weight, as you know.
I know having an ED makes this damn near impossible at times, but please try to focus on getting healthy first. All the rest will fall into place.
ramona; what were we really born hungry for? is it my fault that i was obese at six months and the doctor put me on skim milk? maybe when i cried, i needed something else. does that resonate with you?
ReplyDeletelinda: welcome to the blog. and thank you for your supportive comments. i'm off to buy a notebook today (can't bring one with spiral binding). i will write copiously and let you all know.
karen: thank you as always. my health must be first. i'm ready for a new life. this one's getting old!