it's harder this time -- being clean and sober. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's because i'm taking it seriously this time? last time i stopped drinking, i think i knew i'd drink again.
this time, i seem to have realized that i can't and don't drink moderately. i've kept the receipt warning the cop gave me instead of a DUI right next to my computer, so i'll see it everyday. To remember that there are serious repercussions when i drink and take pills. i can not drink, and i cannot take sedatives. bah, humbug.
last time, i didn't discuss how tough it was. sometimes, when we get off substances, we feel so good and proud and physically better -- that's called a pink cloud. i had one for a month after i got off crack and the last time i gave up alcohol and, later, pills. not so, this time. it's been rougher and harder.
last time i got off alchol, it was in rehab, surrounded by people who'd been drinking god knows what or how much for more years than they could remember. many were shaking and ill from the withdrawal. my experience was easy in comparison and, so, perhaps i didn't take it as seriously. and i was still taking klonopin and ambien.
this time is HARD. i've been out at a bar twice and have gone to one party. i've got a party tomorrow night and dinner with my whole family Sunday, Monday and possible Tuesday too. my sister-in-law will drink her usual 4, my brother-in-law will have his usual two, and my sister will gracefully nurse her one. and we'll have delicious food, which is, for me at this point in recovery, far less delicious that it would be with a full-bodied cab. (it bugs how much i long for wine. and shows me, again, how good it is that i'm in recovery.))
one side effect of this whole experience -- i feel like i have narcilepsy. my eyes close all the time, no matter how much sleep i get. they're starting to droop.
tomorrow, i'll tell you about my christmas dinner and the two nights at a bar. my sense -- the smart thing to do is to limit those activities. they take a lot out of me.
off to bed. i hope i feel a little rested tomorrow. (i hope we all feel rested tomorrow.)