the near DUI

i don't believe in angels, but someone's trying to remind that i really do need rehab.

this has never happened to me before, but i was pulled over by TWO police cars. yes, i'm a terrible night driver. yes, i was on the phone, yapping with my sister, but YES i had taken klonopin, taken a nap and woken up beyond groggy at 6;30 pm.

late to the boyfriends, i threw on clothes and didn't even stop for the coffee i usually guzzle when i wake up.

so, there i was, blabbering away to the sis, NOT noticing that i hadn't yielded to a police officer AND that i was driving in the shoulder for quite a while.

cops come to the window, which is frozen shut initially. then, i was so panicked, i couldn't find my license and registration. that found, the officer asked me if were on something, was i taking something. terrified, because my klonopin prescription is from India and NOT my psychiatrist, i just mumbled something about lexapro, my anti-depressant.

THEN, he made me get out of the car for those balance tests. he asked if i'd been drinking, and i hadn't, so i practically begged him to breathalize me, and i just kept saying i was bleary from the nap. he made me do some balance exercise where you stand on one foot and balance, counting one-one thousandish, etc. all the way up to 30. i could do three.

"lady", he said, "you have to be honest with me. if you've taken something i can help you, but if you don't tell me, i'm going to have to book you for DUI and revoke your license."

so, i confessed that i'd taken klonopin for anxiety, and it had made me really sleepy. i told him i'd lied because i was scared.

after that he was a sweetheart. he had his buddy drive my car to my house, and he drove me thirty minutes to my boyfriend.

i did get an angel, because trust me, new jersey cops are NOT known for their kindness when dealing with potential DUIs.

one more sign that i'm ready for detox. i need to clean my house out of everything. last time, i left some klonopin and it took another month to get off that. that hurt!

drugs, alcohol, eating disorders -- they all lead to really uncomfortable, scarey and embarrassing situations. if i'm in the bathroom for an extra minute, i'm sure everyone thinks i'm up-chucking. when i was binging, i would cross new york city streets without looking to get to the nearest store. i really didn't care. alcohol -- who cares whom i made out with in bars, and sometimes, whom i took home. and i won't even start the crack stories.

i'm ready to have some freedom and joy. and even to know the pain that i'm no longer anesthetizing.

by the way, i tried that balancing thing this afternoon -- cold sober, drug-free. i could just count to 4. but that doesn't matter. what matters is i could have spent the night in jail, booked, and with no license.