I still watch the scale, and when it's 127, i'm happy. at 128, i get nervous. anything more than that, i have to talk myself down. give myself the little speech, "you're more than a number. be comfortable in and grateful for the body you have, any woman can be beautiful at any size. you're only TWO pounds more than you want to be." blah blah. blah blah. blah blah.
At 127, i jump off the scale happy. no self-talk ensues. i'm good for the day. until mouth hunger hits.
i still battle mouth hunger, especially now that i'm not drinking. i went out with a friend to hang out at a bar tonight. i know this isn't the best place for me, but it's fun to be out on a friday, i like the conviviality of this specific place, people we know hang out there, BUT i'm not going for a while. all those beautiful wines in perfect wine glasses -- all the fancy-freeness HURT. i drank so much seltzer and juice and seltzer with juice and diet soda and coffee -- i spent far more time peeing than with my friend.
all the liquids i jugged replaced the wine that i sipped, so i wouldn't and didn't eat.
now that i'm not drinking, i'm awfully interested in food. i hate this. lots of mouth hunger.
what exactly IS mouth hunger? i'm coming from two places right now. one, i want food when i'm vaguely bored or uncomfortable or nervous, angry, tired (and when hungry too, by the way!) wine helped with the emotional issues. i'm currently in full control of all my faculties and very aware of everything i'm feeling, thinking, et. al. enough pie (yesterday at darius' parents) distracted me for a while.
yet, i was pretty happy at the parents -- i like them very much. at first it wasn't easy, but it never is in the first minutes. his parents speak minimal english (enter a cold chardonnay) and there is SO much food it can be a little threatening. also, it's usually all occurring around 5 pm, a time i'd rarely eat a (big) dinner. (enter a deep cabernet)
after we chat and relax enough, conversation gets easier-- we find some odd mix of ukranian and english that gets understandable, somehow. usually, his father tells me fascinating stories about Ukraine during the Nazis and then communism, and he shares his experiences of coming to the US with nothing but two babies and a young wife. i could listen forever.
this brings to me my second thoughts about the definition of mouth hunger - am i eating seconds on cheesecake and cookies out of emotion, habit or simply because they taste good?
if you've ever read Overcoming Overeating or been to a group lead by Carol Munter and Jane Hirschman, you know they talk about eating when you're hungry and stopping when you're full. i found their approach really helpful here -- sorting out real hunger from mouth hunger.
Munter and Hirshman disagree with that old belief that sugar begets sugar and carbs beget carbs -- maybe you can just eat one potato chip.
and maybe that's true, but find me the kid who doesn't overdue chocolate but eats celery sticks until he's sick. still looking?
sometimes, i think we overeat, because it tastes good. is that a problem? seriously, is it?
i've spent sooooo much time trying to get in touch with hungry and full and determining when i need food and when i just want it because i'm bored. now, i freak out if i eat extra anything, even lettuce, when i know i was already full.
it's all too complicated. there are cooking shows everywhere displaying eating for taste and with gusto. very confusing to me. i'm going back to bed with a big glass of seltzer. hope it doesn't make me pea all night.