The Repercussion Rant

i think i had a stomach flu the last two days. whatever it was; it wasn't pretty.

on top of the fever, headache, diarrhea and throwing up, i also had to contend with the ulcer, which is excruciatingly painful during violent diarrhea and throwing up. it may also contribute to the nausea i still experience, but i won't know until i see my doctor, who can't see me until next tuesday, when i am supposed to be leaving for california. STRESS.

back to that ulcer, which snarls at me a lot lately. it hurts badly if i don't eat often whether i'm hungry or not (confusing for the eating disorder), it hurts when i eat the wrong things but i'm never quite sure what those are, it shrieks when I eat or drink all the things that comfort my eating disorder because they're low-cal and i really like them too-- spices, vinegar, pickles, mustard, coffee, diet soda, and all spicey food. my ulcer loves white bread and potatoes. ironic!

I threw up (sorry, reader) for hours monday night. (Ouch!!!) much of the time i thought about the sadness of what i've done to myself with years of throwing up, laxatives, diuretic, wine, coffee AND never listening to earlier warning signs of side "benefits"like the ulcer.

could we SEE the repercussions and stop where we are and start healing from right here. i want to start listening to those repecussions better, but i don't know if i will. i certainly wouldn't have just a short time ago. i doubt i would have listened to anyone's else's examples either. what a shame.

i hope to have many more years with this body, but have already done a good deal of damage. in years past, i've ignored it. maybe the body just isn't as resilient at 44. after all these years, it has FINALLY hit me how extraordinary it is to not shit without enemas! to have fillings or root canals in almost every tooth. and I was raised with good hygiene. the list goes on, but it's finally, thank goodness, all hitting me. I can't wallow in regret, but i must stop where i am and start taking gentler care of myself.

by the way, in the middle of a stressful stress-filled day, i got a call from the klonopin people to see if i wanted a discount on a refill. a part of me would, of course (cut to DUI warning), but i erased it. that won't help ANYTHING, particularly not me.

for all of it, I DO seem to feel stronger. I look forward to feeling better!