i took it last night. i haven't sorted out how i feel about that, and it amazes methat i'm sharing this here and will tell the therapist and group on tuesday. no alcohol. no klonopin.
back story. i called my local doctor, who knows nothing of my history but only prescribes ten a month, and asked for Ambien CR, so i could replace the four i took from my sister-in-law. AND HAVE SIX FOR ME. fyi, the CR version has fewer side effects for me than the regular Ambien. as usual when i take the regular, i am cranky and brain-free today.
i went to the drugstore to pick up the prescription and got worried that it wasn't CR, but i'm afraid to make an issue of it with the doctor, since i AM scamming. what would you guys do?
as i stepped to the counter, i got that old thrill -- ahhh, an illicit drug, come to me, sweetheart. i don't get that feeling when i pick up Lexapro!
When i got home, i was all happy, knowing i was guaranteed sleep, AND i wouldn't feel completely sedated in the morning. also, i knew i'd get a little of that dreamy, spacey thing before falling asleep. kind of druggie. when i took the Ambien, i went right to bed, unlike the old days when i'd stay awake to enjoy the effect. i also only took one (used to take two) and didn't wash it down with red wine.
what i didn't expect was that i'd wake up this morning having eaten a whole chicken sandwich that was in my refrigerator. that was the only thing i ate, but who knows if there had been more what i would have done.
i also left myself a note i can't decipher. i don't remember ANY of this. that's spooky. weird.
i used to love ambien, it felt like a god-send after years of not sleeping. i'd say that ambien was my lover -- my favorite thing to put in me in bed. when i stopped take it initially, i dreamt about it for days..
today, i feel icky. regular ambien does that. i'm going to try taking half tonight to see what happens. i wish i could sleep. i wish there was something that would help me sleep, not make me groggy and incoherent in the morning and had no other side effects. not likely.
i feel very guilty. like a dirty druggie, getting her fix. i don't like this. i am ashamed. although i do know i didn't do anything that many other people do. and legally. i didn't drink. i didn't take klonopin from the internet. but i don't want to get caught up in Ambien and sleep-eating and who knows what else. none of this is easy.