a little better

i am feeling a little better today. yippeee. yahoo. glory be. i was starting to wonder if every day would feel like walking through really thick mud.

eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.

i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.

so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!

Eating in Sobriety

is this going to feel better? am i ever going to stop eating? do i have to always anesthetize myself in some way?

when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.

now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.

sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:

1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!

it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!

slogging thru

candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".

there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.

i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.

am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.

i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.

for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.

'night.

SOBER: Day Two

decaf is the new Merlot. harrumph.

hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.

it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.

I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.

it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.

exhale. i have to remember to breathe.

tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.

wish me luck.

SOBER; Day One

i really want a drink, but if i can't go ONE day without drinking, i really need to be inpatient, and i don't want to go inpatient.

i hate this. i want a glass of wine, but i took a strong dose of antabuse and will get sick if i drink.

why am i doing this, this sober thing? because i am an addict and can not drink moderately. because i want to see who i am without alcohol. because i need to bring my life back into control and make honorable choices.

it wasn't so hard in the past. today is really hard. i'm going to keep writing, because i don't know what else to do.

now i'm going for a bike ride, because i need to get out of the house. more later.

thanks for listening.

Mental Health Question

As i'm looking for jobs, i'm having a hard time finding something that works around the IOP schedule. i know i need IOP, but i also really need money. i don't have any family to lean on, so food and shelter are completely my responsibility. still, I know i need IOP.

Surprisingly in this economy, i've some interviews and pretty quickly. i'm looking for fairly low-level, less stressful jobs, so i can focus on recovery. initially, i planned to try something part-time for a while, but then i worry about money and finances. as it is, the jobs i'm looking at are low-paying, but i could squeeze by.

for those of you who've done an intensive program, is there psychic space left to also work full-time?

i wonder if i can get well working full-time and just going to lots of AA meetings, but my gut tells me i need some serious intense work. i make such bad life decisions, over and over and over and over...

i'm still drinking, which is really bad. i need to feel the integrity of sobriety. i'm leaning on liquor to block out all the many, many issues and i'm eating pretty compulsively. on my own, i just don't take care of myself.

I'M SCARED. yes, i need a lot of help. but how do i swing it?

is she binging?

Are you binging, lady in front of me on line at the Dunkin' Donuts?

As she steps up to order, something looks familiar to me. is it the way she orders so slowly and specifically -- the grilled sandwich, extra cheese and mayo, no make that two. well, three. but no ham on that third one, because, of course, it's for a DIFFERENT person (when i lived in nyc, i'd often order in my binge foods, often from several different places at once. . i'd pretend to ask MULTIPLE other people what they wanted, so the huge order would appear to serve many. i'd cringe when i saw they'd sent four forks or several fortune cookies or lots and lots of cole slaw.) or the way she sways from foot to foot, staring at the donuts, head moving - left to right to left?

i study her body -- she's tall and broad, thin on top and wide through the bottom. how does she feel about her weight as she asks for one crueller. and then a chocolate glazed, and then stops. "anything else", asks the cashier, as he starts to ring her order. "no wait," she says "add a plain bagel and, and butter on the bagel and, and an old fashioned".

"is that all", the clearly impatient cashier asks, as the line builds behind us.

she stares and waits and looks back and forth, left to right to left to right to left. her hands shake. "yes", i guess that's all", she sighs.

a second cashier heads to the front to help with the growing line. as i head to that register, i see the woman has left her keys behind, reminding me of the distraction of the call to gorge. i often left something at my corner store on the way to a binge -- my wallet, my keys -- so focused was i on getting to my carbs, sweets, salties, butter...

her keys in my hands, i go after her. "Miss, miss == your keys", i call several times. she doesn't hear -- she's staring into her bags - until i get to her car and hand them to her.

"do you want to talk?", i almost say. but don't. i walk away. perhaps she WAS just buying food for her family or snacks for friends.

still, i wonder.

blugh

Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr

that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.

i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.

boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.

the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.

i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.

i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?

a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.

BLURGH, BLUGH, ICK, EEK, AARGH, OUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

for now

i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)

i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)

i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.

it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?

but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.

instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.

in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.

so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.

it started with my body

Before there were drugs, before there was alcohol, and spending a fortune, before there were men..........there was my body, my eating, my weight.

i sit here, starting over. i don't have a job, i'm not speaking to my brother, i'm living with my boyfriend after having moved out.

i have no idea what i'm going to do next. and i'm gaining weight. i'm eating mildly compulsively after months of eating light.

everything in my life is in upheaval. this is serious. oh, and i'm gaining weight. what does that have to do with anything?

my eating disorder took my early years. i didn't care about ANYTHING but my weight. i didn't particularly develop skills or interests. ALL i did, and i mean all i did, was diet.

no self-esteem, no work ethic, no computer skills, no mature practicality.

i'm starting from a very early stage now. it is time to grow up. i'm going back to basics. where it all started.

i will eat. and i will learn to deal with computers. and i will get a job. and i will do something good with my life.

did i say that?

Here I Am

i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?

it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.

my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.

i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.

so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.

i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.

this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.

so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.