Tess Holliday, Plus-size model

Tess Holliday is a hugely successful plus-size model. (I hate that designation, "plus-size". Regular models weigh about 30 pounds or so less than the average woman. Should we call them "minus-size"? Why do we have to label size at all?)

Every time I read about her, I am reminded that she stand 5'5 and weighs 280 pounds. i don't know the height and weight of any other models, but i certainly know hers.

Tess graced the cover of People magazine recently. I sensed there would be backlash -- readers complaining that she served as a terrible role model for young girls, and indeed, there was.

I find these complaints silly - i doubt anyone is going to try to gain weight to attain Tess's size, but if a young woman is heavier than the norm and feeling miserable about it, she can see that she doesn't have to; a woman can be beautiful and considered beautiful at any weight.

These days, I'm a pretty average size, but i used to weigh 80 pounds more and believed  i was the ugliest woman on the planet. I felt so ugly, i sometimes thought life wasn't worth it. At 200 pounds, I thought I couldn't be happy, could NEVER find a man who would want to date me, couldn't achieve anything.

Perhaps if I had seen women like Tess, with rich lives, wonderful relationships and booming careers, I would have felt better about myself. And what would have been best of all for me, Tess seems to be so successful BECAUSE, not even in spite, of her weight.

Tess carries a message of hope. Bravo

Dreaming of Food

I thought I had it licked – I eat what I eat and I’m okay. 

Eating what I eat means eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full.  In general, as I don’t really exercise, that’s not a lot of food, and I’ve come to terms with that. After a lifetime of compulsive eating, bulimia and anorexia, it’s a peaceful way to live.

Last night, there were food issues in my dream.  I was visiting my sister and I was scared of food. Her family lives to eat and exercise; they are professional athlete fit AND they eat generous quantities all throughout the day. The whole family loves to cook and bake.

All day my sister plans meals – she makes fresh pastries for breakfast, looks forward to a hardy lunch and prepares big delicious dinners.

Back to my dream - we were sitting over lunch as my sister picked which fabulous restaurant to go to for dinner.

I kept worrying about my weight, what with all the eating, and began planning to starve all day so I could at least eat something at night.

The rest of the dream involved food restriction. That was it – there were no family activities or fun or spending time with my dear niece and nephew or playing with the adorable dog. It was all about maintaining my weight.

What a nightmare!  And something for me to look at.  Am I, perhaps, restricting during the day? Or, are there other things going on in my life that I’m trying to avoid by focusing on food and weight? Hmmm

Distracted - or Where is my Brain?

My mind must be elsewhere, as it's surely not here. I forget everything and notice nothing.

At work, I left the water running in the bathroom, and it flooded. I've forgotten to send spreadsheets to my boss, although I've sent the same ones daily for years. I've also sent the wrong spreadsheets and not even noticed.

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes - I'm making them at work. Some I can't even understand how I did them. You'd have to try really hard to make these!

This morning, my cat had an appointment at the vet. I packed her in the car, grabbed my keys and was off.  It was only when I went to pay for the visit that I noticed I'd left my purse at home.

I've always been a dreamer, distracted and flakey, but this is new. Is it age? The fight  with my boyfriend? My displeasure at work?

Who knows? But if you happen to find my brain, please let me know!

The DEATH Penalty

I don't understand capital punishment. If killing is illegal, then killing is illegal, right? As a kid, I couldn't even understand how war could be legal. (In many ways, i still don't.)

Last night, it took a prisoner in Oklahoma 43 painful minutes to die. I don't understand this either. i have, sadly, had friends who over-dosed painlessly and died quickly. Maybe the state should try heroin...? or ambien?

By the way, European countries won't sell us the drugs we used to use for lethal injection, because we use them for the death penalty. Other countries see our barbarism and cut us off. What an embarrassment.

Still, who really cares how the person dies, it's the fact that we're killing someone. Two wrongs don't make a right. When did an eye for an eye come back in fashion?

And of course, we hear about juries making mistakes. (We know they do, right - OJ was innocent.) We're human. We're flawed.

But even if we were right 100% of the time, the death penalty is still wrong. And expensive. It costs us more for a person to go through the entire appeals process and to live on death row, than it costs us to support a life imprisonment.

All my life, i was an atheist, and i would still proclaim that only God can take a life. I know it even more now.

DEPRESSION

Depression rocks through me. It's taking my strength.  I sludge through the day like a shoe parting mud. 

Thick mud.

Some days have been better; I'm useful, productive. The world's kinder, clearer, fun and forgiving.

But today i'm just 50, single and tired.  

Later today, there's a plan to be useful.  Doing for others get me out of myself. 

I know what to do to move through depression. Today, I'm indulging - I'm just kind of tired.

Something will happen, as it always does. And I will feel better. Until then - depression. A heart feels so heavy. Like a shoe stuck in mud.

Am i willing to get well?

We hear a lot about wanting to recover and wanting is great, but i really believe that 'willing" is key.

Recovery isn't easy -- am i willing to do whatever it takes (to go to any lengths, as the 12 Steps say) to get well?

For much of my life, that answer was no. for years, I was absolutely NOT willing to eat anything that would make me gain weight. i was never willing to tell anyone else what i ate and certainly wasn't going to listen to anyone else's advice. Sorry every nutritionist who ever met me!

i wasn't willing to stop binging and purging, no matter that my ulcer begged me, my doctors begged me, my dentist begged me.

i wasn't willing to give up the scale or eat breakfast or give up diet soda.

so, how exactly was i supposed to recover? and what was stopping me?

My eating disorders -- compulsive eating, anorexia, bulimia -- anesthesized all my pain, anger, fear, hurt and sadness. How could i give up the only things that soothed and comforted me? starving was a balm, food was my best friend, lover and constant companion. throwing up felt like tossing out all my inner ugliness.

but considering the state of my health, mental and physical,  how could i not consider giving them up and
facing the underlying issues -- my fear, my anger, my sorrow, my hurt, my disappointments?

i'm walking that path now and what a relief,  i can face and be rid of the fears, the resentments and the pain. at the same time, i find i can eat, can live without a scale, can drink water instead of diet Coke. can live life without the constant obsession

but i have to be willing.

No More Food Obsession?!

Pancakes were always my go to binge food, and they were my very favorite food.  Because I thought they were a trigger and wouldn’t be able to eat them normally and moderately, I haven’t had a pancake in many years.

Yesterday, my boss ordered pancakes for lunch and asked if I wanted a bite. “Hmmm”, I thought. It would be interesting to test my theory that one bite would likely lead to endless rounds with Aunt Jemima.

I took a bite. It was pleasant, but – it was just a pancake. What a revelation.

I’ve had a lot of revelations about food lately, with the most important being that it’s not that interesting!!!!  My whole damn life I thought food was the end all be all. I believed that if I wouldn’t gain weight, I would spend all my time eating and all of it would be rich and fattening foods. For most of my life , I thought about food ALL the time. One time, I realized I hadn’t once thought about eating for 5 whole minutes, and it brought me to tears.

Lately, I’ve noticed that my food obsession is, well, not there. It’s has though it’s been removed from me.  It floors me. I don’t think about food and when I’m eating, a small portion suffices perfectly. When I’m done, I don’t think about food again until I’m actually hungry.  And “fattening” food holds no particular interest.

(did I just write that paragraph?)

For the longest time, I ate well but still found myself envying people who ate more quantities and less healthy food. I stayed away from foods that were too appealing – foods I would always want more and more of. One slice of pizza seemed never enough.

But now………it’s different. Sometimes the pizza looks good; sometimes it doesn’t. And when it looks good, I’ll take a couple of bites and……….well, I’m good.

I can not believe this freedom.