Behind Overeating

i have never much equated overweight and health issues, because i thought that was unfair and judgmental. sure, some ailments seem aggravated by excess weight, but i certainly know thin people with heart trouble, diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholestrol, etc.

but this week, james gandolfini and my very overweight brother had heart attacks. my brother is just fine and healing nicely but with the strictest of orders to change his diet immediately.

and now that i'm working at a restaurant with an all-u-can eat salad bar, i see numerous folks laboring under the burden of layers of fat.

and so, i am even more fascinated than ever (if that's possible) by people's food habits, particularly the desire to eat and eat and eat.

it's in me -- i'm, by nature, a compulsive eater. i understand the desire to drown myself (my emotions) in food.  for me, it's a huge sadness that wants to be comforted, and i find i get a little sad watching very large folks load their plates.

i'm hostessing at a family restaurant with decent food, fairly reasonable prices and that, aforementioned, all-u-can eat salad bar. lots of our patrons are older and many are overweight.
most folks who come in want to sit right near the salad bar and complain with notable bitterness when there isn't something available in its exact vicinity. this seems understandable when the customer is using a walker, in a wheelchair, in a cast, etc. but so  many an able-bodied individual gets visibly angry when seated in a farther corner. yet, it's a pretty small restaurant.

the salad bar is lavish and one serving  often seems more than a meal. but folks go back three and four times and then eat a main course and often, dessert.

what is the insatiable appetite for so much food and with no work (a tiny walk to the salad bar) involved.

is it an emptiness -- a feeling that there won't be enough food to fill me, that i won't be able to tolerate even a few short steps to get to the food i need.
does anyone have any other ideas?

Sad

 Loneliness. Aloneness. Just happen

i don't really understand. i've been reaching out and going out. 

i don't really understand. 

has anyone else gone thru a time like this?   

Taking Responsibility

i let life happen to me. when would the right job find me? why wasn't the rich boyfriend en route? why couldn't i spend all the money i wanted, eat all the food i craved, drink my weight in wine and all without consequence?

finally, at a real financial crossroads, i'm ready to step up and do what i need to do to own this life.

in my last post, i mused about whether or not to waitress. fact is, right now, i can't afford not to!!! kind of a hard reckoning, but a real one.

i'm scheduling training next week and i'm very, very nervous, but i'm doing the right thing and, perhaps, the only thing right now - to keep me afloat.

it feels -- grown up! cool

Waitressing at 50

okay, 49.

i've posted that i started hostessing at a local restaurant in November. it's easy, breezy and i make a little extra money. but it's a very little extra.

lots of people are telling me i should ask to wait tables because for about the same hours, i'd make a lot more money.

i'd keep the day job, of course, but with all my car and dental bills, extra money would HELP.

still, i'm terrified. i was a TERRIBLE waitress in college (about 30 years ago, to be exact.) bad with the computer, terrified under pressure, clumsy, etc.

 i enjoy hostessing after the stress of the day job. i'm pretty good at it and feel relaxed and pleased at the end of the shift. it's almost my refuge. do i give that up?

on the other hand, how much of a choice do i have? money isn't actually a luxury, is it? 

why not give it a try, right? still, scarey!

Age -Related

 i have to start here. Since i was 10 years old, i have gotten my period EVERY 29 days. Now, one month from my 49th birthday, i've had a few funky months. This month, it's a week late. i haven't been a day late in 29 years.  In previous years, I would have counted back and worried and run out for an EPT. This month, i sort of thought of timing, realized it was pretty impossibly, but also realized that :timing" probably wasn't the point anymore.

I've LOATHED, DESPISED AND SIMPLY HATED my period since i was 10 and couldn't unfurl from the fetal position for three days. i've had scopes and procedures and probes and pills, but mostly, i've had crippling cramps.

Since my 10th year, i've joked loudly and confidently that my days were spent waiting for menopause BUT now that i head surprisingly close to 50, i'm not so sure i'm ready.

Understand Men?

and so i ask you, what should i do. what's going on? where did that come from - the fishnet tights? but i'm not that interested as i know what's there there.

the other one wants the same thing as the young one. and just that.

why do young men and married men want me?

Anti-Aging

I am looking older - that's all there is to it. i look at pictures from three years ago, when i was 46, and there's a real difference.

Lord knows i took terrible care of myself throughout my life -- drugs, alcohol, anorexia, bulimia -- it makes sense that there's wear and tear.

i always looked young for my age (something i chalked up to lack of responsibility and maturity!) but not anymore. No one looks surprised when i state that i'm nearly 50 -- they just nod and smile.

for no apparent reason, i'm comfortable. it's almost a relief. i SLAVED my whole life to be thinner, prettier, blonder, bronzer, blah, blah, blah...........such time and effort and and money and insecurity.

maybe i'm just tired.

and truth be told, i didn't find my dream career or a good man or inner peace, actually, while i've been thin, blonde, bronzed and young-looking

i'm looking for a change - to grow old gracefully and with different purpose. i'd like to be more useful and kind and compassionate, focused more on others and less on myself (and my appearance!)

waiting in the doctor's office yesterday, i read the new Allure magazine with a whole big section devoted to anti-aging. "anti-aging" sounds odd -- as though it's actually a possibility!

it also sounded utterly exhausting -- time consuming and expensive. And a lot of fight for something that's inevitable. we're getting older and no matter how much botox we stick in our faces or even how much hair color and moisturizer and concealer we use -- we're going to look older.

What's wrong with looking older, looking our ages? i'm not saying we shouldn't take care of ourselves -- i'm just wondering why we can't look great AND old.

perhaps i won't be as comfortable as the lines deepen around my mouth and my jowls droop, as my mother's did -- as the gray comes in quicker and the weight creeps on...all that happened with my mom who looked exactly like me.

but for now, i'm okay