THE BLOG HAS MOVED

The blog has moved to Wordpress. You can find me at ihatetoweight.com

I will be talking more about recovery, my own included.

Come visit. Hope to see you there

The Weakening of Women

When I walk into my Sunday morning OA meeting, I usually see about 40 women and 0-3 men. When I used to go to eating disorder groups, there were never ANY men.  More than twice as many women as men suffer from anorexia, bulimia or other disordered eating.

What this means is that most women (about 75%) are starving or bingeing and purging or living a life obsessed with calories. So much time is wasted and lost in trying to be thin. When I am weak with hunger, sick from eating and puking or just caught up constantly with the facts of my weight, I'm not contributing to my life, to others or to the world and it's people.

Throughout history, women have been valued for their beauty, while men have been valued for power. Beautiful women attracted strong men and together they had children, nurtured by the lovely women and supported by the strong man.

Times have certainly changed. Many women work, hold powerful positions and/or solely support their families. One would think that less value be placed on their beauty and more would be made of their strength.

In some ways, tho, the opposite has happened. Strong women put more emphasis on their looks than ever before, with botox and lasers and fillers, in order to  look beautiful and young. And thin - look at Kellyann Conway (would she have gotten the job is she looked like Chris Christie?) Nancy Pelosi,, Andrea Mitchell, and Anna Wintour.  Kate Middleton, the Dutchess of Windsor, Amal Clooney.

Our women get thinner and thinner, actually. Even Rachel Maddow (!) is skinnier than when she started out!!!

It sometimes seems like women are allowed to be strong (successful) as long as they are weak (skinny and hungry.) In this way, we aren't as threatening, I suppose.

I know for myself, when I was starving, i had the energy for NOTHING. For myself, I refuse to be nothing. 

Colon Cleanse

I am having a colonoscopy tomorrow. Oh, what that used to do to me. Colonoscopy prep involves a day of fasting and a night of consuming mass quantities of laxatives – equal opportunities for all eating disorders! The anorexic can fast, the bulimic can shit her brains out and the next day, the compulsive eater can binge, because she earned it!

And the promise of weight loss from laxative induced diarrhea. Oh boy, I seriously looked forward to the prep!!!! Gross.

Today’s it’s just an inconvenience. I have a lot of things I’d rather be doing tonight than sitting home pooping. And I’m off from work tomorrow, which means Monday will be a bear of a work day.

Different world.  

Help

When I started this blog some years ago, it was to write what I had been desperate to read many, many years ago - that someone else suffered as I did, ached like I did, was as lost as I was.

I didn't know anyone like me- not in grammar school when I stuffed and stuffed food in  to dull the pain of a miserable home; not in junior high school when I was tormented by my peers and tormented at home, gaining 25 pounds with each grade. Not in high school, when I stopped eating because I was too tired of being over 200 pounds, Not in college when I gained back 80 pounds in 6 months of NON STOP eating. And not in my 30s when I starved and binged and purged out of every orifice I could.

Being well and at peace,  I wanted to give solace and hope to anyone who suffered in anyway as I did.

When I started writing again recently, I asked myself - what's my point of view. And that's what it is - how can I help?

Pain

"I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with the pain."  James Baldwin

And boy did I hate. Of course, I loathed myself for bingeing and purging. When I was starving through anorexia, hunger made me furious, and I hated the world . I hated my mother for everything and blamed her for all my problems. I resented my beautiful blissfully married sister and my happy, successful friends. I seethed about bosses and men, as a category, and hated the doctors and therapists, who didn't know what to do with me.

Few escaped my wrath. I lashed out, bitter and self-pitying, always the victim. My fury agitated me to a place of unbearable discomfort, and so I reached for food and more food and more food until I couldn't breathe or think or feel - blotting out the world and it's people.

Hate masked the pain. Food masked the pain. But it was still there.

Until I dealt with it, I was doomed to repeat. Blessedly, I can face it. I can be free. I don't have to hate. And I never have to repeat again.

Food is Food

Such a wonderful three-day weekend. I feel like I've "been on holiday".  I saw friends and family, rested, read, and SLEPT!! ahh........

Early-ish in recovery, it got easier for me to have zero food issues on weekends like these. I'd be happy and present and peaceful and....easy, with everything.

The next step was being easy all the time, even when stressed, sad, angry, exhausted.  I used to think  I needed food to relieve my difficulties, when in facts, no amount food heals stressed, sad, angry and tired.  Chocolate chip cream does not heal pain.  In fact, after I've sucked down a ton of it, the pain is worse! It's like giving a beautiful new car to someone who is dying of thirst. A new car may be nice, but it doesn't hydrate, not even a little.

I need to learn to face and deal with fear, sadness, loneliness, tired...Then, I can get through it and come out the other side.  If I don't face it, it's still there, and I will eat over it, once again.

Food is food.

Food in it's Place; Not the Love/Hate

Last night, I had dinner with family and friends. It was a lovely meal,  however, after dinner many complained that they had eaten way too much and were way too full. Others chimed in that they "hadn't stopped eating" since Thanksgiving and felt gross. With January 1, they were turning over healthy new leaves.

This is never my experience anymore. I never over-eat, because it's not worth it. Having spent most of my life thinking obsessively and exclusively about food, I  treasure the joy of being free of it.  Once, I lived with constant guilt shame and remorse because of the amounts I consumed.  I don't have that now, because I don't care to eat more than my body wants and needs.

In this way, I know peace. And food has no influence over me. It's just food - nourishment and fuel that, hopefully, tastes good.

I don't get excited about food - it holds no special pull. Yes, I enjoy a tasty meal, but I focus more on the company, the surroundings and any other joy I can take from the evening.

Many people love food and make it a big part of their lives, and good for them.  But that's not a luxury I can afford. The less I focus on eating, the better it is for me.

Other people have other ways of making right their relationship with food. This is what works for me.