I've really been off. i lose my keys, i've lost three pairs of sunglasses, i lost my cellphone. i'm driving badly - not focusing on the road. i'm not paying attention.
i've always been A LITTLE spacey, dreamy and distracted, but this is off the charts.
it scares me. where is my brain? is it busy wondering about the persistent stomach pain and headache?
i'm eating well. that's okay. pretty good, actually.
in posts past, i'd insist (practically scream) "I AM MY EATING DISORDER".
I'm not my eating disorder. my ED has ruled my life, it's decided my choices, it's encumbered most everything i do, but I AM NOT MY EATING DISORDER.
last night, we had friends over, and i had a great time. we talked and laughed and relaxed. the food was delicious, and i ate a nice amount. after dinner, even though i was full, i enjoyed a small slice of magnificently tasty carrot cheesecake. i wouldn't say it was intuitive eating, because i was already full, but in that moment i enjoyed my cake. and there was no freak-out after. so peaceful
all said, i see where i can be more confident, although i don't necessarily act on it. my friend Eve is on an amazing path -- she gets stronger and more directed. i watch her deal with her boyfriend in a centered, confident new way. here's something for me to gain and feel for myself. my communication skills lack something. and my self-confidence likes to cower.
if i can keep my shoulders back and honor myself (honor ME, who is not my eating disorder), things will get better.
ah, there's more work to do. it's all for good. it's all for good.
i wish i knew quite where to begin. i will figure it out.