i had the best, best time visiting my family in pittsburgh. my sweetie and i relaxed, de-stressed and just had fun. soooo much fun. i laughed until i could barely breathe. what's better than pure, happy laughter?
and i ate. i hate heartily and with abandon. i ate a lot and didn't care. everything was too much fun to care about food and weight.
yes, i gained a couple of pounds (weighed myself when i got home. darn). that part's hard for me. i know, i know that my body wants to be free -- free to pick up the pounds it craves. but damn, that's not what i want right now. doesn't make things easy, does it?
has anyone read Hunger by Crystal Renn? i wasn't blown over by the book itself, but i love the concept of eating and being healthy AND reveling in a happy size 12.
i wish i could bottle the joy i had in pittsburgh. i was happy and engaged all the time. often, i check out and go far, far away from the given moment. in pitt, there were so many people to talk to, culture, coffee shops, bookstores, outdoor jazz, museums. at home, i'm way out in a nowhere of strip malls and fast food. sherlock holmes couldn't uncover a decent cup of coffee here.
pittsburgh has my family. my fantastic, amazing nephew, my great brother-in-law and my sister. she and i have always had a complicated relationship, but this time we really talked and connected and of course, laughed.
then there's my fourteen-year-old niece, Karen. we have such a bond and always have. her body image issues are starting. it kills me. she's the loveliest, most sensitive person. and she doesn't have kate moss's thighs. why, why, why, why, why is this considered important?
my niece asked me if i'd had bulimia or anorexia. no one had ever told her anything about my issues. she also asked me if i'd had problems with alcohol. then, gulp, she asked me if i'd done hard drugs.
i answered her questions as well as i could, focusing on how well i am AND trying with all my strength to help build her self-esteem.
we talked forever, and she opened up about what's going on with her and her friends. she's an amazing person. why, why, why, why, why does it matter that she doesn't have Gisele's hips?
as i lay in bed the night after our talk, i realized that no one in my family had ever asked me any of the questions Karen asked my issues/addictions-- not my mother, my father, my brother, my sister. friends. no one.
recently, i've shared my issues with my dear cousin, but prior to our discussions, no one seemed to care. or notice.
i guess the key for me is always communication. if someone talks to me and we can each be open, somehow, i allow myself to connect and don't give any special powers to food or weight.
i've know this before, but it was perfectly clear in pittsburg. where i had the best time.