Kinder and Gentler

oh i pray to be kinder, non-judgemental, compassionate, humble, friendly and to have a thicker skin when others are none of these things.

it can be work. i look forward to the day it comes more naturally.

sure, i'm friendly to people who are friendly to me. i'm kind and compassionate when a loved one falls ill. i don't usually judge people -- we're all human, we all suffer, we all make mistakes. i have made many, many of my own.

but when it's not so easy, i'm a work in progress. i strive to be friendlier to folks who aren't the nicest. right now, i'm doing customer service at work. it's best to be upbeat and cheery from the get-go and sometimes i'm just not feeling it. i'm studying television anchors and game show hosts who come out beaming. maybe this part is just acting

when customers or my bosses are mean and condescending, i work to keep that upbeat, friendly, helpful and caring part of me around. EVERYONE'S happier if i'm nothing but nice.

if i'm nice, i find i don't get as angry inside. i'm building a boundary, so my own feelings and insecurities aren't triggered by everyone else's anger and derision. when things can role off my back, i am a MUCH happier person. i'm working, working, working on this-- lots more boundary building is needed.

kindness is new for me. i used to be miserable and insecure and angry and sad. to protect myself, i pushed others away by deciding i didn't like them. to make myself feel better about me, i'd note their perceived flaws and faults.

i also love gossip, but i think part of this is that people fascinate me. i always want to know how and what people think and what they're doing. when i need to watch is when i find what i'm doing is "talking behind someone's back."

this post seems disjointed. i'm just sort of writing whatever first comes to my head.

i haven't written much lately. life has been busy -- friends and family visiting from out of town, birthday celebrations, hectic work, et. al.

i find i've just been living. i'm not drinking or taking ambien or even drinking much coffee. instead, i'm more wrapped up in actual life, which is the goal, right? still, it's not easy and natural yet. i'm not used to living in the moment.

with food, i seem okay. i'm kind of anxious lately, which makes my stomach churn, which makes me think i'm always hungry. but i'm listening, listening -- what do i really need and want? when it's food, i give it food. still, nothing's perfect here.

like i said, a work in progress