oh, am i antsy today. thus -- i'm pick, pick, picking around food. i've been mainlining gum and hard candies. chomping and sucking really hard can take the edge off.
i'm home from work, earlier than usual -- i was supposed to go to a lecture with a friend. she canceled; i didn't feel like going alone, so here i am, not too far from a bag of pretzels.
the sad part is -- i'm not hungry and probably won't be again tonight, what with all the munch,munch, munching i did at work. if i do eat tonight, because i like to eat at night, it will be from mouth hunger not real hunger.
i've been working on eating when i'm hungry and stopping when full. i guess that's Intuitive Eating? mostly, i'm working on "full". i recognize "hungry", but i can rarely figure out when to stop eating -- what else could be expected of a lifelong anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater?
with "full", i've been eating a smaller plate of food. usually, i bulk way up on salads and steamed vegetables (i looove them) and usually have a second helping. i have some protein and starch and then dessert. and i usually end up pretty full.
so, i've been having one helping of salad and veggies, a healthful portion of protein and starch and then seeing if i really still want dessert. mostly, i don't want the cake and ice cream my mouth wants. but i will have a little chocolate...
you know, i just realized how much i'm writing about food, and i'm getting bored. eating to full is not what's bothering me. i'm worried about other things -- money, work, life, and i'm at stalemate. i'm not finding answers. i pray, i dream, i talk, i write -- but guidance is not revealed.
my mind and body are disquiet. like i said, i'm antsy.
see how blogging helps? i got some answers -- it's not about the food, is it? it's about not feeling whole, peaceful, content, fulfilled. ahhh, a lot to think about, but it's good.
i feel better. about food