binge

i binged. and i'm okay.

i binged yesterday during my next door neighbors big summer party. my last binge was in november. before that, it had been years. not sure why i binged. these are some thoughts;

1. i always watch what i eat. i eat lots of salads and vegetables with some lean meats and small amounts of carbs and fats and little desserts. it's healthy and keeps me at a good weight, and it keeps me comfortable. the party had TONS of amazing food that kept coming and coming for hours. i kept sampling everything and just decided to keep going as i haven't in a long time. EVERYTHING was delicious. and they had three kinds of brownies. everyone else was eating a lot.

2. we went over at 4 pm. as always, a very uncomfortable time for me to be faced with a large meal. at first, i took a "manageable" amount of food, but then i felt i'd eaten too much, too early and it was too overwhelming. i talked to myself and talked to myself and talked to myself,as i always do -- about alcohol and prescription drugs and food and the scale and.... i must have gotten tired of keeping myself on a healthy track. it's really not easy for me; i'm not a moderate gal. maybe, i just gave in.

3. i wanted to be able to drink alcohol, like everyone else there. it looked delicious and relaxing. instead of drinking, maybe i ate and ate. i've been in the mood for a drink lately but always remind myself -- i'm not a good drinker. it will be three months without a drink on wednesday. i want that marker and beyond. in AA, they say that 90 days is a time to watch for -- brain chemistry somehow makes us want to drink again.

4. could i have just been hungry? i really watch what i eat and have been practicing eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full. maybe i'm stopping too soon? maybe i always feel deprived?

5. stress was in the air this week. i spent a lot of time with a dear friend who's life is in turmoil and who's having panic attacks. my boyfriend had a really stressful week and got really stressed out. and i had my own stuff.

whatever the reason, i binged. i talked about it with my boyfriend, who was great. he pointed it out that it was one day, at a party and today's a new day.

i woke up, out of practice with coping with the day after a binge.

we went to church. i thought that would be good. i'm jewish and not religious, but i enjoy praying and meditating beside my boyfriend.

today's priest has a lovely, warm way about him. he speaks often of love, compassion, forgiveness, spirituality. this morning,it seemed that he was speaking to me, saying what i needed to hear. when he said "live in love", i felt the warmth of the idea. when he spoke of compassion, forgivenss, mercy, it clicked.

i will pray for love, compassion, forgiveness and mercy. it's hard for self-hatred about binging to creep in with all that.

after church, my boyfriend likes to get something to eat. respecting my post-binge ultra-fullness (i stuffed myself until 1 am), he asked if he could make me tea?

later, i went to my apartment and did my laundry and read and meditated on forgiving myself.

then i got a manicure. now, i'm blogging.

i'd like to figure out why i binged to prevent another one. they sure take a toll, physically and mentally. don't they?

but i'm okay. kind of in a good place (except for my stomach which squeals a lot.) a good place is nice.