Blogging in Time

oh, am i antsy today. thus -- i'm pick, pick, picking around food. i've been mainlining gum and hard candies. chomping and sucking really hard can take the edge off.

i'm home from work, earlier than usual -- i was supposed to go to a lecture with a friend. she canceled; i didn't feel like going alone, so here i am, not too far from a bag of pretzels.

the sad part is -- i'm not hungry and probably won't be again tonight, what with all the munch,munch, munching i did at work. if i do eat tonight, because i like to eat at night, it will be from mouth hunger not real hunger.

i've been working on eating when i'm hungry and stopping when full. i guess that's Intuitive Eating? mostly, i'm working on "full". i recognize "hungry", but i can rarely figure out when to stop eating -- what else could be expected of a lifelong anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater?

with "full", i've been eating a smaller plate of food. usually, i bulk way up on salads and steamed vegetables (i looove them) and usually have a second helping. i have some protein and starch and then dessert. and i usually end up pretty full.

so, i've been having one helping of salad and veggies, a healthful portion of protein and starch and then seeing if i really still want dessert. mostly, i don't want the cake and ice cream my mouth wants. but i will have a little chocolate...

you know, i just realized how much i'm writing about food, and i'm getting bored. eating to full is not what's bothering me. i'm worried about other things -- money, work, life, and i'm at stalemate. i'm not finding answers. i pray, i dream, i talk, i write -- but guidance is not revealed.

my mind and body are disquiet. like i said, i'm antsy.

see how blogging helps? i got some answers -- it's not about the food, is it? it's about not feeling whole, peaceful, content, fulfilled. ahhh, a lot to think about, but it's good.

i feel better. about food

Kinder and Gentler

oh i pray to be kinder, non-judgemental, compassionate, humble, friendly and to have a thicker skin when others are none of these things.

it can be work. i look forward to the day it comes more naturally.

sure, i'm friendly to people who are friendly to me. i'm kind and compassionate when a loved one falls ill. i don't usually judge people -- we're all human, we all suffer, we all make mistakes. i have made many, many of my own.

but when it's not so easy, i'm a work in progress. i strive to be friendlier to folks who aren't the nicest. right now, i'm doing customer service at work. it's best to be upbeat and cheery from the get-go and sometimes i'm just not feeling it. i'm studying television anchors and game show hosts who come out beaming. maybe this part is just acting

when customers or my bosses are mean and condescending, i work to keep that upbeat, friendly, helpful and caring part of me around. EVERYONE'S happier if i'm nothing but nice.

if i'm nice, i find i don't get as angry inside. i'm building a boundary, so my own feelings and insecurities aren't triggered by everyone else's anger and derision. when things can role off my back, i am a MUCH happier person. i'm working, working, working on this-- lots more boundary building is needed.

kindness is new for me. i used to be miserable and insecure and angry and sad. to protect myself, i pushed others away by deciding i didn't like them. to make myself feel better about me, i'd note their perceived flaws and faults.

i also love gossip, but i think part of this is that people fascinate me. i always want to know how and what people think and what they're doing. when i need to watch is when i find what i'm doing is "talking behind someone's back."

this post seems disjointed. i'm just sort of writing whatever first comes to my head.

i haven't written much lately. life has been busy -- friends and family visiting from out of town, birthday celebrations, hectic work, et. al.

i find i've just been living. i'm not drinking or taking ambien or even drinking much coffee. instead, i'm more wrapped up in actual life, which is the goal, right? still, it's not easy and natural yet. i'm not used to living in the moment.

with food, i seem okay. i'm kind of anxious lately, which makes my stomach churn, which makes me think i'm always hungry. but i'm listening, listening -- what do i really need and want? when it's food, i give it food. still, nothing's perfect here.

like i said, a work in progress

Meds

In her blog Between Living and Existing (http://betweenlivingandexisting.blogspot.com/), Tiptoe writes about Medications -- not always wanting to take them and not always having the patience to keep taking them until they, potentially, work.

I have tons of my own frustrations with meds. My current issue -- not even the fanciest doctors seem to know what the meds do, why they work and what dosage is best. it's often just trial and error.

i take Lexapro, Trazedone, Neurontin and Antabuse.

Take, for example, Neurontin. i believe it's an anti-seizure medicine that seems to have the side effect of helping anxiety. No one knows why or how or how much to take. it's not addictive or harmful (i think) but you don't even know if it really works. it's not like klonopin which effects you quickly and clearly. instead, neurontin builds up in your system. with my doctors approval, i take a nice amount of it. i can't really tell if it helps, but i take it just in case it does. i know i'm less anxious but is it the neurontin?

Trazedone.. This was created as an anti-depressant, but i don't think it worked (that's what most people have told me, but one therapist told me did.) although it didn't make people happier, it did seem to have the side effect of making some people sleepy. when i ask my fancy upper east side manhattan psychiatrist why people get sleepy, she doesn't know, but if it helps and it doesn't hurt, why not? trazedone does make me sleepy but it also makes me nauseous. i don't know how people could take it during the day for depression!!!!

lexapro. please, who knows what, how, what dosage, although it does help my mood, and i'm glad i take it. when i first started taking it, i was crazy sick for nearly a week. i had a drug relapse because i was so miserable. i stayed with it, though -- i was only going to do this ONCE, and began to finally began to feel infinetely better. apparently, if i ever go off lexapro, it will be nasty. who really wants to take drugs that change your brain and make you really sick while entering and leaving the body? i guess is best for me for now.

antabuse. with this, i don't care why it works -- i'm taking, it works -- i'm sober and scared to drink. end of story.

those are my thoughts. i'm really jealous of the people in the future who will have better science. well, i guess i hope they all find great mental health, accompanied by truly peaceful and uninterrupted sleep. i'd like that for all of us too

binge

i binged. and i'm okay.

i binged yesterday during my next door neighbors big summer party. my last binge was in november. before that, it had been years. not sure why i binged. these are some thoughts;

1. i always watch what i eat. i eat lots of salads and vegetables with some lean meats and small amounts of carbs and fats and little desserts. it's healthy and keeps me at a good weight, and it keeps me comfortable. the party had TONS of amazing food that kept coming and coming for hours. i kept sampling everything and just decided to keep going as i haven't in a long time. EVERYTHING was delicious. and they had three kinds of brownies. everyone else was eating a lot.

2. we went over at 4 pm. as always, a very uncomfortable time for me to be faced with a large meal. at first, i took a "manageable" amount of food, but then i felt i'd eaten too much, too early and it was too overwhelming. i talked to myself and talked to myself and talked to myself,as i always do -- about alcohol and prescription drugs and food and the scale and.... i must have gotten tired of keeping myself on a healthy track. it's really not easy for me; i'm not a moderate gal. maybe, i just gave in.

3. i wanted to be able to drink alcohol, like everyone else there. it looked delicious and relaxing. instead of drinking, maybe i ate and ate. i've been in the mood for a drink lately but always remind myself -- i'm not a good drinker. it will be three months without a drink on wednesday. i want that marker and beyond. in AA, they say that 90 days is a time to watch for -- brain chemistry somehow makes us want to drink again.

4. could i have just been hungry? i really watch what i eat and have been practicing eating when i'm hungry and stopping when i'm full. maybe i'm stopping too soon? maybe i always feel deprived?

5. stress was in the air this week. i spent a lot of time with a dear friend who's life is in turmoil and who's having panic attacks. my boyfriend had a really stressful week and got really stressed out. and i had my own stuff.

whatever the reason, i binged. i talked about it with my boyfriend, who was great. he pointed it out that it was one day, at a party and today's a new day.

i woke up, out of practice with coping with the day after a binge.

we went to church. i thought that would be good. i'm jewish and not religious, but i enjoy praying and meditating beside my boyfriend.

today's priest has a lovely, warm way about him. he speaks often of love, compassion, forgiveness, spirituality. this morning,it seemed that he was speaking to me, saying what i needed to hear. when he said "live in love", i felt the warmth of the idea. when he spoke of compassion, forgivenss, mercy, it clicked.

i will pray for love, compassion, forgiveness and mercy. it's hard for self-hatred about binging to creep in with all that.

after church, my boyfriend likes to get something to eat. respecting my post-binge ultra-fullness (i stuffed myself until 1 am), he asked if he could make me tea?

later, i went to my apartment and did my laundry and read and meditated on forgiving myself.

then i got a manicure. now, i'm blogging.

i'd like to figure out why i binged to prevent another one. they sure take a toll, physically and mentally. don't they?

but i'm okay. kind of in a good place (except for my stomach which squeals a lot.) a good place is nice.

that's the weigh it is

a heart tied with string is a pretty thing drew this picture, Measure Me. (i love her work -- so well done and so evocative.) unfortunately, i am having technical difficulties with my computer and am not able to transport that great picture. just go to her blog.

The picture reminds me of the one time I stopped weighing. I'd whip out that tape measure every morning and wrap it around all my offending body parts. i was binging then and gaining weight. Each day, i'd pull that tape tighter around my waist, sucking in my gut while squinting my eyes, praying to discover an acceptable number.

these days when i don't weigh, i find myself staring at my stomach, checking for any new bulginess. when i sit on the toilet, i gaze down to see if my belly's the same size as the last time i sat on the john. there is no peace.

Harriet didn't weigh herself with me on Tuesday. She wrote that when she weighed herself on Wednesday, she'd lost two pounds. That could mess a person up!

Eating Alone also stayed off the scale. He said that it calmed him to step on the scale again on Wednesday. I found that too -- what a relief to know what i weigh.

what have other people done when they've stopped weighing? did you initially eat less out of fear? did you "relapse"?

By the way, i weighed myself Wednesday, but not yesterday. i was at my brother's but actually FORGOT to weigh myself. wow.

i didn't weigh myself. do i weigh tomorrow???

i didn't weigh myself. again, it was harder than i thought. my dear boyfriend did something with the scale -- i have no idea what, which is great. thank you, dear.

but there's still the issue of my brother's scale. he lives next door to me and they leave their door open. i was home later than them this morning and the temptation was huge. at one point, i was going over there BUT

Harriet at http://harrietmwelch.wordpress.com/ (forgive me, can anyone tell me how to cut and paste a link?) agreed to stay scale-free with me today and knowing she's out there kept me off the scale. it's great having a buddy.

on another note, i have been so busy and my travels have kept me away from my computer most of the time. i miss having time. starting tomorrow, i will get to read all the blogs i love. yay!

today was a really long and stressful day. i'm almost too tired to write. i feel like i'm just rambling but i wanted to say, I DIDN'T WEIGH MYSELF TODAY.

the scale: a tough time getting off

does anyone have any ideas how to help me stop weighing myself? does one day at a time help? did anyone go "cold turkey"?

each night, i tell myself i will not weigh the next day, but upon waking, i pee (of course) and pop off to the scale.

every day there's a new reason just to have a little peek. how can i put aside all my excuses and respect myself enough to start my day sans scale?

this weekend was busy with events -- my cousins wedding and my boyfriend's fathers birthday (a buffet.) my cousin's was easier, because the foods weren't my favorites. somehow, that took the "pressure" off. i ate enough to curb my hunger and then got busier re-connecting with family. the buffet was hard -- no matter how much i watched, i ate more than i like in a normal day. and it was at 4 -- a weird time for me to eat.

do i need more help with this? because i am a normal weight and don't binge, purge or starve, perhaps i think i'm doing better than i am.

it's getting really old. i am tired of having my days and nights ruled by food and weight. BUT AM I TIRED ENOUGH TO LET IT GO?