I'm a very fearful person. i'm afraid of the dark, afraid of driving at night, afraid to try new things. As a child, i thought Hitler was hiding in the closet. seriously. i didn't want to go to school because i feared Hitler would take my mother while i was gone.
these days -- i'm afraid of food and weight gain.
traveling with my brother, we'd go to these serious restaurants, where i was confronted with vast menus and hours of eating. my heart raced through each experience. i'd talk to myself and talk to myself and talk to myself, but i still worried through eat moment.
of course, it's about fear of weight gain. i've gained some weight lately, and i can picture the scale inching (leaping) up and up and up -- my body exploding into layers and layers of folds of fat.
when my boyfriend tells me i'm beautiful, my first thought is "but i've gained five pounds". how will he feel if i put on another five and another five and another five? when will i see those square hips, big thighs, round belly and jumbo boobs?
all morning, i've been stewing about weighing more than i have in two years. i couldn't wait for everyone to go to lunch, so i could write this blog and get it off my chest and be in a space where others understand.
notice, i did not go to lunch with the gang. how could i -- i've gained five pounds. and weigh two ounces more than i have in two years.
writing out the way my brain works is informative, indeed. it's rotten to think the way i do.
this weekend, my boyfriend and i had friends over. since money's an issue, we planned to go to the all-you-can -eat Chinese buffet. usually, i'm okay with the place, but because my weight is up and i'm feeling out of control, i was fairly terrified to go.
our friends were exhausted and at the last minute, decided to re-schedule. when told us, i finally let my breath out. i could stay home and eat salad. (they're also sober. when they canceled, i thought, "woo hoo, i can drink wine". alcohol consumption is a whole other conversation.)
i know i've gained some weight because i'm staying at my boyfriend's more often. he has lots of delicious food at his house, and we eat and eat together. it's fun. we hang out in the kitchen. he likes to eat standing up and i sit, and we chat and graze and chat and graze.
all this "grazing" is fine for him. he's a big guy. i, on the other hand, worry about the effects on my body the whole time we're eating. in the back of my head, i hear "stop, stop. get away from the food. put that salad dressing down. get away from the mayonnaise. drop that second helping, immediatedly."
i'll plan to stay at my apartment, where i have diet coke, coke zero, seltzer and wine. i can get a half turkey sandwich with mustard and make a nice salad with balsamic vinegar. ah, what the scale will say tomorrow. ta da.
lately, that hasn't worked out. it's nicer at my boyfriends. he's a lot cozier to sleep with than my pillow. and i like to chat and graze and chat and graze. or i make him watch Dancing with the Stars and American Idol and we eat and comment through the shows. (he's a good egg!)
granted, i'm still eating lots of salads and trying to watch my choices, but i really don't feel like restricting.
how i wish i could stay off the scale. how i wish i could go out to lunch with my co-workers, even if i've gained a few. (when i'm down five pounds, i WILL join them. what a strange barometer for life choices.) how i wish food weren't so scarey, interesting, important....
i'm working on it. very hard.