I have not been treating my body well -- not in any way.
I've been eating constantly -- lots of chips and cake. It's a long time since i've eaten this compulsively.
i've been drinking a lot of wine. i've been smoking. i've been tanning -- something i've never done before. it can't be good for me and my fair skin. i've taken the occasional sleeping pill.
it feels terrible. i feel terrible, physically and emotionally.
was it mother's day that got me? my boyfriend's a florist, and we spent the last week dedicated to preparing flowers for many, many, many mom's. everywhere i turned there were people buying flowers for their mothers, their wives, their grandmothers.
was it having his parents over unexpectedly and having to clean and shop and clean and shop. unexpectedly. and then they showed up TWO HOURS early, while i was vacuuming and my boyfriend was mowing the lawn (after a full day of working at the flower shop.) and on top of that, they'd already eaten, unexpectedly. i had enough food and beverage to feed everyone on the block. you could tell his parents just wanted to go home.
i haven't thought about my mom much, which is really, really unusual. until a couple of weeks ago, i dreamed about her every single night. maybe i'm letting go, which could make things easier. but it's so sad too. my mom is really gone. and it seems that everyone else has their mom or is a mom.
i talked to my sister today, who is a mom. it's my fabulous niece's 14th b'day. my sister tells me that all my niece thinks about is her weight. she gained 15 pounds and is no longer the skinny kid she always was.
my sister's looking for ways to help my niece lose weight without making my niece nuts about it. (remember, my sister is a sylph. muscular, disciplined, tiny.)
i told my sister to leave it alone. to tell my niece she's perfect and beautiful the way she is. right now. no matter what my niece says. my niece is very healthy. she loves to dance and takes lots of classes. she's 5'4 and 134 pounds. in a better world, EVERYONE would consider that perfect. i pray she stays healthy.
while i was talking to my sister, i thought of myself. i stepped on the scale this morning and weighed 135. all my reckless eating and drinking have put on about 8 pounds.
but if those eight pounds are soooo important to me, how can i be an example to my beloved niece? if i'm drinking a bottle of wine, how can i help her?
it's time for me to take care of myself. for me. for my niece. for my boyfriend. for me!!!!
first step -- i just emailed my therapist that i'm taking antabuse (the anti-alcohol drug) during my session tomorrow. not drinking makes everything better -- especially my now very-blotchy skin. oh yeah, and my self-esteem and all my decisions.
when i'm not drinking, i eat better. i sleep better. the whole thing works better.
and then i can get out to pittsburgh to visit my niece. and let her know she's perfect and wonderful JUST THE WAY SHE IS.