i haven't written in a while, because i just don't know i feel about anything at the moment. i'm sitting in a big pool of ambivalence. swimming around, a little breathlessly (that would be anxiety).
i certainly don't know what's going with my addictions. the last couple of weeks i've been drinking and eating and wondering if maybe a sleeping pill could be a good idea.
re: the drinking. i have been drinking red wine every night -- two or three glasses. probably more on the weekends. my plan is to give it up starting tomorrow. i'll take antabuse at my therapists tomorrow.
but i don't how i feel about it. i've thoroughly enjoyed my drinking nights. i've gone out for dinner and gotten a little tipsy with the boyfriend. it was fun. i haven't had much fun lately. i don't feel so restricted. i don't feel like "poor me. everyone gets to drink but me. it sucks."
still, drinking gets out of hand. when i started again, the plan was to drink only on the weekends. that lasted -- not even a day. if i can't stick to that plan, i have a problem, and i need not to drink.
still, i'll be traveling with my brother for three weeks, and we go out for all those fancy meals i hate, and i'll be dying for wine. oooo, that doesn't sound good -- "dying for wine".
my head knows i can't drink, at least right now. my heart hates sobriety. ambivalence.
on to the eating. the alcohol flows, and...i eat with abandon, and i'm loving it. except, i've gained six pounds. i weigh more than i've weighed in a year, and i hate it. do i want to cut back, so i can get down to a more comfortable weight? my suits are going to be pinchingly tight on my trip if i don't.
if i'm not drinking, the weight should slide down a bit. three glasses of wine, or more, have lots of calories. and i when boozing, i relax and let myself eat quite heartily.
i have no idea how i want to handle this. quite ambivalent.
drugs. this is a hard one, because i really don't need a sedative or a sleeping pill, other than the trazedone my psychiatrist happily prescribes. but i want the ambien or the lunesta, so i'm GUARANTEED sleep. i really want them, BUT they make me feel cruddy the day after. ambien makes me crazy and cranky and low energy. lunesta's a little better, BUT it leaves an unbelievably hideous taste in my mouth.
what to do?
do i want to switch psychiatrists? this one makes me feel terrible about myself when i slip, BUT she is so smart and firmly believes that i must and i CAN leave a clean and sober life. but.
i'm not making any decisions, as i'm so unsure. but decisions make themselves and many of them aren't great.
some clarity would be very nice right about now.