Yesterday, i ate with abandon. I'd had my usual stomach troubles and for two days, i couldn't keep things down or in. i probably restricted a bit too -- it saw a great opportunity to drop a few, and i did lose weight.
Yesterday, I was ravenous. i had a muffin for breakfast, guilt-free pizza for lunch and chocolate mid-afternoon.
It was glorious -- eating freely. that cheesy, doughy large slice of pizza was fabulous. i pictured life eating like that -- it would be so easy. i thought of athletes who can eat what they like and not worry and fret and fight guilt over pizza.
yesterday, my eating felt okay because, i'd earned it.
earned it? what is that? because i had diarrhea for two days i was entitled to eat a whole slice of pizza? to have some peace?
when i was miserable starving girl, i'd daydream about entitled eating. in one fantasy, i'd been lost on a deserate island for five days without food. after i was rescued, i let myself eat whatever i wanted to regain my strength. there was enough french toast in these dreams to ... well to feed the fantasies of every anorexic on earth.
why do i think i need to be starved in order to feed myself without guilt or worry?
sadly, the entitled feeling disappeared after my second late afternoon piece of chocolate. i started to worry about how much weight i'd regain. was i out of control? was i...entitled to dinner? clearly, i had no discipline.
i did eat dinner, although i didn't feel great about it.
i need to move from craving entitled eating to learning to eat with enlightenment.
Entitled eating-how my bulimia started. Seemed all dreamy and fantasy like imagining all the forbidden foods while restricting for days at a time.
ReplyDeleteI just have come to recognation of how much my anxiety triggers my ED, and my urge to b/p. While stressed it seems like nothing in the world could give me the fix but that. Through therapy I'm learning I need to communicate my emotions even when I do not think they are relevant to my ED, because my brain likes to store emotions in one big pile until it crumbles.
Hope you are feeling well now, and much support & love for you=)
This is all very informative to those of us that don't actually have an ED. Whereas I fully recognize that I have many of the same symptoms and neurosis as an ED sufferer, I don't actually starve myself, nor do I binge/purge.
ReplyDeleteI have flirted with the idea of taking laxatives, from time to time, but have never actually done it, as I dont have the time to run in and out of the bathroom all morning, and especially since I share one bathroom with 3 other individuals.
I have a vomit phobia, so I could never be bulimic, like my sister was.
I have felt that surge of entitlement, however, if I'd "forgotten" to eat that day, and so consumed a couple of thousand calories in a dinner and dessert.
Odd how we have the mindset, but not everyone manifests that mindset into the symptoms of an ED. I really do beleive that society has programmed all women to have an ED of some form or another.
Sad.
And I'm glad to see you posting again, I've missed you terribly.
Much love.
Oh, and two words:
ReplyDeleteComment Moderation. Lets you filter out the comments you don't want anyone else to see.
Like trolls.
I'd like to think that everyone is entitled to eat what they want, but it's a very hard concept for me to accept. There are few times when I feel like I "deserve" to eat. There has been one time in my life, at Disneyland of all places, when I ate exactly what I wanted. I cling to that memory now and hope that is what true recovery is like.
ReplyDeleteMy boss's father goes on a soup diet for months. Soup and juices. Big liquid doses for ages. Loses about 20kg and looks and feels great. But, he then eats and eats what he likes until the 20kg goes back on. Then, the soup diet starts and so on. He calls it rewarding his efforts. Oh, and when he is on the soup diet he is a bad tempered moron. When he is eating what he likes, he is happy.
ReplyDeleteIf I eat too much one day (more than 1800 calories) I restrict food the next day and do extra exercise. If I eat anything I perceive as bad (tiny bit of chocolate) I take a laxette to move it on, followed by copious amounts of water. I think about food, my weight, my size etc all the time and not usually in a positive way either. (although today was good).
At 45 I am not even going to try to change. If I do I end up feeling guilty as can be or as though I am fighting against the natural tide. I know my diet is essentially good so that is the main thing. I think this is how I am made and I just work in with it.
I say good for you! Enjoy that Pizza! :)
ReplyDeleteI never thought about that thought process as being called 'Entitled Eating'. Makes alot of sense.
ReplyDeletesarah; interesting connection between b/p and entitled eating. they really are just a step apart.
ReplyDeleteindeed, stress and anxiety are hooked into the ED. you're right - communications is key. but it's so hard and scarey. doesn't it feel like such a risk? yet, when i can communicate my feelings, i feel so much better, stronger, in my body and DISCONNECTED from my ED
karen: i always like to hear what women without out an ED do and feel. it is impossibly sad that most, perhaps all, women have some form of an ED. i guess we all have such low esteem when it comes to our natural physical selves -- we turn to anything to make ourselves look "good". things like plastic surgery are so dangerous and painful, botox is poison and painful and god knows, vomiting out food is painful, dangerous, time-consuming, hard and awful. yet, we do it all. surreal, isn't it?
just eat it: i'll be in anaheim, ca (disneyland), for biz next month. i'm sure we'll go to disney. i'll be thinking of you, and i'll really try to eat like you did. thanks for the great example!
Linda: i so appreciate your honesty. your approach is realistic and pragmatic. we do do the best we can with who we are and how we feel. i very much respect your choices. as for your Barney's father, well, i guess he's making his own choices too
Girl: i did enjoy the pizza in the moment. one day, i hope, i'll be able to be more comfortable after the fact!!!! ya know what i mean?
Gaining Back My Life: yeah, can you believe we think we need to deserve to eat, when eating is one of our most primal needs. pretty bizarre. sad but true.