Yesterday, i ate with abandon. I'd had my usual stomach troubles and for two days, i couldn't keep things down or in. i probably restricted a bit too -- it saw a great opportunity to drop a few, and i did lose weight.
Yesterday, I was ravenous. i had a muffin for breakfast, guilt-free pizza for lunch and chocolate mid-afternoon.
It was glorious -- eating freely. that cheesy, doughy large slice of pizza was fabulous. i pictured life eating like that -- it would be so easy. i thought of athletes who can eat what they like and not worry and fret and fight guilt over pizza.
yesterday, my eating felt okay because, i'd earned it.
earned it? what is that? because i had diarrhea for two days i was entitled to eat a whole slice of pizza? to have some peace?
when i was miserable starving girl, i'd daydream about entitled eating. in one fantasy, i'd been lost on a deserate island for five days without food. after i was rescued, i let myself eat whatever i wanted to regain my strength. there was enough french toast in these dreams to ... well to feed the fantasies of every anorexic on earth.
why do i think i need to be starved in order to feed myself without guilt or worry?
sadly, the entitled feeling disappeared after my second late afternoon piece of chocolate. i started to worry about how much weight i'd regain. was i out of control? was i...entitled to dinner? clearly, i had no discipline.
i did eat dinner, although i didn't feel great about it.
i need to move from craving entitled eating to learning to eat with enlightenment.