(warning: this piece rambles.)
I drank, I stole Ambien, I ate so much, I smoked.
So, there you go.
Can you believe i feel worst about the eating? Four days of big dinners and cookies. With having my period, i feel my stomach expanding out to the house next door.
is that really true? why aren't i more miserable about the drinking? and going into my sister-in-law's drawer and stealing ambien and taking it?
perhaps it's because i relapsed all around. i just did. my hormones are raging. my cramps triple me over. i wanted relief. i thought a glass of wine would help with the cramps (it didn't).
i thought the ambien would help me get a good, long sleep. te sleep WAS amazing and much needed. the rotten part was the stealing. i'm not going to beat myself up as long as i don't do it again. that's the thing to work on.
i have to give more thought to alcohol. after seven weeks sober, there was wine.
i don't know what i'm going to do tonight.
how would i love to be able to have a glass of wine on the weekend? how hard would that be? could i do it? would i dream about it all week? would the weekend wine consume my mind?
there's been so much drinking around me. wednesday, we went to the boyfriend's parents 52nd wedding anniversary. there WAS so much wine and champagne AND food. they all drank moderately (of course, the brothers had the traditional shot of homemade vodka with their dad after the meal.) boy, did that champagne look good. i had diet orange soda, seltzer, diet coke, two cups of coffee and peed all night.
no alcohol for me, but I consumed an awful lot of (yummy) dinner and two pieces of cake.
friday, my girlfriend wanted to visit the bartender at a lovely restaurant near us. she invited me to join her. i love the place and was sick of drinking coffee, diet coke, iced tea, lemonade, seltzer with lime and peeing all night. instead, i sipped one glass of wine over three hours. and peed once.
we smoked cigarettes in her car. suddenly, i'm smoking three cigarettes a day. i don't know why. i never smoke regularly. i suppose i smoke, so i don't eat and drink. it IS something to do with my hands and mouth.
of course, this mustn't continue. i don't want to become a smoker. absention should be viewed as something that's good for me, not something i'm depriving myself of.
where am i now? i just don't know? it 3 pm. my eating's on regular track. i've smoked two cigarettes. i don't feel like drinking, but i can't predict what i'll want tonight.
it's all raw. i do feel that i'm in IT, instead of pretending i'm okay. i struggle sometimes and sometimes i don't.
over the next few days, i'll need to make some decisions or decide to let things ride. i can't predict what that will look like.
i'm strangely okay with this but sometimes not. i'm sitting with it all. there's no denial (well, maybe thinking i can just drink on weekends.)
one thing i know for sure -- it will unfold.