why do spend all my time with itchy faux comforts when there are tons of people who support me in my life, who can offer real comfort? why can't i take that in and feel that?
didn't i start eating compulsively at such a young age because i didn't have love and support or stability? now i have all of that, and i'm gnawing on gum (even as we "speak") and sucking the non-living daylights out of Werther's caramels. (i suck really loudly and assume i annoy many people.)
i can understand it when i'm scared and powerless, e.i., we had a horrible plane ride, because of horrible weather, to california. what with planes going down left and right lately, i was frightened, helpless and sitting alone. obviously, i made it home safely, but during the turbulence, lollipop wrappers flew. suck, suck, suck.
yet, i'm not often powerless like that. and when i am scared or bored or angry, i can pick up the phone and call or text or email and find some wonderful person who loves and supports me. if i'm a little out of touch, wonderful people reach out to me. as i speak to them, i gulp down coffee.
will i ever feel emotionally nourished enough not to "need" a perpetually chewing mouth, constantly engaged fingers, a busy mind?
can i ever rest?