Big Beautiful Women

I get girl crushes on larger sized women -- i wish i felt the freedom to be one myself.

my body longs to be free. as i've mentioned before, when i've really left myself alone, my weight climbs and climbs -- all my Russian peasant stock ancestors were bigger folks, and i know that's what my body wants too. of course, i won't let it.

in the past, i posted pictures of gorgeous fuller-sized women on my refrigerator for encouragement. at my most anorexic, a glowing plus-sized model could make me weep. when i wore a size nothing, i'd buy Mode magazine for plus-sized women, and i'd pray for the courage and strength to let my body be where it belonged. Model Kate Dillon, in particular, was my glorious hero. she'd struggled horribly to meet the weight demands of the regular modeling world, but now worked so successfully at her body's larger natural size.

My boss, Ann, is exquisite -- distractingly beautiful. She's nearly 6' and fantastically strong. she, of course, thinks she's fat and has no confidence at all, but i find her eye candy. when she stands to her full height, with her waist length hair high in a pony tail and her cowboy boots planted firmly on the ground, i just think there's no better looking woman around.

i've written before about taking my niece shopping last year at Lane Bryant, where i felt absolutely at home -- to me, these were my peeps. i was the exact weight for this store when i was in my teens and part of 20s and then later 30s, but i never shopped there. instead, i'd try to deny my size and embark on my incredibly unhealthy process of slaving off the weight.

i wonder where i'd be if i'd learned to accept myself at a larger size. instead of dieting madly my whole life, what if i'd found Lane Bryant for myself and let myself be?

what does any of this mean for me now?