Thursday, March 31, 2011

Free from Weight Tyranny

it's amazing, but i really don't care what i weigh. i really don't.

of course, i don't always know what i weigh anymore, so what's to actually care about.

the thing is -- i look fine, and i'll look fine if i get bigger. i trust (trust, me?) that i probably won't get too much bigger,anyway, because i pretty much eat normal-esque portions when i'm hungry and don't often get too full. why don't i get too full -- because it doesn't feel great and i like to feel good.

i find i don't need to feel so filled with food because my life is richer. i love and adore my new apartment, my new friends, my new attitude toward life. i am appreciative and grateful and see where things were once so much worse. and there are wonderful people in my corner now.

sure, i re-visited eating-to-soothe in the first two weeks of my new job. but it was okay and even manageable. yes, i chewed a lot of gum and sucked a lot of hard candies to calm my nerves and anxiety. did it help -- in a way, yeah. now, i'm feeling calmer and pretty darn good.

as i mentioned in my last post, i did note a few extra pounderoos when i jumped on my friends scale last week. but then i jumped off the scale and had dinner with that friend. life went on, i ENJOYED the evening and i was fine.

when i say i "enjoyed" the evening, i mean that i could be present and part of the conversation. we watched a movie, and i saw the movie. i wasn't worrying about what i'd weighed or what i'd eaten or what i'd weigh tomorrow or what i'd eat tomorrow.

talk about freedom.

re; my weight. i obsessed over every ounce of it for most of my life. even as i was healing and allowing myself to settle at a healthy weight, i still watched that weight with every inch of my 20/20 vision. even as i stopped throwing up and taking laxatives and binging and starving, even then i lived by the digits. when they went up, i'd freak -- sometimes a little and sometimes a little more.

not now.

i'm dating someone new, and he seems perfectly happy with my body. for some odd and unknown reason, i've been getting asked out a lot lately, which as i said in an earlier post, i find bizarre. people, i'm going to be 47 in June! no one asked me out in my 20s or 30s, and i was thinner then.

and there you go. nobody liked me more when i was supermodel thin. not one person, although i really thought they would. they didn't.

i CERTAINLY DIDN'T LIKE ME at all when i was supermodel thin and obsessed with weight, then drugs and later, alcohol.

now there's some peace. is there perfection? absolutely not. i'm a work in progress but now, i see a lot of progress.

that's free.

9 comments:

  1. That's your answer - you like yourself, and that attracts men.

    It makes me think there might be hope for me...

    I am so proud of you...You just keep doing well and taking care of yourself and recovering...You are awesome!!!

    {{{Hugs}}}
    Angela

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  2. This is such an awesome post! I'm so glad to hear you're doing well :)

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  3. It's sounds to me as if you have found "normal." That's what we should all strive for...NORMAL. And I think men like "normal." I think you are probably putting out a positive vibe. Way to go.

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  4. angela; i've been thinking about you. you are amazing in all YOU'RE doing and how you're growing and dealing.

    there IS hope, which is pretty amazing too!

    Lucy: i am startled when i re-read this post --is it ME writing? well, yes, it is. it's extraordinary not to care. and absolutely possible for everyone.

    Grace: "normal", huh? not a word i've ever used for myself.

    i am happier and feeling better about life. often, i even feel really good. i do think that goes over better than the miserable, depressed, furious gal i used to be!

    thanks for writing.

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  5. I'm glad to hear you're doing well and that things seem to be going your way lately :)

    When I quit purging for both the second-to-last time and last time, I pretty much chained smoked to calm myself down. I won't lie, it worked for me. Sooo, what I'm getting at, though, is that coffee, gum and some hard candy may not be too terrible after all (and I would guess it might be a little easier to give up one or more of those when the time comes).

    I also agree with the comment above that said you're probably giving off positive vibes and that helps attract guys. I would also add, that it probably attracts better guys :)

    Hope your weekend is great and I'm glad things are going so well!

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  6. kris; Thank you, you said just the right thing! if i'm leaning on gum, so be it for now. i have gotten a little less dependent, though, which is nice.

    re; men. i think i'm pretty upbeat these days and pretty easygoing. i used to be sooo high maintenance. i suppose this easiness is attractive.

    Danielle Mari: really? aw shucks. i just hope that others can see that we can all get well and live happy, healthy lives. i wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened for me. hope YOU'RE well!

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  7. So wonderful to hear you sounding at peace with yourself. That is what attracts others, and it's great that you are dating a good guy. I'm so happy for you!

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  8. Harriet; thank you. i really do feel more peaceful. i can cope with things so much better than i ever could before.

    it still surprises that it's possible that i, moi, am attracting attention. i NEVER did before. AND i weigh more than i have in many, many years. i guess being skinny answers nothing. great information to have, indeed.

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