Thursday, March 31, 2011

Free from Weight Tyranny

it's amazing, but i really don't care what i weigh. i really don't.

of course, i don't always know what i weigh anymore, so what's to actually care about.

the thing is -- i look fine, and i'll look fine if i get bigger. i trust (trust, me?) that i probably won't get too much bigger,anyway, because i pretty much eat normal-esque portions when i'm hungry and don't often get too full. why don't i get too full -- because it doesn't feel great and i like to feel good.

i find i don't need to feel so filled with food because my life is richer. i love and adore my new apartment, my new friends, my new attitude toward life. i am appreciative and grateful and see where things were once so much worse. and there are wonderful people in my corner now.

sure, i re-visited eating-to-soothe in the first two weeks of my new job. but it was okay and even manageable. yes, i chewed a lot of gum and sucked a lot of hard candies to calm my nerves and anxiety. did it help -- in a way, yeah. now, i'm feeling calmer and pretty darn good.

as i mentioned in my last post, i did note a few extra pounderoos when i jumped on my friends scale last week. but then i jumped off the scale and had dinner with that friend. life went on, i ENJOYED the evening and i was fine.

when i say i "enjoyed" the evening, i mean that i could be present and part of the conversation. we watched a movie, and i saw the movie. i wasn't worrying about what i'd weighed or what i'd eaten or what i'd weigh tomorrow or what i'd eat tomorrow.

talk about freedom.

re; my weight. i obsessed over every ounce of it for most of my life. even as i was healing and allowing myself to settle at a healthy weight, i still watched that weight with every inch of my 20/20 vision. even as i stopped throwing up and taking laxatives and binging and starving, even then i lived by the digits. when they went up, i'd freak -- sometimes a little and sometimes a little more.

not now.

i'm dating someone new, and he seems perfectly happy with my body. for some odd and unknown reason, i've been getting asked out a lot lately, which as i said in an earlier post, i find bizarre. people, i'm going to be 47 in June! no one asked me out in my 20s or 30s, and i was thinner then.

and there you go. nobody liked me more when i was supermodel thin. not one person, although i really thought they would. they didn't.

i CERTAINLY DIDN'T LIKE ME at all when i was supermodel thin and obsessed with weight, then drugs and later, alcohol.

now there's some peace. is there perfection? absolutely not. i'm a work in progress but now, i see a lot of progress.

that's free.


  1. That's your answer - you like yourself, and that attracts men.

    It makes me think there might be hope for me...

    I am so proud of you...You just keep doing well and taking care of yourself and recovering...You are awesome!!!


  2. This is such an awesome post! I'm so glad to hear you're doing well :)

  3. It's sounds to me as if you have found "normal." That's what we should all strive for...NORMAL. And I think men like "normal." I think you are probably putting out a positive vibe. Way to go.

  4. angela; i've been thinking about you. you are amazing in all YOU'RE doing and how you're growing and dealing.

    there IS hope, which is pretty amazing too!

    Lucy: i am startled when i re-read this post --is it ME writing? well, yes, it is. it's extraordinary not to care. and absolutely possible for everyone.

    Grace: "normal", huh? not a word i've ever used for myself.

    i am happier and feeling better about life. often, i even feel really good. i do think that goes over better than the miserable, depressed, furious gal i used to be!

    thanks for writing.

  5. I'm glad to hear you're doing well and that things seem to be going your way lately :)

    When I quit purging for both the second-to-last time and last time, I pretty much chained smoked to calm myself down. I won't lie, it worked for me. Sooo, what I'm getting at, though, is that coffee, gum and some hard candy may not be too terrible after all (and I would guess it might be a little easier to give up one or more of those when the time comes).

    I also agree with the comment above that said you're probably giving off positive vibes and that helps attract guys. I would also add, that it probably attracts better guys :)

    Hope your weekend is great and I'm glad things are going so well!

  6. kris; Thank you, you said just the right thing! if i'm leaning on gum, so be it for now. i have gotten a little less dependent, though, which is nice.

    re; men. i think i'm pretty upbeat these days and pretty easygoing. i used to be sooo high maintenance. i suppose this easiness is attractive.

    Danielle Mari: really? aw shucks. i just hope that others can see that we can all get well and live happy, healthy lives. i wouldn't have believed it if it hadn't happened for me. hope YOU'RE well!

  7. So wonderful to hear you sounding at peace with yourself. That is what attracts others, and it's great that you are dating a good guy. I'm so happy for you!

  8. Harriet; thank you. i really do feel more peaceful. i can cope with things so much better than i ever could before.

    it still surprises that it's possible that i, moi, am attracting attention. i NEVER did before. AND i weigh more than i have in many, many years. i guess being skinny answers nothing. great information to have, indeed.