These ^&*((* %$ Jeans

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i'm writing about my weight and some restricting, in hopes that i'll pull it together and get back some self-acceptance. Here goes;

I am letting a pretty small pair of jeans rule my life. actually, there are two pairs -- exactly the same size and make.

they're skinny jeans -- straight as my friend Kai's beautiful hair. i can wear them when i'm at a certain weight, which may be a good weight for some but is at least 10 pounds too small for me.

right now, i do weigh a certain weight, and the jeans fit like Calvin Klein sewed them onto me himself. as i am at least ten pounds less than my norm, all my other clothes swamp me.

it's too cold for my swingy summer dresses. i keep thinking that if it were warm enough to wear them, i'd eat more and not worry about fitting into the (&*%)^$& jeans. swinging dresses are forgiving.

i'm not eating much. stress plays into this. is it really about the jeans?

still, this is old and familiar. it's been a long time since i've focussed on staying small for my tall frame. i'm going back many years, and yet, it's so familiar.

i say swingy dress are forgiving. couldn't i forgive myself and let myself be?

how does one forgive oneself?

what if?

what if i gave up a little control?

what I if gained the ten pounds my body, but not i, prefer. and if I didn't fit into the little jeans i've been zipping up these mornings?

what if i let my hair frizz and let up on the eye-liner, even just a little?

would my fiance leave me? would i scare small children?

would people think i was ugly, like they did in high school?

i'll probably not give up the eye-liner, but what if i didn't drink at night?

telling the truth

there are many truths to tell.

i'm an addict. i don't drink, drug or eat in moderation. i mustn't drink, take drugs or starve.

i have been drinking, contemplating klonopin, and i have lost weight (trigger alert -- i've been restricting some.)

my addictions get triggered while i'm traveling. my sleep gets screwed, and i want ambien. my brother insists we dine exquisitely at every meal -- i eat less and crave cabernet a whole lot more.

i took a second job selling make-up at macy's. i've suffered over how to tell my brother 1.) i won't be as available to work for him and 2.) i don't want to travel for him anymore.

i've been freaking about this for a couple of weeks. how do i tell him? what do i tell him?

what about the truth?

telling him the truth takes care of me. and how can he rage at my truth?

what about telling myself the truth? i'm an addict. i don't drink, drug or eat in moderation. i can't drink, drug or starve myself.

to be continued...