i've been ranting about the Obama's making their daughters' weight issues public. i am particularly angry with the president saying the girls had been chubby, because he looks like one of those horrifyingly naturally skinny beanpoles who force himslef to eat to keep his weight up. people like that are not allowed to comment on other people's weight. (wouldn't that make a great law?)
but then i check in with myself -- why am i so jealous of our president's metabolism? perhaps it goes back to my childhood. SO much was made of my own childhood "huskiness". it seemed like the other girls, the thin girls, had such easier lives. i prayed so hard to be thin. i'd daydream about getting sick and needing to be fed intravenously. after a few weeks of no solid food, i'd be svelte and everything would be great with my world.
i'd have that daydream all the time --i'd get really sick and lose lots of weight and then, voila, life would be amazing. warped,huh?
i'm kind of repeating myself -- i guess those feeling were so strong, IF I WERE THIN, EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREAT.
it is hard to be a fat kid. in 10th grade, i weighed 185 pounds. i remember sitting next to lovely Jennifer Esposito. the two (not particularly nice)guys in front of us always turned around and talked with us and flirted with her. one day, one of the guys, Jim, said to us, "you look really, really good today." pause. "you know i'd never be saying that to you, Melissa"
then he realized what he said and started looking horrified. he stuttered, "uh, i, uh, i'm sorry, uh, i, uh, uh, uh"
here's the worst part. from his response, i realized those words had just slipped out of his mouth, and he'd really meant what he'd said. he wanted to compliment Jen but then worried i'd think he was talking to me. but of course, that was ridiculous. he could NEVER say i was pretty.
from his horrified look, i realized he'd felt badly about what he said, but he didn't reverse what he'd said, because it was never possible that he would think i looked good. but jerky Jim HAD felt remorse for his words. he felt sorry for me. AWFUL
thirty years later i'm right there, sitting at that desk.
what would my childhood have been like if i'd been thin? my sister was thin and pretty. she was a cheerleader and had lots of boyfriends and friends. she had great boyfriends in college and then settled in with her lovely husband.
there is such a part of me that thinks her nice life stemmed from her rockin' body.
what WOULD my life have been like if i were naturally thin? imagine a childhood without diet pills, weight watchers, behavior modification specialists, therapists food monitoring, blah, blah, blah.
imagine college years NOT binging, purging and starving -- all to be thin. what if i hadn't taken to alcohol, so i'd drink and not eat. what if i hadn't learned that drinkings tons of red wine could help me purge.
imagine a life not spent jumping on scales, hanging over toilet boils, searching frantically for bathrooms after too many Ex-Lax. a life not weak from starving and peeing out too many diuretic.
i know it's wrong to believe it; i know it's wrong to ask but would my life have been better if i were naturally thin?