Monday, January 4, 2010

everything is fine right now

i've been telling myself all day, "everything is fine right now." i tend to obsess about the future and stress-out about the present.

woke up this morning and got on the scale after not weighing myself for a week (big accomplishment.) i've gained five pounds.

usually, i'd suffer all day but instead, i told myself that my body is perfect right now. i said it over and over throughout the day. the truth is -- the extra five pounds make me a better weight for me. five pounds less is a struggle. although i love that weight, IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME. my body is perfect right now. wow.

anxiety hit me today. although this felt weird, i actually talked to the anxiety and asked what was going on. (i know this sounds weird.) the response was that i'm not working hard enough at work and i'm scared that my brother/boss will really notice. i don't want to do the work i'm doing -- i hate sales!!! i haven't filled out grad school applications. what am i going to do with the rest of my life.

"talking" to my anxiety actually worked out well. we did breathing exercises (i know this sounds weird) and laughed together that they only kind of worked.

so what did i do after the exchange? i did some work, i made an appointment to sit down with my brother and go over accounts, i emailed two people to see if they'd write my references for schools. i reached out to a literary agent i know and asked if and/or his office needs anyone to read manuscripts. i love, love, love to read. i made a dentist appointment that i really need. i scheduled a colonoscopy, which i really need.

this was all so great, but i did work myself up a bit. i get anxious when i'm excited (not about the dentist or colonoscopy.)

you know what, though, everything is fine right now.

for everyone who read and commented on my last post, thank you, thank you, thank you. your support supported me in every way.

i did reach out to my friend, ted. we made a date to meet, and he seemed happy to do it. when we get together, i will talk to him about what i'm feeling. he is my dearest friend.

time for me to get back to "the real world." i'm a little revved up. why DO we get anxious when we're happy and excited?

breathe. breathe out. everything is fine right now, including my weight


  1. I think it's a great idea to "talk" to you anxiety. Isn't this what cognitive behavior therapy is all about? I like this phrase -- everything is fine right now. Like you, I get stressed about what is and I get stressed about what's to come (thankfully, I don't harp too much on what WAS... I have to stay sane, after all). Anyway, hang in there. It sounds like you're doing well. Deep breaths, as they say!

  2. I think its great that you recognised that this weight is good for you and is something you can maintain without a struggle. This post has given me hope- you are such a good role model. It sounds like you are getting into life instead of focusing inward. Getting things done, accomplishing tasks, making plans. Making less room for ED in your life.

    I meant to comment on your last post but was trying to think of something helpful to say and never got there. Maybe next time I will just be honest and say "I feel you".

    I'm glad you are feeling better.

  3. Such a great post. I'm smiling widely right now. Great idea, to talk to your anxiety. We all have the answers inside of us. Why then do we not listen? Why do we defy ourselves?

    Something I need to work on in the coming year.

  4. It's not weird at all I try and do it all the time. I've got a mental image of a child, that's where the anxiety lives, I ask if he is ok and tell him I love him. It sounds so psycho but it totaly works.

    Good luck on the applications.

  5. Just wanted to chime in, I admire how you were able to get a grip on the anxiety so that it did not keep a grip on you. Also, even though your worth is NOT determined by that number, remember that the average person's weight fluctuates by about 5 pounds anyway. But plus 5 or 10 or 15, it doesn't affect the things that are important about you. Glad you're feeling better, thanks for the inspiring post!

  6. Oh wow, that's great that you can handel your anxiety! And congrats on not weighing in - that's crucial. :)

  7. Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but I am so happy when I come across other women who are as mental as I am. And I mean that in the true sense of sisterhood!

    Thanks for visiting my blog--I, too, have a lot of stupid weighty issues. And don't even get me going on my hair...


  8. I've never talked to my anxiety but it sounds like a good idea. It seems to have worked really well for you. And good job about not being stressed over the 5 pounds!

  9. I really admire that you went a week without weighing yourself! (I'm working toward that goal, but I'm still so afraid.) And it sounds like you worked through your anxiety.

    Good luck with grad school - I just started in August and it's been great so far.

    Keep up the good work.

  10. So happy things are better. Also glad to learn this "talk to the anxiety" trick.

    Finding what we want to do in life is SO important. Hope that you can find something that will be a good fit because spending your life doing something you hate and dread, really could there be anything worse? (spent many years doing that, and probably many others have too)
    Best of luck on the school selection/future career figuring-out stuff.


  11. karen; it's so true. the fiance was just be-moaning times he hasn't followed his gut and really missed out on things. i'm getting a little better with listening, especially after i pray for guidance. it doesn't help if i get the guidance but fail to "get" it. thanks, kar.

    eating alone; it really is this poor kid inside of us who's so scared. fyi, mine has my original fizzy hair, pre-chemical straightening.

    talking to the anxiety really helped, particularly when we ended up laughing WITH each other. hope YOUR anxiety is in a good mood today!

    cammy; thank you for writing. i'm always interested in your comments on other blogs. AND, thank you for reminding me that weight does fluctuate. easy we forget.

    i AM getting better. it wazn't easy, though, as you well know this process can be like a snail. still, i appreciate the changes -- hey, i just came from a post-holiday buffet with with my boyfriend's family. and you know how "fun" buffets can be for us. i'm fine. it wouldn't my first choice, but i'm fine. hope you are too!

    shae adele; now, i don't want to suggest that i ALWAYS manage my old friend anxiety, BUT it's nothing like it used to be. this life is manageable -- that one wasn't!

    yeah, i'm suprised that didn't really stress the weight. it was great, though. i wish lots of day like that for all of us!!!!

  12. linda lou: i am a completely mental woman and proud of it. NOT so proud of my hair. delighted to meet you.

    why do so many women have, as you say, weighty issues? it's really sad and current trends make it so discouraging for the next generous. how did this happen? how much time do we waste? how depressed am i now?

    now i need to head right back to your blog for some humor. thanks for visiting mine.

    harriet; desperate times call for these measure. i have hard time taking myself seriously when i'm chatting up my anxiety. and answering back. but i couldn't think what else to do -- i'd taken a bath, practiced calming breathing techniques, etc., and i was still twitching. so, i remembered this piece of advice from along therapist. it would never have worked then. but it the other day, so i'm happy.

    i was kind of surprised that i wasn't really stressed out about the weight gain. it was a busy day, in a good way, and i was generally in a good mood. still, i know it's progress. THAT NEVER, NEVER haved worked back when.

    hope you're in a good place. you're a great person.

    angela; thank you for stopping by. i really like your blog. i've been reading it. i see you on other blogs too and always appreciate your comments.

    i had my boyfriend hide that little scale away somewhere. i was over at my brother's and popped on his. the days that were scale-free were really busy and i was always running out the house late, so i didn't notice as much that it wasn't there BUT when i walked into my bro's bathroom, that baby just winked right at me.

    the scale is freaky and mean but also somewhat comforting, right? what a weird world!

    look forward to getting back to your blog. sounds like we have some stuff in common

    my dear cow; i picture you speaking to your inner anxiety, a terribly tense little topiary. it can help.

    yes indeed, it sucks doing hateful work, ie., when i was an executive recruiter -- blegh, yuck, phooey, #%@#%, sucks the big wazoo, worst job in the world. get my point?

    i think i'm on my way. i'm FINALLY getting some clariy. but you know what, it was there all the time. i just wasn't listening.