when kate moss said, "nothing tastes as good as skinny looks", it pushed some deeply embedded buttons.
"ooooh, she's right. look how disciplined she is", swooned my ED. "if kate moss can starve, why can't i?," ED asked, eating his heart out.
here's the thing. isn't that a question i've kind of asked you all before? didn't i worry about my momentary lust for kelly ripa's body (to own it, not romance it, of course.)? havent i confessed my discreet purchases of Vogue while in airports. and don't you know i read those articles, "how to lose weight effortlessly"?
what about all the blogs wondering why i care so about my frizzy hair, my nail color, my slightly buck teeth and saggy boobs? and HOW much does it really mean to me? say, would i miss a wedding if my hair frizzed in the rain? probably not. would i go to the same wedding without a bra -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
and my body. WHY DO I WANT TO BE THIN? will i accept myself if i gain weight? why can't i eat intuitively -- eat when hungry, stop when full?
well, you know the funny thing i realized the other day -- i do. without realizing it, i've been eating when hungry and stopping when full. i'm realizing that food's lost so much of its power over me, other than to feed me and please me in the moment.
it's a wonderful feeling -- so joyous. i've been sober for 7 months. wow -- didn't think i'd ever get to say that. and i'm over 2 and a half years off substances. didn't think i'd make it to say that.
but still - freedom within and around food is unbelievable. it's been about 35 years of my life.
now i must go to bed. just back from charleston, sc last night. off to LA first thing tomorrow morning.
traveling stops on saturday for three weeks. can't wait to read more of your blogs and to respond to all of you wonderful comments on mine. thank you for all your support.
hope everyone's having a peaceful december
ahh... I loved this post. Good for you, Girl.
ReplyDeleteoh lord. i read that last line as
ReplyDelete"hope everyone is having a peaceful disorder"
nooooooooo!! i need more coffee. yikes. lol.
Yes, didn't that Kate Moss thing get under your skin a bit?
In the Calvin Klein ads, the heroin chic days, (early 90s, i believe) I was in high school. I will not say that i was not influenced. I do want to say that I did not WANT to be influenced.
Glad the intuitive thing is going for you. Seems like on of those tricky things that the only way it works, is if you don't focus on it tooo much.
take it easy!
Glad that you are maintaining equilibrium despite all this horrible traveling.
ReplyDeleteHard to do, just keep doing what you're doing.
ps Have never thought kate moss was attractive in the least.
What an uplifting post! Congrats on your sobriety, and I'm so happy that you've been able to eat intuitively. I've noticed that it's one of those things that sort of happens when you're not thinking about it too hard. You sound very at peace. Considering all the traveling, that's pretty impressive!
ReplyDeleteNice to see you posting! Good job with the traveling - it can be so stressful. And great work with the sobriety and freedom from substances.
ReplyDeletekaren; thank you. i'm home now. YIPPEE! and back on track. by the end of the trip, i was feeling wobblier (is that a word.) it's nice to know i can slip right back into sanity!
ReplyDeleteshawna; well, i guess a peaceful disorder beats a miserable disorder? hope you got more coffee!
the funny thing about heroine chic -- i think it was fueled by cocaine and cigarettes. ick.
topiary: it can be SO hard for me to hold on to mental health while on the road. i have gotten better. i hope that improves.
i think kate moss is pretty, but i don't get the sense she's the loveliest of people. but what do i know?
kim; i'm more peaceful. i slip and slide, but overall, growing up a lot! intuitive eating is surprising because when i'm paying attention to my body, it has surprising preferences. they're based on what makes me feel healthiest. i can see where children have a natural, healthy diet when they eat what they want. so interesting.
harriet; thank you, thank you, thank you. i'm so happy to have three weeks off from traveling. i cling to my own bed.
i have to always remember how far i've come. i NEVER thought i'd be sober, and i'm not sure anyone else did either. i showed them, right? and i showed myself