Friday, December 11, 2009


i am grumpy. life on the road is getting to moi! i'm disgruntled that i left in such good shape and some of it gets torn down while traveling with the family.

i'm sure others can appreciate regression around family. i've come so far, but you'd never know it if you saw me at dinner with the bro and his wife tonight. grrrrrrrr. who was that bitchy woman with the frown?

why do i engage with them? i never win.

sometimes, i look longingly at glasses of wine. i don't do that when i'm at home. or, i'll dream that i'm drinking wine.

that's when i know it's time to reach out, so here i am, reaching to you to help me re-ground myself AND stay nice and sober.

i don't usually make gratitude lists, but i thought this would be a nice time for one. (thanks Adventures in Wanting for your gratitude lists, which inspired me to write this one.)

FRIDAY GRATITUDE (friday on this west coast, 1 am saturday back home)

-i'm in a hotel room by myself writing and get ready to take a bath

- also, about to read Linda and her Twaddle and The Topiary Cow, both of which usually have me roaring out loud. and in between those laughs, there's all sorts of great topics.

-my fiance is adorable. he packs sweet notes and nice snacks into my suitcase when i'm not looking. he's learned to buy foods i like and to not push foods i don't. overall, he listens to what i say, thinks about it and shifts his behavior. i wonder if i do that much for him. i'm pretty single-minded.

-i may not really like my job, but i have one and lots of people don't

-i have four more good books still to read in my suitcase. how great is that?

-there are so many more books to read in the world. that makes me happy.

- i love my bestfriend, eve. even though she now lives far away from me, she really is as good as the very best sister could ever be.

- nieces, nephews and cousins. shout-out to all of them, even though only one is reading this blog (hi!!!!! i will call as soon as i'm in one place. miss you)

-tootsie roll lollipops on long plane rides

- i am going home. Yippee!

THERE, i feel better. thanks everyone. time for that bath


  1. Oh, I am so glad that you were able to dig a little and make a gratitude list. I find certain people in my family so stressful I cannot have any dialogue with them without having high anxiety.

    It must be hard to distance yourself emotionally from your brother and his wife. Especially when you find the way they interact really bad. I have an older sister who is obese and I find it hard to hold my tongue when she complains about her weight whilst eating handfuls of cheese followed by chocolate biscuits.

    My husband is like your fiance in that he has changed his behaviour to work in with me. Has it ever occured to you that you are actually worth changing for more than you probably know. When you love someone it is no effort. Once you get to the place that gives you peace you will find it easy to do the same.

    Hope your bath was nice and relaxing.

  2. What a great gratitude list (and thanks for the shout-out!). I can get so, so grumpy and mopey at times, which is why I started with the gratitude list. You do have some wonderful people and things in your life. Being on the road and being with family would be hard for ANYONE. I wouldn't downplay the difficulty of that, especially while you are trying to maintain sobriety and sanity and everything. Hang in there, and keep checking in with us :)

  3. That you can be feeling so miserable and still be able to make a gratitude list really speaks of your character. I'm so grateful that you're my friend. You inspire me.

    And it was a really, really cool list. I loved it.

  4. linda; i'm so glad to be home. and those hotel bath tubs have NOTHING on mine. mine is JUMBO and you can sink right down. ahhh.

    thank you for suggesting i'm worth changing behaviors for. it's hard for me to accept that. i just think of myself as difficult. i do work so hard on being easier and less
    demanding. i'll have to keep thinking about what you said.

    kim; it felt great to check in. when i'm traveling en famille, i start to think i'm the lunatic. writing to you guys really centered me. it reminded me that there are people who "get" me.

    your blog has helped me so much. i read and learn. your process has been thoroughly educating. watching you "do the work" and thinking and growing has been a privilege.

    karen; THANKS! you are a great friend. i've really leaned on you this last year-and-a-half. (i can't believe i've been blogging so long.)

    you're a true role model and inspiration. your life has been so tough, yet you're an outstanding woman, mom, and friend. we can all learn from your example

  5. Oh Dear! Topiary afraid that her last couple posts have not been too uplifting (Topiary very sorry and resolving to do better!)

    You make a very good point about gratitude lists and jobs, that no matter how bad your job is at least you do have one.

    Argh, relatives! It is very hard to be around them and not fall back into the same patterns of relating to them, and having them treat you in the old ways even if you are not the same "old" person, and in fact are a new person!

    Topiary wafts leafy Topiary good wishes towards Linda and hopes that her day is brightened by many sharply trimmed green shrubs.