i worried about my weight this morning - hadn't been on the scale since last Monday (you go, girl)AND had a big weekend of eating. but my period's over, and in my book, it's time to weigh in.
anxiety built all morning (i don't have a scale, so i wait until i get to my brother's around noon). oh, what if i've gained? why did i eat pizza and pretzels and chocolate, mindlessly? how should i eat today? could i settle for a higher weight, so i wouldn't have to worry so over pizza and pretzels and chocolate?
what a tizzy! all over the potential of small weight gain? hmmm.
so, i bounced on the scale and the number was around the same it is most mornings. but, lo and behold, i was still anxious. very anxious.
could it be that the problem wasn't my weight? what about the fact that i dread my job and find myself lazier and lazier at work. i goof off when i should be cold-calling,and i'm not setting up the appointments i need to. I HATE COLD-CALLING! my brother and his wife are going to notice!!!! ow, my head hurts. dizzy and nauseous. i hear my heart beating rapidly.
today, i made myself focus and get to work, but i was so anxious and nervous that i could barely speak when potential clients picked up their phones. i know i sounded nervous, but there wasn't much i could do. i just kept calling, and i'm proud of myself for that.
i dream about my job - i'm terrified that my brother will get his awful condescening tone and yell at me. ANXIOUS!
also, i'm planning to go back to school, but it's going to be expensive, and there aren't schools near me that offer what i want. if i want to fulfill a dream and change careers, it's likely i'll have a tremendously long commute or i'll have to move somewhere else. what about my fiance? he's in career transition too and isn't sure what he'll be doing. AHHHHHHH!
none of this is coming easily. sometimes, things fall into place, but i'm totally confused.
thru all this, i haven't thought about food,other to eat when i'm hungry. i have so much on my mind and none of it is my weight. how interesting.
unfortunately, obsessing about weight was actually easier than dealing with the real stuff. wow, i'm doing better. well, look at that.
Weight is much better to obsess over, real life is scary and uncomfortable. I think it will always be a big part of my consciousness, and I am coming to terms with that, and trying to learn to live with it. I think you're the only person who understood my last post, btw.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your careers, change is scary but often good.
Way to go, writing this all out and getting to the bottom of it. Real life is super scary; I find myself scared of it all the time! I'm sorry your job causes you so much anxiety and dread (I've been there), but I'm glad you're considering a career change. You have to find a way to be peaceful on a regular basis, and if a career change is necessary for that then so be it. Transitions, while necessary, are so messy and things feel totally out of control up until the moment they finally feel like they're in place. Try to trust that you're on this ride for a reason and things will work out. Keep writing!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, concentrating on something simple like food (simple! ha!) is nice and safe and comforting... real life is messy :(
ReplyDeleteI would be anxious too, cold calling is my idea of hell - in fact when I die I may well find myself in a tiny little box room with just a phone and a little man with a whip saying 'call another one! Try to sell loans!'
I hope it all calms down x
Yep food is something that you can control and use. But that's where the ED get's you, it's a lie. Like you said you were worried about all sort's of other things not about the weight. Keep off the scale they only bring pain!
ReplyDeleteI HATE WEIGHING MYSELF! But I cant seem to stop doing it.
ReplyDeleteyou're right, though. It is easier to worry about weight and food then to face the more difficult problems in life.
It does seem as though your generalized anxiety is manifested into your weight. I do admire how you write all of this down and it tends to open your eyes as to what is really going on. Then again, the trick is how to figure out how to stop it from manifesting. But I think you are doing so great... Better each day.
ReplyDeleteI could never cold call. I don't even like to call people I know! It sounds very stressful.
ReplyDeleteSounds like lots of insight, which is the first step forward. Good for you!
Oh, how familiar this sounds. Facing the stuff I don't like has been a big turning point for me. Not just with food issues but everything.
ReplyDeleteI just have to say, I could NEVER cold call. You are B-R-A-V-E. That would send me to the fridge.
I can completely relate to this as I do the same thing. It's so much more comfortable for me to busy myself with food and weight than deal with the real feelings behind all that. Recognizing that is huge - you should be proud.
ReplyDelete"obsessing about weight was actually easier than dealing with the real stuff."
ReplyDeleteOh dear. That is so painfully true. (Topiary quickly hiding real stuff behind several boxes of cookies).
Ha! Topiary had to laugh at your driving to get to a scale (she doesn't have one in the house either).
A cold-calling job and a boss who yells? Oh my god, can there be a worse hell than you are describing?
Topiary had a cold-calling job once and kept it for about 3 days. Unsuccessfully. There is nothing worse. Does the saying "salesmen are born, not made" seem to resonate?
Topiary worked once in a law firm (personal injury) where they employed salesmen to answer the phones and 'hook' the clients. And those guys could talk the shirt off your back.
Topiary thinking that moving would be a small price to pay for getting a different job with a better boss doing something completely different than cold calling!
As for fiance, since he isn't settled either, perhaps if you move he can settle there with a better job himself.
Topiary does know moving is very expensive, and getting a new job is stressful. Topiary thinking though, yelling boss and cold-calling, could life get any worse?
Just a humble opinion from the Land of Topiary, where nobody sells anything to anybody, voices are never raised and the only scale around is one to scrape tarter off teeth!
Moo!
I also don't like to weigh but sometimes I have to do it to check my weight. I am dieting right now and hopefully reach my goal.
ReplyDeleteWeight is always the easiest thing to focus on. You can get mad at the scale, and that's easier than anything else.
ReplyDeleteJJB; i planning to go back to school if i can afford it. that might require a move. it is stressful, but i'm doing what i need to do to move forward. i do find myself getting all stuck on my weight and my intake, but at least now i know what's going on and i get choose the direction of my brain.
ReplyDeletei like reading your blog, because your process is different than mine. you seem healthy in your eating and you seem to take some joy in your body. it's not easy. and it's not fast, and you're doing so well -- at least that's how it seems to me.
how's it going with the smoking? my better half really, really, really wants me to stop.
now.is.now; thank you. you're very wise. transitions are yuck, but they are for good reason. i know i'm on the right path, but i am a slacker, and you usual take the path of least resistance. that road, however, brings lesser results and rewards. it IS time for a change. keep writing, yourself. you do it so well!
abi; that would be hell!!! i'm a terrible, terrified cold caller. mostly, i pray to get voice mail. luckily, we're going to several conventions, where you meet people in person. some of these people are actually interested in our business and ask me to call. i'm pretty good with calls and meetings, once i have a real name and number or email. so, this time of year gets a little easier.
Eating Alone: i do need to stay off the scale. it still wields way (weigh) too much power. it feel like a nearly impossible habit to break, but that pisses me off. evidently, not enough. i'll be traveling scale-free for most of the next month. let's see what happens.
ReplyDeletehow are you with the scale? i know you'd stayed off for a while.
lisalisa; i don't understand why our EDs lead us to so many things we surely hate -- starving until we can't function, purging until we're grossed out (i'm just speaking for myself here. hope i wasn't too graphic) and weighing and weighing and weighing and weighing ourselves. i don't do other things i hate -- i'll never go camping, watch boxing, use air conditioning, scratch my nails on a chalkboard. why do i weigh myself daily? you?
hi karen: thanks. i am doing so much better in so many areas. it's just a little astounding how many more things there are to work on! i am an anxious person. i do tend to cover things up and deny them. that makes me more scared. i have some stuff to really look at (my spending for starters! you seem like you're really good at living within your means. i admire that.) look at the "real" stuff is really hard for me. hmmm, do i hear the scale calling? sometimes, i almost think i do. but counting calories won't find my soul's work, won't help me come to terms with my mother's death, won't pay the rent.
harriet; employers always think i'd do great phone sales, because i'm very social and outgoing. and i could spend all day on the phone with my friends. BUT, BUT, BUT i truly and passionately hate to bother people. and i HATE rejection. i started in sales a long time ago in an industry that was booming. it was easier than simple to make sales, because there was huge demand for the product. i got pigeonholed in sales and have heartily disliked it ever since. as scared as i am to go back to school and start over, it's a lot better than the alternative!
ReplyDeleteLinda; i love that -- "brave". i NEVER think of myself as brave. perhaps i will print that out and put right on my fridge. when i'm heading toward my second bowl of ice cream, i'll see your comment, pat myself on the back and find a happier use of my time. THANK YOU!
Suzie Q; recognizing the process is really good. now, when i realize that my brain is consumed with food, fat and skinny jeans, i do stop and go deeper. it's not always pleasure, and i'm not sure how to get the real answer, but i am doing some work. and that's good. thank you for coming by my blog
Topiary Cow; my fiance just asked why i was laughing. of course, i was reading your comment. (i believe he burped and thought i found that adorably humorous. men.)
i started phone soliciting when i was 14, when i was too young to get other jobs. i sold meat to homemakers. i asked them about their "meat" needs. my job was to get a salesman into their homes to talk them into about buying huge quantities of beef for the month. (oh, sorry Cow. don't worry, i sucked at the job. i don't believe i got booked one appointment.)
i do think i'd like to move, but i fear it just sounds nice in theory. i've always hated new jersey and vowed i'd never live here again. but here i am. maybe i don't hate new jersey? (please don't tell anyone i said that!)
Primary Work at Home: when it comes to weight and watching it, i don't really know how to do that healthfully. i have friends who've lost weight through weight watchers and many of them have picked up much healthier eating habits, feel really good and get on with life. i have to read more of your blog to see how that works for you. i look forward to learning more about your experience. thank you for reading about mine.
ReplyDeletePTC; yes, how many, many, many scales have Ithrown out with rage? if i had a nickle for every scale i've tossed. and every scale i've then gone out and purchased.
i wish we could buy coping skills instead of digital scales at Walmart. why is it so many of us don't have better coping skills? did our ancestors ever know to deal healthfully? did Neandrathal Man reach for a snack when he got hurt?
you definetely got me think. thanks!!!!