i worried about my weight this morning - hadn't been on the scale since last Monday (you go, girl)AND had a big weekend of eating. but my period's over, and in my book, it's time to weigh in.
anxiety built all morning (i don't have a scale, so i wait until i get to my brother's around noon). oh, what if i've gained? why did i eat pizza and pretzels and chocolate, mindlessly? how should i eat today? could i settle for a higher weight, so i wouldn't have to worry so over pizza and pretzels and chocolate?
what a tizzy! all over the potential of small weight gain? hmmm.
so, i bounced on the scale and the number was around the same it is most mornings. but, lo and behold, i was still anxious. very anxious.
could it be that the problem wasn't my weight? what about the fact that i dread my job and find myself lazier and lazier at work. i goof off when i should be cold-calling,and i'm not setting up the appointments i need to. I HATE COLD-CALLING! my brother and his wife are going to notice!!!! ow, my head hurts. dizzy and nauseous. i hear my heart beating rapidly.
today, i made myself focus and get to work, but i was so anxious and nervous that i could barely speak when potential clients picked up their phones. i know i sounded nervous, but there wasn't much i could do. i just kept calling, and i'm proud of myself for that.
i dream about my job - i'm terrified that my brother will get his awful condescening tone and yell at me. ANXIOUS!
also, i'm planning to go back to school, but it's going to be expensive, and there aren't schools near me that offer what i want. if i want to fulfill a dream and change careers, it's likely i'll have a tremendously long commute or i'll have to move somewhere else. what about my fiance? he's in career transition too and isn't sure what he'll be doing. AHHHHHHH!
none of this is coming easily. sometimes, things fall into place, but i'm totally confused.
thru all this, i haven't thought about food,other to eat when i'm hungry. i have so much on my mind and none of it is my weight. how interesting.
unfortunately, obsessing about weight was actually easier than dealing with the real stuff. wow, i'm doing better. well, look at that.