peace on the road

tomorrow starts six more days of traveling. i need to handle this trip better than the last ones.

last week, i drank too much, gave into to wild PMS and raged at my brother a couple of times.

throughout the trip, i regressed and became the ten-year old i used to be -- a miserable girl with a terrible temper. as a kid, temper tantrums were my MO. i've worked very hard and very long to be a much different, much easier, much kinder adult. somehow, all the traveling sent me down a furious memory lane.

this trip, there's the added issue of my bossy sister-in-law. no matter how hard i try, we don't quite get along. she's argumentative and always tells me what to do and, of course, believes she's always right.

here's one ironic example. when we go to a restaurant, she tells me what on the menu i will like. she's always wrong, which is odd, because, of course, she's always right. (who would ever think they'd know what an extremely disordered eater would want?!!!)

how will i handle all of this better? to begin, i'm going to stop drinking. again.

a little sidebar. no one seems to understand why i keep slipping back to drinking. everyone thinks it's just awful. it doesn't bother me that much. i appreciate the clean time, knowing my body is mending. when i'm drinking, i know i drink too much and too often, but it's where i'm at at the time.

not drinking should help me. i won't have to worry about saying anything i deeply regret, which i've been doing lately after a few chardonnays. i can focus really hard on me and my sobriety -- giving me a goal and a purpose. i'll feel better about myself, physically and emotionally.

focussing on sobriety for my health, i usually eat better. i've been feeling like a human trash can -- all this eating and drinking with abandon -- ie, potato chips, pretzels and pinot grigio for dinner.

eating in my room. we'll be at a convention, where i'll be surrounded by free food all day. i know i'll eat more than i'd usually like BUT i won't go to any big, huge dinners with my family. i can order a nice tunafish sandwich in the room, take a bath, talk on the phone, watch Dancing with the Stars.

another perk of eating in my room. i won't be out at a gorgeous restaurant where every single person is sipping cabernet. much easier to stay sober in the bathtub than at the Four Seasons.

and i can go to bed earlier sleep deprivation was a huge issue last trip. if i'm not out at one of the five course eating fest, i can be snoozing on the many pillows most hotels supply.

i've also got a working laptop, so i can stay in touch and have people to "talk" to when i'm struggling. i have six books and my journal.

And i'm going to breathe and see what happens. breathe BEFORE i react.

i'll keep you all in the loop. i want to keep my head straight, my body healthy and my heart comforted.