"Fear keeps me doing what I shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing what I should."
That's what my sponsor tells me, and it's true. Fear has kept me from doing many things -- pursuing any real career, taking better care of myself and well, developing a full and fulfilling life.
Here I find myself at 48 so unsure of myself and my abilities that I stay stagnant. I haven't courageously grown the necessary skills to do much of anything in the real world.
I just took a little hostessing job at a local restaurant for a couple of reasons -- I need to get out and it seems social, it's close to home and the people seem nice. BUT as easy as it is (i had my first night last night), i am scared that i'm not capable of ably seating people in a smallish restaurant.
AND i went after this particular job, because i'm convinced i have NO other skills. Vaguely pathetic, huh? Still, i'm doing something which is better than nothing
I kept my life tiny for, well, all my life. For the first 40 years, all efforts went toward food -- bingeing, puking and starving. Then, i blotted life out through drugs and alcohol.
Those "coping" methods are gone and now i have to face the life I never developed.
I read a lot of autobiographies about people who found their passions and achieved in ways, big and small. i always thought i'd be one of those people who found what i loved and built around it
i consider myself to have a creative temperament; however, i don't have creative talent which is, evidentally, a bit of a problem.
I've always been a dreamer, but not much of a worker.
All I can do now is be brave and hardworking for as my sponsor says, "fear keeps me doing what I shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing what i should."