Monday, October 15, 2012
I’m not sure what happened, but I’m feeling just so alone. And lonely.
I’m someone who exquisitely enjoys spending time by myself – reading books, browsing bookstores, readingin the bath tub, reading newspapers (see a pattern?) I CHERISH this time and never feel complete if I don’t have enough space to myself.
But lately, I find I’m spending big chunks of time on my own and feeling sad. I live in New Jersey - my best friends live in Manhattan and Queens and my family’s in Pittsburgh. Everyone seems married or paired off or busy with kids.
I signed up for a class, but it was canceled. I know I need to get out and be around people. Sometimes, I go to bars and hang-out because that’s what I used to do. But now I’m 48 and by myself, and it just seems sorta – pathetic.
I’m looking for a part-time job and therein lies another problem – money’s an issue and with too much time on my hands and by myself, I worry, worry, worry.
It’s not that I’m truly miserable or in a terrible space. Mostly, there’s confusion. I used to have friends and make them easily. I haven’t changed – I’m still friendly and love to laugh.
This all sounds gloomy, and it’s not all that bad. I see where I’m so lucky – to have a job and best friends, even if they live a bit away. I’m no longer anorexic and bulimic, nor do I drink or do drugs.
Now, I need to learn how to fly