The Ed Cycle

Sometimes i feel like I live my life in the belly of this beast. i'm going along dandily, and then something comes up and drags me into ED territory. it's just a brief visit these days, but old thoughts can still creep in. I see this on other blogs too -- we're doing well, eating our meals and snacks, dodging the laxative aisle, ignoring the scale and then, seemingly suddenly, we're not. it's important to remember, tho, that we've had the good days, we've done "this", we know how to do it, and we'll do it again. Yet, our ED habits are pretty deeply ingrained and in many ways, even worshipped, and so it's normal that they will slip back in at times.

yesterday, i ate a very large lunch -- WAY more than usual and a lot more than my hunger required. i was tired and bored and, so, began eating mindlessly. i found myself barely chewing and hardly tasting, like in the binge days of yore.

happily, these are new days and i stopped after simply eating a very big lunch - not unlike what normal people do occasionally.

still, it's not easy. my mind starts up,

"Melissa, what was that? Keep that up and not one piece of clothing will fit by tonight."

"Piggy, now you're not entitled to eat again until tomorrow night."

"what's wrong with you? why aren't you perfect?"

"hmmm, laxatives would help this situation you've gotten yourself into"


I'm astonished that these voices can still fill my brain after all the work i've done. The good news - I DIDN'T LISTEN. instead, i spent the rest of the day gently calming and encouraging myself and telling myself to GET ON WITH LIFE.

And that's the point, isn't it -- GETTING ON WITH LIVING. Our eating disorders seem to stop the process. We're all involved in calories and weight and BMIs and food and.....

In the old days, there were plenty of ways i would have dealt with my big lunch. i would have continued eating to a full fledged, giant binge; then thrown up and started binging again; and taking laxatives, followed by locking myself in my house until i'd purged and starved myself down to a weight i considered acceptable in order to walk out the front door and into the world.

Yesterday, i put down my fork, got back to work and finished the day. after work i ran home, took a fast shower and drove to pick up an elderly friend who goes to the same AA meeting as i do. i was able to enjoy the meeting without obsessing about lunch and weight and then drove my friend to his house and me to mine.

i got on with life and lived it exactly as i would have any other day.

Sometimes, i still find myself in the Belly of that Beast, but now i move on.