Sexy

I’ve gained 7 pounds and I feel….sexy? is that possible? Could I actually feel more attractive with seven MORE pounds?

Yes, I was really comfortable seven pounds ago –lean & healthy– I could slither into my favorite jeans even after they’d been tossing in the dryer for way too long. I thought I looked great.

But here I am, 7 pounds heavier and feeling fine. And just a little hot.

If you’re anything like me, you rarely feel sexy. Somehow, weight-watching took away my zesty gene. There wasn’t much room (no room) for hips, thighs or boobs.

Now, look at me. I’m looking kind of round. My bra’s a bit too tight. There’s a little belly pooching out against my pants (I didn’t wear jeans – they’re not that comfortable today!)

So, I’m bopping around work. Look at me! Don’t I look like a real woman?! Woo hoo.

This is wild AND wildly wonderful. I feel grrrrreat.

And I’m not restricting or thinking of restricting. In fact, I’m letting myself be. That feels grrrreat too.

I have been weighing myself (obviously, as I know I’ve gained 7 pounds), but what if I stop? Does it really matter what I weigh? Uhm, there’s an interesting question…

The fact is, the chances are, I’m not going to gain the zillion pounds I’ve always feared. I eat healthfully and moderately with little treats.

Wow, I almost sound like a normal person. Uhm, did I say that?

Going Natural

I’ve posted before about my seriously low self-esteem when it comes to my looks. Way too much time and money (and I mean WAY TOO MUCH) has gone to cover and disguise my natural appearance.

With all the positive changes in me and my life, I’ve begun to lose interest. Does anyone care if my fingers and toes aren’t professionally manicured?

I used to wear so much make-up; I truly believed I looked UNACCEPTABLE if I wasn’t FULLY made-up at all times. I was embarrassed in front of my boyfriend in the morning. Last March, I went to Macy’s and spent $785 on cosmetics. And you have to know I had tons of make-up at home. Yes, that’s right - $785

Now, I slap on eyeliner and lipgloss, during the week. They both wear off by noon, BUT I DON’T CARE. I think it’s fine. I don’t cringe deeply when I look in the mirror. Wow.

I got Lasix eye surgery a year ago, and it’s thrilling to see, but really –I thought I was hideous with glasses. I recently saw picture of me with glasses and you know what – NOT HIDEOUS.

My biggest stumbling block was always my huge frizzy, brillo-pad hair. I straighten it professionally and have it dyed blonde pretty frequently.

Suddenly, it doesn’t look like me to me. I’ve been pouring through old pictures of my mousy brown mop-top and………..well, that's me.

This transformation of thinking amazes and thrills me. It’s brilliant to put my time and efforts into other things (anything!) but my appearance. And to I think that I look okay….well that’s priceless.

Saturday, I’m heading off to the hairdresser and going back to brown. Back to basics. Back to me.

Bored/Anxious/Depressed

Work is really, really slow, and I work on commission. I’ve been cold calling and calling and calling, but nobody’s hiring. My boss is NOT happy. And I hate cold-calling.

If I’m not cold-calling, I’m working hard to look busy, but I am truly running out of ideas.

Right now, it’s making me anxious and depressed. I have that bleary-eyed, foggy thinking, brain befuddled thing going on. I’m getting a little sweaty. And there’s two more hours to go. AND this is the time of day where it gets even slower.

I don’t mind the job at all if work is consistent or busy, but that’s just not happening lately. Every day stretches before me. I sit next to my supervisor who wiggles if I’m not on the phone, making or taking calls.

I’m a little worried about my job – if I’m not taking ads, I’m pretty superfluous.

I daydream about going back to school but am not sure how, exactly, to afford this. Do I want to take loans at my age and end up in big debt? I just got my credit back and don’t owe any money at the moment. AAAARGH.

I don’t know what to do about work. I’ve only been here four months. I’d really like to be able to stay here and support myself. I don’t want a different job at the moment. All I’m qualified for is more of the same. As I said, I don’t mind this job if I have enough work to do.

What do other people do when they’re bored, anxious and depressed at work? Anybody hiring?!

How I looked

Yesterday, I pulled out some old pictures and found a photo from my brother’s first wedding, when I was fifteen – 31 years ago.

For the last 31 years, I’ve told anyone who’d listen that I was a hideous child – very, very heavy, frizzy hair, braces, glasses and acne. Recently, I’ve been wondering if that was really true. Was I truly ugly or was that just ingrained thinking?

Well, according to this wedding photo, I was a perfectly normal-looking kid. Yes, I was heavier than I am now. Yes, the braces were already off at this point and my sister had tamed my hair for the photo, and I’d taken my glasses off but still – I looked like a normal teenaged girl.

If you read my post about my niece’s weight, my sister was appalled that my niece at 5’4, weighed nearly 150 pounds. I think that’s just fine. My niece is healthy and very active with lots of energy and lots of great friends.

At 15, I was probably 5’5 and 150 pounds. I thought I was heinous and crashed dieted and binged and starved and took diuretics and shortly after, found laxatives. My mother dragged me from Weight Watchers to diet doctors (pep pills!) to NutraSystem. We tried the Beverly Hills diet, Atkins, Scarsdale, just for starters.

I gained an additional 40 pounds, all from misery.

What if I’d been raised to believe that I was fine at 5’5 and 150? What if I’d never known Weight Watchers or multi-colored pills or fruit fasts?

I wonder.

Jane Fonda's Weight

Academy Award winner Jane Fonda has a new exercise video coming out.

Ms Fonda has a history of anorexia and bulimia but says she's absolutely healthy now. I hope that's true. i've always kind of felt sorry for her. She never seemed very happy or comfortable with life or her body. Her husbands cheated on her, she got breast implants and now she says she's had more work done.

Still, she says she's happy and healthy -- that's according to an interview I just read in People magazine

Here's what worried me. Ms. Fonda says she now maintains 121 lbs on her 5'8 body. That, in itself, sounds awfully thin. Then i wondered, knowing that she's 121, not 120 or 125 or about 120ish, suggests that she's really watching that scale. From there, i wonder if she's 121 on every scale, her scale, her doctor's scale...

Something about Jane fonda always makes me sad. This was no different

About my Niece's Weight

Just a warning. i talk about height and weight in this post.

My sister was telling me that my niece's weight is really an issue. Jessica, now 15, stands 5'4 and, my sister stage-whispered with horror, "must weigh 150.

My naturally skinny sister talked on and on about the tips she wants to give Jessica. (I'm sorry, but naturally skinny people don't get to give diet tips! i don't believe in diet tips, of course, but they're even worse coming from someone who's never dieted in her life)

of course, i worried about this all day. here's the letter i wrote my sister last night.

if it's possible, can you forget about the weight? i know it makes her unhappy, but if you can, don't add to that unhappiness. she'll find her way.

i thought i was the ugliest thing on earth because the family so valued slimness. i work with two zaftig women who think they're gorgeous. and they are. all the men chase them. and these women are 5'4 and about 170. i know, because they tell me. they're adorable.

if you can't live comfortably with her at 5'4 and 150, really think about that. she's healthy. she's wonderful. does it really matter how she looks? does she really look "bad"? does it matter to you?

we're a weird society. leave her alone and give some thought to why she feels the need to eat so much. is it anxiety? or...?

i would definetely not give suggestions based on how you do it.

what would happen if when she complained, you said, "jessuca, you're beautiful and you're healthy. if you're unhappy, let me know what i can do to help. but as long as you're healthy, you're weight isn't particularly important."

what IS important about jessica?

if this feels really hard, think about it. i was sure that you and mom loved me less because of my weight. i loathed myself. i wouldn't take that risk with jessica.

if this feels really hard, think about it.

just my opinion, but i feel pretty confident here. help jessica feel glorious at every weight. please

Forgiveness

I forgave my mother on Sunday.

I realized she was broken too, and I forgave her. Yes, in many ways, she wasn’t the mother I might have wanted, but by holding on to ever single thing she ever did and said, I made it all worse. As I re-lived each “wrong” over and over and over and over, I experienced each miserable experience over and over.

In a way, I loved my resentments. They were what I knew, they kept me righteous and they gave me purpose. Poor me, what an awful childhood – I need a drink. Poor me - let me pop a pill to space out the world

But the drink, the pills, the binging, the purging, the starving -- they made me miserable and took away my chance to move forward and to be free.

My mother had a difficult life, my mother was broken too - i forgive her.

My mother was a beautiful pianist. Her parents wanted her to be a secretary, but my mother paid her way through Juilliard by teaching piano lessons. At 16, she moved to New York and supported herself living on the Upper West Side. Mom was so smart and charismatic and engaged in life. When my mother got her Parkinson's diagnose, she went to Thailand and rode a camel.

I look like my mother and smile when people tell me that.

For most of my life, I forgot all these lovely things and only remembered all the negative and lived the hurts over and over and over.

I forgive her as so many have forgiven me.

I loved my mother.

Do try this exercise at home.