i know i've been complaining all over the blogosphere that i have the flu. it stinks. and until i finally bathed today, well nevermind, TMI
i'm torn about going to work tomorrow. i do feel better and don't seem to have a fever anymore, but i was sick for a number of days and could probably use one more day laying low. oh yeah, the hacking cough isn't pleasant either. still, it's a new job and i don't want to keep calling in sick. i really, really, really hope i feel better tomorrow. much better.
i haven't been out of the house since friday. it's pretty isolating. i haven't been to an AA meeting since last Wednesday and missed seeing my sponsor this weekend.
i WILL feel better and everything will be fine. it's just hard to remember when i'm feeling crummy and blue.
thanks for listening. i WILL feel better. can't wait
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Turkey and Whine
Today at work everyone talked about recipes and grocery shopping. Tomorrow, everyone will feast on all the trimmings. Friday, they'll come in to work complaining about how much they ate.
They'll also bring in many of their leftovers, hoping to give away calories. What if everyone gives their leftovers away ? Do we just keep passing around leftovers?
I don't really get the whole food thing anymore. What's so exciting? it's not that i want to binge or starve -- i just can't get that worked up about cranberry sauce and giblet gravy.
do i sound grumpy? i'm not. i think. maybe i'm just lazy. all the running around in traffic and packed supermarkets. all that cooking. all that eating and eating and then complaining about aforementioned eating.
and yes, (i am very lazy) all that clean up. Thanksgiving can seem like one endless chore.
on a day off, i'd rather sleep and read and take a bath and catch up with friends and then maybe meet buddies for a nice meal, without clumpy gravy.
harrumph. wait until Christmas -- I am Susie Scrooge. don't get me started on leftover Christmas cookies.
On another note, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!
They'll also bring in many of their leftovers, hoping to give away calories. What if everyone gives their leftovers away ? Do we just keep passing around leftovers?
I don't really get the whole food thing anymore. What's so exciting? it's not that i want to binge or starve -- i just can't get that worked up about cranberry sauce and giblet gravy.
do i sound grumpy? i'm not. i think. maybe i'm just lazy. all the running around in traffic and packed supermarkets. all that cooking. all that eating and eating and then complaining about aforementioned eating.
and yes, (i am very lazy) all that clean up. Thanksgiving can seem like one endless chore.
on a day off, i'd rather sleep and read and take a bath and catch up with friends and then maybe meet buddies for a nice meal, without clumpy gravy.
harrumph. wait until Christmas -- I am Susie Scrooge. don't get me started on leftover Christmas cookies.
On another note, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Have you "let yourself go"?
Has anyone else noticed that when someone says, "she's really let herself go"?", it usually means "she's gained weight?
on my way home from AA, i sometimes listen to a Talk Radio show about relationships. they seem to talk about a woman's weight an awful lot. for example, the topic might be - why does a man cheat? one of the reason's that always comes up - his wife has "let herself go", meaning she's put on some pounds since the wedding.
when i hear "letting herself go", i picture a frazzled woman in her pajamas with hair on end and in deep need of a shower. but, for someone reason, she's thin. but that's me.
why does weight gain equal not taking care of yourself or not making a good appearance? and why on earth could it be considered grounds for infidelity?
on my way home from AA, i sometimes listen to a Talk Radio show about relationships. they seem to talk about a woman's weight an awful lot. for example, the topic might be - why does a man cheat? one of the reason's that always comes up - his wife has "let herself go", meaning she's put on some pounds since the wedding.
when i hear "letting herself go", i picture a frazzled woman in her pajamas with hair on end and in deep need of a shower. but, for someone reason, she's thin. but that's me.
why does weight gain equal not taking care of yourself or not making a good appearance? and why on earth could it be considered grounds for infidelity?
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Changing therapists?
My therapist suggested i find a therapist closer to home. She's in NYC, and i'm way out in new jersey. my commute is two hours each way and with my new work schedule, it's nearly impossible for us to find time to meet.
This is a hard one. She's great and caring and very smart and kind. She was my counselor in IOP when I gave up drugs and she's worked tirelessly on me and with me to end my drinking.
Kay knows all my history and everything that pains me. Can i start all over with someone new? Like many people, i've had some less than stellar therapists along the way. My psyche is fragile, and it's hard for to me trust and work with a lot of people.
Yet, it's true -- our schedules don't work. As much as I wish it were different, it's not. I've never much lived in reality -- instead wanting what i want, regardless of what is realistic. Through therapy and AA, i'm learning we must make choices, even if we don't love what we're picking from.
i never had much of a family and intensely dislike this time of year, when everyone seems so delighted to be with theirs. of course, holiday meals are difficult and stressful -- not so much with food these days, but the alcohol...
Kay is like the family remember i never had. she's wise and consistent and caring and solid. when in doubt i wonder, what would kay do? i certainly would never ask myself, what would my mother or father or brother have done?
it's a tough time, as things from my past, particularly with my mother, are coming up for me through my AA work and therapy. not fun, but it needs to be done. i'm learning that we have to go thru things to get to the other side. my old habit was burying, burying, burying and then using food and drugs and alcohol to shove it down and ignore it. but it doesn't melt away without work.
i begin to believe i CAN do the work. i'm not giving up. but i can't say i look forward to it.
as i've been a little blue lately, this seems a great time for a gratitude list. here goes;
I'M clean and sober and don't binge, purge or starve. HALLELUJAH.
I'M hanging in with the job and learning to deal with the hurdles and not giving up
DANCING with the stars is on tomorrow, and i'm going to vote my heart out. It's our right and for that i am very grateful
when in doubt, be thankful. may we all have much to be grateful for!
This is a hard one. She's great and caring and very smart and kind. She was my counselor in IOP when I gave up drugs and she's worked tirelessly on me and with me to end my drinking.
Kay knows all my history and everything that pains me. Can i start all over with someone new? Like many people, i've had some less than stellar therapists along the way. My psyche is fragile, and it's hard for to me trust and work with a lot of people.
Yet, it's true -- our schedules don't work. As much as I wish it were different, it's not. I've never much lived in reality -- instead wanting what i want, regardless of what is realistic. Through therapy and AA, i'm learning we must make choices, even if we don't love what we're picking from.
i never had much of a family and intensely dislike this time of year, when everyone seems so delighted to be with theirs. of course, holiday meals are difficult and stressful -- not so much with food these days, but the alcohol...
Kay is like the family remember i never had. she's wise and consistent and caring and solid. when in doubt i wonder, what would kay do? i certainly would never ask myself, what would my mother or father or brother have done?
it's a tough time, as things from my past, particularly with my mother, are coming up for me through my AA work and therapy. not fun, but it needs to be done. i'm learning that we have to go thru things to get to the other side. my old habit was burying, burying, burying and then using food and drugs and alcohol to shove it down and ignore it. but it doesn't melt away without work.
i begin to believe i CAN do the work. i'm not giving up. but i can't say i look forward to it.
as i've been a little blue lately, this seems a great time for a gratitude list. here goes;
I'M clean and sober and don't binge, purge or starve. HALLELUJAH.
I'M hanging in with the job and learning to deal with the hurdles and not giving up
DANCING with the stars is on tomorrow, and i'm going to vote my heart out. It's our right and for that i am very grateful
when in doubt, be thankful. may we all have much to be grateful for!
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Portia de Rossi's book
i just finished Portia de Rossi's, Unbearable Lightness. It stays with me.
The book is well-written (a big plus)and interesting. Her description of her life with her eating disorder is clear and very recognizable. In her telling, de Rossi never judges her actions, she just tells them and the reader gets the message through the description.
The story can be triggering, and in some hands, it might almost seem like a how-to. i also found it a painful story, and I'd put the book down feeling sad.
What helped me was watching what her life became once ED entered the picture. De Rossi was 100% devoted to weight loss, no matter the cost to anything else. At the height of her fame, she sat in her home, eating butter spray and running on the treadmill to burn off the calories of sugar free gum. Nothing, nothing else mattered. Her story pounded home the waste of years, the self absorption and the pain brought to self and others in the quest for.........what?
De Rossi gives a thorough description of her life with Anorexia and Bulimia. We watch them build and speed out of control as the 5'8 actress fairly quickly starves herself down to 82 lbs. just as quickly, she gains the weight back and more until she's 168.
oh, do i know about huge weight fluctuations and the excruciating physical and emotional pain they cause. i was right there with de Rossi every step of the way.
Then she lost me. in a few short pages,she has figured it all out (eat when your hungry, stop when you're full) and is easily maintaining the 130 her body always wanted to be anyway. ta da.
after hundreds of pages of detailed sickness, she's cured, in love and happy. oh.
as i said, it's an interesting read and, of course, a very important topic. i would highly recommend it for parents or anyone wanting to learn more about eating disorders.
has anyone else read it? i'd be interested in other views.
The book is well-written (a big plus)and interesting. Her description of her life with her eating disorder is clear and very recognizable. In her telling, de Rossi never judges her actions, she just tells them and the reader gets the message through the description.
The story can be triggering, and in some hands, it might almost seem like a how-to. i also found it a painful story, and I'd put the book down feeling sad.
What helped me was watching what her life became once ED entered the picture. De Rossi was 100% devoted to weight loss, no matter the cost to anything else. At the height of her fame, she sat in her home, eating butter spray and running on the treadmill to burn off the calories of sugar free gum. Nothing, nothing else mattered. Her story pounded home the waste of years, the self absorption and the pain brought to self and others in the quest for.........what?
De Rossi gives a thorough description of her life with Anorexia and Bulimia. We watch them build and speed out of control as the 5'8 actress fairly quickly starves herself down to 82 lbs. just as quickly, she gains the weight back and more until she's 168.
oh, do i know about huge weight fluctuations and the excruciating physical and emotional pain they cause. i was right there with de Rossi every step of the way.
Then she lost me. in a few short pages,she has figured it all out (eat when your hungry, stop when you're full) and is easily maintaining the 130 her body always wanted to be anyway. ta da.
after hundreds of pages of detailed sickness, she's cured, in love and happy. oh.
as i said, it's an interesting read and, of course, a very important topic. i would highly recommend it for parents or anyone wanting to learn more about eating disorders.
has anyone else read it? i'd be interested in other views.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
No Weigh In - Day Three
yes, it's the evening of day three, and i haven't gotten on the scale. i'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, as i am feeling antsy about it. still, it's one more day and then one more day and then one more day. but i'll probably give in at some point.
the last blog was a good one for me to write, and the responses really helped me. i realize how much i rely on a few numbers of a scale, and i start to see how meaningless they are. that's a lot for me to say. well, i can see they're meaningless, but i don't think i've taken it in.
i knew i gave those numbers super-powers in the past, but i'm finding i still do, way more than i thought.
something very important to think about and take way, way in.
thanks to everyone. you're all helping so much.
the last blog was a good one for me to write, and the responses really helped me. i realize how much i rely on a few numbers of a scale, and i start to see how meaningless they are. that's a lot for me to say. well, i can see they're meaningless, but i don't think i've taken it in.
i knew i gave those numbers super-powers in the past, but i'm finding i still do, way more than i thought.
something very important to think about and take way, way in.
thanks to everyone. you're all helping so much.
Monday, November 8, 2010
i didn't weigh myself this morning!
i didn't weigh myself this morning. that's a first in a very, very long time. this is progress!
i don't know why this morning was different than any other, but i love it.
every morning but this one, i wake and wonder what that metal goon is going to tell me when i jump on it. then i pee, twice if i think it will help, force myself to brush my teeth (i'm like a kid who can't wait to open presents) and off i go to the closet where i "hide" the scale. as we all know, the number sets the tone of the entire day.
not today. i decided not to get on and then went about my morning routine. the sky didn't fall, my pants fit, i had the same ride to work and my colleagues greeted me hello. everything is just like it is every other day of the year, even though i didn't weigh myself.
that's a lot of cool information. i wish i knew why i didn't care this morning. it wasn't even difficult. do i actually believe i'm more than the sum of my pounds? whoa. i really do have much bigger fish to fry and perhaps, i'll even eat fried food.
i don't know why this morning was different than any other, but i love it.
every morning but this one, i wake and wonder what that metal goon is going to tell me when i jump on it. then i pee, twice if i think it will help, force myself to brush my teeth (i'm like a kid who can't wait to open presents) and off i go to the closet where i "hide" the scale. as we all know, the number sets the tone of the entire day.
not today. i decided not to get on and then went about my morning routine. the sky didn't fall, my pants fit, i had the same ride to work and my colleagues greeted me hello. everything is just like it is every other day of the year, even though i didn't weigh myself.
that's a lot of cool information. i wish i knew why i didn't care this morning. it wasn't even difficult. do i actually believe i'm more than the sum of my pounds? whoa. i really do have much bigger fish to fry and perhaps, i'll even eat fried food.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Surrender
I've written about this topic recently, still it's continually on my mind. With my substance addictions, surrender is simple. i admit that i'm powerless over drugs and alcohol and i cannot manage my life. i can not control my life. instead, i turn my life over and do what i am told by others who know better. go to lots meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps with my sponsor, read the (AA) Big Book and good things will happen.
in my seven short weeks in sobriety and attending AA, things have gotten better -- amazingly better. i have seen real, serious change in myself and have moments of clarity and happiness i didn't know before.
i can't really tell you how this happened, but there's been more growth in the last seven weeks than in.... i really can't tell you -- a long, long time.
okay, then i think of my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. can we surrender? it seems so much more difficult. To me, eating disorders seem so much about control == control of our food, our bodies, in fact, our very lives.
besides, how can we surrender when we also must eat. i've gone to OA only a few times because it didn't make much sense to me -- how can we abstain -- from certain foods and certain behaviors. we have to live. and people, places and things -- do we stay away from anyone who eats? i probably need to find out more about OA before making judgments or any comments at all.
More, i have a major issue with people telling me what and how to eat. any stranger off the street can tell me to stop drinking forever, and i'm nodding along. but if a doctor suggests that it's best for me to eat breakfast, "TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M NOT COMING HERE ANYMORE. YOU DON'T KNOW MY BODY. I'M NOT HUNGRY IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING I EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. ISN'T THE POINT OF THIS TO LEARN TO EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN I'M FULL? WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING ME WITH THIS CRUEL AND DISGUSTING CALL FOR BREAKFAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU, MRS. NUTRITIONIST, WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. MY BODY IS DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S METABOLISM ACTUALLY WORKS."
Okay, so i don't quite say this to people, but i do think it. after all these years of recovery. i confess i think i do know best. yikes! that's terrifying information.
by the way, my eating's okay. i do eat some kind of snack in the morning and lunch and dinner and treats. i maintain a healthy weight -- in the realm of those weight charts.
but my thinkingis still screwy. i started working on my ED at 17, years into my issues. nearly 30 years later, i still have the inner voice that tells me i know best. with drugs and alcohol, there's a much shorter period of issues, but i'm so clear that i can not drink and i absolutely do not know best.
why is this one so much harder? what can be done to help us allow others (and God, if we so believe) to help us? how do i/we let go of control?
in my seven short weeks in sobriety and attending AA, things have gotten better -- amazingly better. i have seen real, serious change in myself and have moments of clarity and happiness i didn't know before.
i can't really tell you how this happened, but there's been more growth in the last seven weeks than in.... i really can't tell you -- a long, long time.
okay, then i think of my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. can we surrender? it seems so much more difficult. To me, eating disorders seem so much about control == control of our food, our bodies, in fact, our very lives.
besides, how can we surrender when we also must eat. i've gone to OA only a few times because it didn't make much sense to me -- how can we abstain -- from certain foods and certain behaviors. we have to live. and people, places and things -- do we stay away from anyone who eats? i probably need to find out more about OA before making judgments or any comments at all.
More, i have a major issue with people telling me what and how to eat. any stranger off the street can tell me to stop drinking forever, and i'm nodding along. but if a doctor suggests that it's best for me to eat breakfast, "TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M NOT COMING HERE ANYMORE. YOU DON'T KNOW MY BODY. I'M NOT HUNGRY IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING I EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. ISN'T THE POINT OF THIS TO LEARN TO EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN I'M FULL? WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING ME WITH THIS CRUEL AND DISGUSTING CALL FOR BREAKFAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU, MRS. NUTRITIONIST, WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. MY BODY IS DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S METABOLISM ACTUALLY WORKS."
Okay, so i don't quite say this to people, but i do think it. after all these years of recovery. i confess i think i do know best. yikes! that's terrifying information.
by the way, my eating's okay. i do eat some kind of snack in the morning and lunch and dinner and treats. i maintain a healthy weight -- in the realm of those weight charts.
but my thinkingis still screwy. i started working on my ED at 17, years into my issues. nearly 30 years later, i still have the inner voice that tells me i know best. with drugs and alcohol, there's a much shorter period of issues, but i'm so clear that i can not drink and i absolutely do not know best.
why is this one so much harder? what can be done to help us allow others (and God, if we so believe) to help us? how do i/we let go of control?
Monday, November 1, 2010
A Happy Crappy Day
Today was a crappy day. Work was really slow and boring, and i had to make a lot of cold calls. I'm short on money. I gained a few pounds. i have a stomach ache.
But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.
well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.
i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.
i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.
and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.
of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.
but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?
it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.
well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.
Wow.
But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.
well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.
i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.
i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.
and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.
of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.
but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?
it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.
well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.
Wow.
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