i'm too cranky for myself, too cranky for myself...

do you ever get that way? cranky, cranky, cranky.

i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or walk around in this particular skin.

i'm in nebraska on biz with the bro. my dear friend, eve, moved back here. i saw her yesterday. it was nice, but i'd had to get up at 3 am that morning to get to the airport to get to nebraska. i was really tired and also just overwhelmed with life.

yesterday, i was starting the crawl toward world crankiness. i complained to her and teared up and whined. then complained about crankiness, teared up about everything and whined about not getting enough sleep.

last night i was up ALL night with the runs. (sorry if that's TMI.) we had an early appt this morning. i concentrated heavily on keeping the eyelids open and the cheeks properly clenched.

we're leaving in a couple of hours to fly to chicago then drive for two hours.

i'm supposed to go have lunch with eve but YOU KNOW WHAT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS -- i don't really feel like it. i want to go get my nails done and go to the bookstore and talk to NO ONE.

i can't believe that i'm not jumping at this chance to see my dear friend that i don't get to see anymore. is it because it's too sad to see her for just a few hours. have i toughened my heart to protect it?

have we grown apart a little?

am i jealous because she's in a great place spiritually, physically and jobwise? this is ugly and awful to write and i'm dying to delete it, but i swear, her inner and outer peace started getting on my nerves. see, re-read that last sentence. i really am a bad person and rotten friend.

i want everything for eve, but i'm not in a good place with any of those things right now, really.

i've been drinking again after ten months. can you believe it? i'm actually enjoying it (but of course). right now, it's one glass almost every night, but that always changes. then two glasses, then.....off to the cabernet races

i'm restricting, sort of. for a few weeks, i was too stressed to eat. it hurt my ulcer. then i had the colonoscopy. now, i'm traveling and not sleeping.

you know, it feels great to unload this crankiness. what will i write tomorrow if i don't sleep tonight?!

thanks everyone

Mrs. Obama's Weight...and Mine

this blog may be controversial. and why not -- my ED co-authored.

if you read my blog, you know i have issues with our First Lady's "war" against childhood obesity. will the kids feel stigmatized? is there too much focus on weight and food and food and weight and weight and...? where's the therapeutic support? where's the monitoring for eating disorders? where's the focus on unconditional love, no matter what size body you're in?

if you read my blog, you know that i've raged about this issue to most people around me. one response i didn't expect:

"michele obama isn't exactly thin herself. who is she to help overweight kids?"

i heard similiar comments from a bunch of people and became belligerent -- "what are you crazy?" i ranted. "michelle obama has a perfect, strong, beautiful body. she's physically fit, she's gorgeous in her own skin and powerful -- a terrific example for young people." i sure told all of them!

but here's the truth. when mrs obama started her campaign against childhood obesity, i thought, "well, she's not exactly thin. if she gains a few pounds, she'll start looking like, well, she needs to lose a few pounds. who is she to tell people to lose weight?" (actually, who is anyone to tell people to lose weight, but that's another blog?)

and here's another truth. since i first saw the obama's, i've kind of worried about mrs. obama's weight. her husband, our president, is such a slim, fit sexy guy. if she gains a few pounds, will he find her less attractive? i really worry about this.

am i proud of these thoughts? NOOOOOOOO. but my ED wanted to write that last part, and so she did.

in truth, of course, michelle obama is clearly very fit and strong and healthy. she is, indeed, a perfect representation of health.

Then there's our Surgeon General,Dr Regina Benjamin. She's someone who does not look fit (although we know fitness can't be judged by external appearance, right?)but who is very involved in "the war". Despite her impressive résumé, critics have raised questions about whether Dr. Benjamin, because of her heavier weight, has a credibility problem as she tries to address the nation’s obesity problem.

can a heavy person convince other heavy people to lose weight? i'm considering going to a nutritionist. how would i feel if she were "overweight"?

well, here i go again, putting labels on weight and overweight. so much of me works so hard to believe that weight is meaningless. i hear two voices.

what do i really believe? does anyone else have horrifying thoughts like mine? please say yes. well, for your sake, i hope you don't have my thoughts.

i hope you'll let me know what you think of this post. i'm really embarrassed to publish this post. my ED isn't

Big Decision

this blog is dedicated to my cousin, who provided the answer.

I've decided not to apply to schools for September.

but that's not the real decision. the real decision is to take better care of myself. to learn way's of taking great care of myself and my body AND learning to find ways to deal with anxiety.

just the idea of applying to schools got me wanting alcohol badly, fantasizing ways to get klonopin and stressing out so i couldn't get food past my stomach. and didn't that idea, not eating, get way too interesting. i'm sick of this cycle.

in AA, there's a term, "a dry drunk". it's someone who's not drinking but who's also not immersing themselves in living a "sober life".

while i haven't been drinking, i haven't been going to AA meetings, because i don't love them. i haven't gotten the needed support and camaderie and discipline of checking in. i'm going to put my "not loving" aside and go to meetings until i find one and find people in them that help

i've gone to lots of parties with alcohol and out to dinners in fancy restaurants where drinking is beautified. it's very, well, intoxicating. i need to put my foot down and say, "i'm not going". no matter how very unpopular that can be. if my fiance's brother comes over for a boys night of watching sports and drinking, i need to stay at my own apartment.

sedatives. someone gave me an ativan the other day, and i took and it was bliss -- my heart didn't pound, my stomache didn't sear, i could focus. i started contemplating where and how to get klonopin. the addict in me can be so alive and well.

i've never really taken yoga or done much breathing or stretching or meditating. it's not valium, but it's also not addictive. i'm going to commit to whatever i can to find some means of help that won't end up in horrible withdrawals

food. i haven't been to a nutritionist since i was way too bulimic to care 15 years ago. my eating habits are... well, like mood swings. and they're probably too unstructured for this moment in my life. i'd like to see a nutritionist now, 15 years later, now that i don't think that a low weight equals the cure for cancer in importance. going to a nutritionist will be so hard for me. i don't even like to tell myself what i eat -- it's WAY too private for that.

there's more i'm sure, but it's late and i'm in a new time zone.

for now, suffice it to "say" that since i decided not to apply to schools, for now, i can and am eating again. and eating better than i have in a while. and i'm much less interested in the whole process of my weight, et. al.

thanks, cuz. and thanks to me too. great teamwork on this decision!

the WAR against childhood obesity

i'm still worrying about the WAR against CHILDHOOD OBESITY. I capitalize these words because they seem to have taken on a life of their own. i don't like the name -- who wants to be signaled and out and called "obese", particularly when you're a child?!!! and who wants to know there's a WAR against your body?

i've made comments on other people's blogs, but it keeps sticking in my head -- Why aren't we hearing more about the feelings behind the obesity? what's going on that a kid is eating enough to be medically obese? arent there studies that show that if children are left on their own and given a lot of choices, they pick pretty healthy foods and don't overeat? why are heavier children (did i mention i hate the word "obese". i crinkle my whole face while typing it) choosing to eat so much and so often junky food? most kids i know would rather be outside running around. why do some kids prefer to stay inside and watch tv? there are some real issues here that fruits and vegetables can't solve on their own!

i'm also not hearing much about teaching acceptance to more "normal" weight kids. i was picked on mercilessly when i was an "obese" child. it's painful to remember how lonely and confused I was. why was everyone making fun of me? how come no one wanted to be my friend? of course, i'd run to food, literally my only "friend" when i was 11 and 12 and stuff myself until scared -- i thought i was going to die because i'd eaten so much i couldn't breath.

Mean kids --yet another problem fruits and vegetable can't solve.

it makes me think that there is something fattest somewhere in all of this campaign againST CHILDHOOD OBESITY. everyone keeps talking about the weight and those darn fruits and vegetables and portion control. i've opened my mouth and told a lot of people in my own circle that this whole campaign against CHILDHOOD OBESITY bothers me in its approach. i fear it will stigmatize children, make them feel they're not good enough the way they are. yes, of course, we need to help our children eat healthfully and get moderate exercise. but we should work toward Childhood Wellness or Healthy Childhoods (guess it doesn't sound as a grand as a major WAR AGAINST CHILDHOOD OBESITY.) No one really likes what i say. they usually get defensive. i talk about therapy and people get bored. I sense that we're not seeing the whole child; we're just seeing an overweight kid. and no one likes the fat kid, right.

i gather that people think this is a "safe" issue. everyone's patting himself on the back for joining the WAR. after his last heart procedure, the very first thing i heard about president clinton was a statement he issued saying he was feeling better and was ready to go back to his work against CHILDHOOD OBESITY. i'd rather they focussed on poverty and education, not skim milk.

I haven't heard anything about telling kids that WHO THEY ARE is great regardless of what size they wear. if everyone's were waging a war against my body, i'd need to know that my essence is fine and i'm unconditionally loved no matter what i weigh.

why doesn't mrs. obama add therapists to her cadre of nutritionists and medical doctors. (there may well be, but i'm just hearing about the medical doctors and nutritionists). my mother took me to lots of those, in addition to weight watchers, et. al.

when i was 11, i was miserable,lonely and so confused about why everyone made fun of me. i craved unconditional love, not a mother who seemed to love me more when i weighed less. during my early teens, i rarely weighed less. instead, i ate. and ate. and ate.

but why was i eating compulsively? it wasn't that i didn't like salad. i've famously always loved vegetables. no, i ate because my parents hated each other and fought constantly yet neither would move out for FIVE miserable years. i ate because my brother and sister left for college when i was seven and never came home because the atmosphere was so toxic. i ate because my mother got involved with a horrible creepy crazily addicted prescription drug user twenty years her junior and then had him move in with us. i could go on, but i think you have a small part of the picture.

during this horrid period in my life (by the way, the creep never touched me, but other than that, everything SUCKED), i hit nearly 200 pounds. IT FREAKED MY FAMILY OUT.

then i started starving.

and oh the compliments poured in. my mother gloried each time i skipped a meal. she tried to copy my efforts but never did as "well" as I. i think that made her feel badly about herself.

i got all kinds of gifts and new wardrobes EVERYTIME my clothes got a little lose. and we didn't even have much money to spare. but, hallelujah, melissa was getting thin.

you all know my story. when you worship at the church of skinniness, sometimes things go wrong. i was tooooo hungry.

enter bulimia.

it's been 34 years since i was 11. i binged, starved, and puked for 31 of them. what if someone had told me back then that they loved me unconditionally instead of getting me diet pills.

my mother waged one hell of war against my childhood obesity. i hate war.

Olympian Thin

Last week, Kim at Adventure in Wanting wrote a great post about female Olympians and weight, questioning whether the demands of different sports do or don't lead women to eating orders.

I think that sometimes they do and some sports are more dangerous for EDs than others. I've read about gymnastics coaches yelling at their pupils to lose weight with bulimia as the out-product. I've heard of figure skaters continually told to reduce weight because of the way they look in their outfits and the ice. when your clothes are that skimpy and so much skin is displayed (some string beans are bigger than those skating costumes), and you're NOT a natural string bean, i'd think you'd need to restrict.

Weight aside (do i ever put weight aside?), something else that bothers me is the stunting of the girls growth when they start sport so young, practise so hard and need to look thin. (if you're exercising strenously many hours a day, i think you'd be ravenously hungry. restriction would make me crazy.) i recall one gymnast saying she didn't get her period until her early 20s! i don't think she's alone.

i've heard many stories, usually in gymastics, about delayed growth due to exercise. gymnasts and their coaches openly share that the gymnast is shorter and her periods start later because of the sport. you can see it, right? and what about those little, squeaky voices?

one of my sister's friend's, kathy, has a 15 year old daughter, jackie, who's a tennis star. jackie practises six days a week, runs and lift weights. kathy, her mother (!), laughs that Jackie's adorably not even 5', as her height's been obviously effected by all the tennis. this isn't scientific evidence, but jackie kind of does have one of those little voices. i don't mean to criticize her; i just worry. i hope i'm not right.

How is this acceptable? Why is this even legal?

i really didn't do a ton of research today -- this is pretty anecdotal. does anyone else know more about this than i?

i don't do gratitude lists often but today's gratitude is-- I'M HOME FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS. MAYBE MORE. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!