today was the day i wasn't going to weigh myself. i had the whole thing planned -- deprogramming the scale. well, deprogramming me and getting off the scale.
what a miserable, out-of-sorts girl i was yesterday. why -- i've gained four pounds. yup, it ruined my day. i couldn't sit still. nothing felt good. i missed out on the sun, my good book, seeing friends.
it's been years, and i've worked on myself with care, but i still define myself by a number. it's crazy, destructive, a waste of time. if i weigh 127 or 128 it's a good day. 129 is an okay day. over that -- i fidget. it's great that i'm happy at 127, versus the 98 i used to love (a really low number for me. i look really skinny at 120)
what do all these numbers mean? 98, 120, 131? is the scale always accurate? why does it matter?
still, i actually thought i looked different with four more pounds. when i went into new york yesterday, i spent half an hour in front of the disgusting public bathroom mirror in the bus station trying to quantify the changes.
i hate living this way. it's too hard. i need to get off the scale AND allow myself to find a comfortable weight for my body and begin to accept who i am.
my first step - i told my boyfriend that i feared he wouldn't want me if i gain weight. he put his arms around me and said, i love YOU. i reminded him that i weighed ten pounds more when he met me -- would he be okay if i weighed that again? he said he couldn't tell that i'd weighed ten pounds more -- was i sure? (it was about 15 pounds more.) God bless him.
as ridiculous as this all sounds, the conversation helped a lot.
i'm being pretty honest here -- this isn't stuff i usually discuss, because i know it sounds certifiable.
i long to accept a heavier body -- it would make my life a lot easier. i look at happy woman who carry more weight than i and seem really comfortable.
this is a very old dream. i've always looked at plus-sized models and felt my body belonged there. i wrote about going to Lane Bryant and feeling more at home.
who knows. step 2. let me have a scale free day. maybe tomorrow.