Dealing/Hiding

things have been going well. i am clean and sober and eating fine.

it's great and it's terrifying. suddenly, i'm not covering up or hiding from the real world. when a bill comes, i have to pay it. and i can't drink some wine first to forget just how little money i actually have. and how much i tend to spend.

last weekend, d. and i hung out. there was a lot of gardening and housework to do. i don't much like either. usually, i'd grab a big glass of wine and drudgingly do what needed to be done (complaining the whole time, of course). or i'd drink too much wine and end up too tipsy to work. i'd feel physically and emotionally awful and ashamed and start nibbling food. then i'd be miserable that i was eating , so i'd take ambien and go to sleep.

uh well, none of that works anymore. last weekend, i got pretty overwhelmed.i really didn't feel like yard work or hard work or cleaning, i crawled into bed in the middle of the day. and slept for four hours. d. wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

i was hiding. i was anesthetizing (without subsances) fear, resentment and mostly, self-hatred that i'm naturally lazy.

still, i suppose that in that moment, it was the best option i had. i didn't eat out of emotion, i didn't plan to starve, i didn't drink alcohol or take a sleeping pill.

now, i'm working on dealing with the real world. my therapist has me listing absolutely everything i spend. next, we're going to work out a budget. i've NEVER budgeted and always ended up in scarey debt. i spend way too much. that's another hidden secret. like binging or drinking, in the end shopping just hurts me.

and i guess i need to talk to d. about all the stuff that needs to get done around the house. like everything else, i prefer to avoid discussing it and doing it. but since i'm not obsessing about food or my weight, and i'm not drinking or taking pills, i guess it's an excellent time to face reality.

it's all hard work. i didn't realize quite how much there is to cope with!!! but i am doing well. feeling much healthier. sleeping better. beginning to take responsibility for myself.

not bad, right?

i'm not crawling into bed this weekend. my sister-in-laws mom died, and we're going to a funeral in rhode island. they're will TONS of booze and food, so wish me luck. i have my own plans for staying cool, but it's good to know you're all here.

i wonder if the funeral will remind me of my mom and her death and all my regrets. i'm trying very hard to stay in the present. my boyfriend will be with me. and i did very much like my sister-in-laws mom, so i'm glad i'm going.

i'll be away this weekend, probably without internet access. as soon as i'm back, i'm heading to california for work. if you don't hear from me soon, it's just because i'm traveling a lot. hope i have the chance to check in. blogging friends are the great support and therapy!