acupuncture

ouch. i can't believe i let someone stick needles in my stomach.

i haven't written lately, because my stomach hurts. (crumpy post alert.)

my stomach always has some issue, most of them eating disorder/stress-related-- too many years of starving, binging and purging.

last wednesday, i was walking down Main street, denville, new jersey, holding my ulcer and clutching my cramps.

i saw the sign "FREE ACUPUNCTURE CONSULTATION." really, i would have tried anything

for cramps, i've main-lined advil (ow, ulcer), tried tylenol with codeine (didn't work!), eaten bananas (potassium), burned through heating pads and lost a lot of sleep and days of work.

for my ulcer -- nexium, prilosec, xantac, rice, bread, no spices, deep breathing...

nada.

i prayed the acupuncture would help. everyone (particular new yorkers) recommends it.

although not a fan of needles, in i went, and i let a little lady dig holes into my stomach, near the ulcer pain. as i write this i wince. what was i thinking? what was i thinking?

IT HURT. i hurt. the site of the needles hurt and my stomach hurt, and i felt nauseous.

i seem to be feeling better, five days later, although my stomach is super sensitive and making symphonic sounds day and night, and i'm still kind of nauseous.

of course, it messes with my eating. my squealing belly only wants rice, bread, noodles and potatoes. it DOES not want broccoli, vinegar, salsa, mustard, spice, et. al. (it's gurgling at the mere mention. seriously.)

what's an eating disordered gal to do? Avoid apuncture.

Doing Well!

Wow. I'm doing really well. I'm eating well and comfortably, not drinking, no sedatives and no Ambien. Well, look at me.

And I'm coping, even tolerating stressful situations and sitting with discomfort. Is this really me?

I wouldn't say life is perfect. there are plenty of issues, but i find myself sticking up for myself, like someone who has some self-esteem.

There are moments, for sure, when i'm displeased or uncomfortable, and a second plate of food looks comforting. But I refuse, I refuse to stuff down my feelings and then feel crummy later. Uh. Uh. even if i'm not ready to communicate about what's going on (it often takes me a long time to figure out what's bothering me.) I've come to realize that a second helping won't help, and i don't want it (unless i'm still hungry, in which case, i'll eat more.) like i said, "wow".

with alcohol, i have 36 days sober. i've written that this time is easier. once in a while, i do have a craving. while i was in california last week, my nephew (also my colleague) and i went out for dinner after a long day of work and a delightful early evening of sight-seeing. we planned to go to a great, beautiful seafood place, right on the water.

as we were driving there, i thought, "ah, it's a beautiful evening, the view will spectucualar, i'm in a great, stress-free, mood. wouldn't it be wonderful to have a glass of delicious wine with the magnificent food?"

no, it wouldn't be wonderful. i don't NEED a glass of wine to have a good time. my nephew and i were having a lot of fun talking and laughing and enjoying the views. like me, he lives for bookstores. we must have visited ten (yes, that does include the bookstores at ALL the airports we sat in) during our three-day visit. if i drank, i would have felt crappy, physically and emotionally. no way. i refuse to let a bottle of wine take away my freedom. i refuse.

net, net my nephew and i had a perfect meal. yes, the food was terrific, but the views were better, and the company even more. i looked at all the menu of extraordinary food and thought about what i really like, what i was really in the mood for and what would make me comfortably satiated.

it was late (we'd sight-seed for hours), i was totally sleep deprived, and actually not very hungry. i ordered crab soup, artichoke salad and ate the great bread. exactly what i needed and wanted.

what i wanted more was great conversation. i find that if someone talks with me and listens to me, food takes it's proper place.

my nephew and i did movie trivia (he knows a lot more than I) throughout the meal and then we discussed our family at length.

re: Ambien. i haven't been taking. i dwindled from 10mg to 5mg to .25 mg and now nothing. sure, it puts me to sleep. but it also makes me dumb the next day and for some reason effects my personality quite negatively. once again, i refuse. i refuse to let some drug make me dumb and unhappy.

some situations aren't easy, and i do get angry and scared and anxious. i've been calling my great friends and getting A LOT of support. that's seems to be the key for me. i'm noticing what makes me anxious, dealing with the issues and feelings and staying okay.

wow.

warped ideas

carrie arnold wrote a great post on her blog, ED Bites, about the assumption of the virtues of low-fat and "guilt-free" foods. advertising assumes it, parents assume it, i believe most people assume ti. it all makes our eating disorder seem normal. (for so many insights and great writing, read carrie's blog, if you don't already.)

back to those assumptions. isn't a turkey sandwich the best? aren't we being "good" when we skip the real mayonnaise, full-fat desserts, carbs, any kind of saladed meat (tuna, chicken, egg), half-and-half, salad dressing..... you know the list. are we being virtuous or anorexic?

i wrote something on carrie's blog that's been on my mind. her post spurred me to remember something i thought was odd. i took my niece to buy clothes at Lane Bryant. they have beautiful clothes and the sales people were lovely and helped us so much. my niece felt comfortable and pretty and important. that part was thrilling.

here was the weird thing -- the sales people (plus-size and beautifully turned out in Lane Bryant attire) kept steering her toward "slimming" clothes. and flattering items that hid her stomache, her hips, her large breasts. it was "harder" to do this because she doesn't have a "waistline". they steered away from anything white and, naturally, no horizontal stripes. not flattering at all!

i don't get it -- isn't my niece, particularly in Lane Bryant, supposed to be fine, better than fine, just the way she is?

Dealing/Hiding

things have been going well. i am clean and sober and eating fine.

it's great and it's terrifying. suddenly, i'm not covering up or hiding from the real world. when a bill comes, i have to pay it. and i can't drink some wine first to forget just how little money i actually have. and how much i tend to spend.

last weekend, d. and i hung out. there was a lot of gardening and housework to do. i don't much like either. usually, i'd grab a big glass of wine and drudgingly do what needed to be done (complaining the whole time, of course). or i'd drink too much wine and end up too tipsy to work. i'd feel physically and emotionally awful and ashamed and start nibbling food. then i'd be miserable that i was eating , so i'd take ambien and go to sleep.

uh well, none of that works anymore. last weekend, i got pretty overwhelmed.i really didn't feel like yard work or hard work or cleaning, i crawled into bed in the middle of the day. and slept for four hours. d. wondered what the heck was wrong with me.

i was hiding. i was anesthetizing (without subsances) fear, resentment and mostly, self-hatred that i'm naturally lazy.

still, i suppose that in that moment, it was the best option i had. i didn't eat out of emotion, i didn't plan to starve, i didn't drink alcohol or take a sleeping pill.

now, i'm working on dealing with the real world. my therapist has me listing absolutely everything i spend. next, we're going to work out a budget. i've NEVER budgeted and always ended up in scarey debt. i spend way too much. that's another hidden secret. like binging or drinking, in the end shopping just hurts me.

and i guess i need to talk to d. about all the stuff that needs to get done around the house. like everything else, i prefer to avoid discussing it and doing it. but since i'm not obsessing about food or my weight, and i'm not drinking or taking pills, i guess it's an excellent time to face reality.

it's all hard work. i didn't realize quite how much there is to cope with!!! but i am doing well. feeling much healthier. sleeping better. beginning to take responsibility for myself.

not bad, right?

i'm not crawling into bed this weekend. my sister-in-laws mom died, and we're going to a funeral in rhode island. they're will TONS of booze and food, so wish me luck. i have my own plans for staying cool, but it's good to know you're all here.

i wonder if the funeral will remind me of my mom and her death and all my regrets. i'm trying very hard to stay in the present. my boyfriend will be with me. and i did very much like my sister-in-laws mom, so i'm glad i'm going.

i'll be away this weekend, probably without internet access. as soon as i'm back, i'm heading to california for work. if you don't hear from me soon, it's just because i'm traveling a lot. hope i have the chance to check in. blogging friends are the great support and therapy!