Dreaming of Food

I thought I had it licked – I eat what I eat and I’m okay. 

Eating what I eat means eating when I’m hungry and stopping when I’m full.  In general, as I don’t really exercise, that’s not a lot of food, and I’ve come to terms with that. After a lifetime of compulsive eating, bulimia and anorexia, it’s a peaceful way to live.

Last night, there were food issues in my dream.  I was visiting my sister and I was scared of food. Her family lives to eat and exercise; they are professional athlete fit AND they eat generous quantities all throughout the day. The whole family loves to cook and bake.

All day my sister plans meals – she makes fresh pastries for breakfast, looks forward to a hardy lunch and prepares big delicious dinners.

Back to my dream - we were sitting over lunch as my sister picked which fabulous restaurant to go to for dinner.

I kept worrying about my weight, what with all the eating, and began planning to starve all day so I could at least eat something at night.

The rest of the dream involved food restriction. That was it – there were no family activities or fun or spending time with my dear niece and nephew or playing with the adorable dog. It was all about maintaining my weight.

What a nightmare!  And something for me to look at.  Am I, perhaps, restricting during the day? Or, are there other things going on in my life that I’m trying to avoid by focusing on food and weight? Hmmm

Distracted - or Where is my Brain?

My mind must be elsewhere, as it's surely not here. I forget everything and notice nothing.

At work, I left the water running in the bathroom, and it flooded. I've forgotten to send spreadsheets to my boss, although I've sent the same ones daily for years. I've also sent the wrong spreadsheets and not even noticed.

Mistakes, mistakes, mistakes - I'm making them at work. Some I can't even understand how I did them. You'd have to try really hard to make these!

This morning, my cat had an appointment at the vet. I packed her in the car, grabbed my keys and was off.  It was only when I went to pay for the visit that I noticed I'd left my purse at home.

I've always been a dreamer, distracted and flakey, but this is new. Is it age? The fight  with my boyfriend? My displeasure at work?

Who knows? But if you happen to find my brain, please let me know!

The DEATH Penalty

I don't understand capital punishment. If killing is illegal, then killing is illegal, right? As a kid, I couldn't even understand how war could be legal. (In many ways, i still don't.)

Last night, it took a prisoner in Oklahoma 43 painful minutes to die. I don't understand this either. i have, sadly, had friends who over-dosed painlessly and died quickly. Maybe the state should try heroin...? or ambien?

By the way, European countries won't sell us the drugs we used to use for lethal injection, because we use them for the death penalty. Other countries see our barbarism and cut us off. What an embarrassment.

Still, who really cares how the person dies, it's the fact that we're killing someone. Two wrongs don't make a right. When did an eye for an eye come back in fashion?

And of course, we hear about juries making mistakes. (We know they do, right - OJ was innocent.) We're human. We're flawed.

But even if we were right 100% of the time, the death penalty is still wrong. And expensive. It costs us more for a person to go through the entire appeals process and to live on death row, than it costs us to support a life imprisonment.

All my life, i was an atheist, and i would still proclaim that only God can take a life. I know it even more now.

DEPRESSION

Depression rocks through me. It's taking my strength.  I sludge through the day like a shoe parting mud. 

Thick mud.

Some days have been better; I'm useful, productive. The world's kinder, clearer, fun and forgiving.

But today i'm just 50, single and tired.  

Later today, there's a plan to be useful.  Doing for others get me out of myself. 

I know what to do to move through depression. Today, I'm indulging - I'm just kind of tired.

Something will happen, as it always does. And I will feel better. Until then - depression. A heart feels so heavy. Like a shoe stuck in mud.