I HATE TO WEIGHT... AND MORE

Kelly Clarkson Defends her Curves

2012-01-05T09:14:00.000-08:00

I just saw a headline with that title -- Kelly Clarkson defends her curves. Why does any person -- man, woman or child -- have to defend his or her body, particularly as it's hurting no one?

I look at recent photos of Clarkson, she of the terrific voice and very popular music, and I see a woman who looks pretty much like most of the women i work with -- womanly. I like some of her songs, not all, but i'd like them just the same if she looked like Twiggy or John Goodman.

From what I've read, Kelly Clarkson struggled with her weight and always got kudos when she'd slim down. I don't know what she went thru, but i know i was anorexic and bulimic and 100% obsessed in order to keep myself thin. i, too, got lots of compliments, although i was miserable and damaging my body irreparably. once i stopped purging and starving and binging, i gained a fair amount of weight and ended up a healthy size 12. but the compliments stopped.

Kelly Clarkson is a musician, not a skeleton. This is a real question -- why does anyone care what she weighs? Do any of you have any guesses?

Lessons Learned

2011-09-30T10:01:00.001-07:00

being that i was at the end of my rope, i just let go....

early morning.

i'm at my job. it's 5 am. i don't like my job.

it's been an extraordinary learning process, though -- entirely humbling. it's really mundane -- filing, faxing, etc., and i'm not even good at it, which worries me.

i've been looking for other jobs, but the market's not great AND i really don't know what i want to do, and i don't want to just take some/any other job and end up unhappy all over again.

what do i learn here -- certainly the afore mentioned humility. sure, once i had big jobs in New York City, but the stress and drugs and alcohol took me down, and i started completely over (with nothing) in New Jersey, where i still prefer my VERY quiet life.

here at work, i'm the fetch-it girl. i go on coffee and junk food runs for my hungover bosses. i fly to the drugstore to get them their Xanax. and make multiple stops each day to satisfy their specific and disparate food needs.

and all the while, they complain about their weight constantly and talk about laxatives and cleanses and go on every different diet every different day.

it can't be coincidence that i -- an anorexic, bulimic, compulsive eater, drug addict and alcoholic -- spend my days dealing with highly cranky hangovers and scoring snacks and painkillers.

at first i found this nearly impossible and embarrassing as they special order EVERYTHING, whether they send me to KFC, the diner, the grocery store, McDonald's or all of the above in one day. it's chicken and rice soup without the rice at the deli and at KFC they make me hand pick each piece of chicken and on and on. oy.

one of the bosses makes me call to complain if the deli doesn't butter her bagel the way she asked or if the bread isn't toasted as requested or there isn't enough lettuce on her BLT.

and then there's the filing and faxing and answering the phones. i'm good at the phone but have always been challenged with paper work. Often, i let that define me and i feel badly about myself BUT THEN i stop and make myself remember that i AM not just a gal who can't fold paper neatly.

i'm a woman who cares about other people, who speaks publicly all the time at AA meetings, who gives rides to people who can't drive, et. al

being here has broken my heart over the last 7 months, as i've made so many dumb mistakes and been berated. i haven't been able to believe that this is where my life is at 47.

YET, the truth is, this IS where my life is at 47. i spent my first 46 years in some form of addiction, wasting opportunities and going nowhere.

along the way, i've learned that i CAN deal with people who talk endlessly about drinking and partying. i CAN deal with other people's food issues without it affecting me.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE POSSIBLE. and i have been able to keep getting up every morning and coming to this place that i really don't like.

in the meantime, i keep thinking and praying and visualizing what i might like doing.

it's a lot of growth, whether i enjoy it or not. i CAN handle discomfort. i really can.

OA meeting.

2011-09-12T11:26:00.001-07:00

so, i went to my first Overeaters Anonymous meeting, and i loved it. i have avoided OA all my life because i thought it was just another diet and probably cultish. but as AA changed my life (really kind of gave me a life) AND i know some incredibly centered and healthy and happy women who go to OA, i figured, why not -- give it a shot.

well, i gotta tell you -- i felt completely at home and welcomed and comfortable and right where i belonged. i felt even more at home than i have in AA, which is pretty cool.

the women at the meeting were telling my story. and telling a story of recovery. such hope.

i'm actually going to get a sponsor and see how it goes. AA gave me freedom from drugs and alcohol. i'm so interested to see if this will happen with food and AA

there were a number of women at the meeting who were addicts and alcoholics as well. and they agreed with me that food is the base of our problems -- the final frontier and where it all started. and they agree that it's, in many ways, the hardest. obviously, you can give up alcoholic and drugs, but we all have to figure out how to eat.

i'm really excited. my eating is ok, (i NEVER binge, starve or purge) but i can still have a funny relationship with food and still "use" it sometimes. i'm the absolutely healthiest i've ever been with food, but i want true ease and comfort.

i know there can be a lot of feelings against OA, and i've had them too, so we'll see.

for now, i'm feeling really positive. i'll let you know...

what am i crying for

2011-09-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

ya know those days where you feel blue and your not exactly sure why you're blue today, as opposed to other days?

this would be one of those days. i'm weepy and gloomy and low and letting things bother me. i put a lot of effort these days into not feeling sorry for myself and playing victim, because that just makes me feel worse in the long run and does no one any good. (besides, i'm pretty lucky in the scheme of things.)

today, it's really worrying me that i need to lay out a lot (too much) money for my car AND i owe the IRS and now, an accountant, money.

i can just cover it, but it depletes my savings. and that keeps me stucker (i just liked the word) in a job i don't like too much, because it pays just a little bit more than others.

blah. boo. hiss. want a man who loves me.

oh yeah, and i cut my own bangs with "choppy" results.

there ya go. i think i'm done. THANKS, if anyone had the patience to listen.

i really feel better. i'm off to do some good. :)

Here

2011-09-07T12:02:00.000-07:00

i haven't written in ages -- i haven't had anything much to report. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day.nothing too exciting happens; nothing awful happens. Basically, I'm just living -- day by day.some days are good, some are less good, some are a mix. what i'm learning is how to just -- be. i've really learned that the world doesn't revolve around me, and there's just about nothing that i can control. the earth will turn without me, the wind will blow and other people will do exactly as they're going to do, whether i like it or not.the more i've learned to accept this and to let things go and to face things with a more positive attitude, the better i do.the more gratitude i have, the better i do. if i'm grateful to have a job that pays for my life, i can't resent the job (quite so much. i'm getting better, but i'm sure not perfect!)it's been a difficult month financially -- turns out i owe the IRS money and my car is costing me almost more than i can afford. still, i'm eeking it out (let's just hope nothing else goes wrong.)but i'm handling it, knowing that for right now, i'm okay.re; food and weight. my weight is still up, hovering around the same 135. i'm getting more and more okay with it. i read a good book recently -- "Read My Hips: How I Learned to Love My Body, Ditch Dieting, and Live Large" by Kimberly Brittingham. The author decides to live and enjoy life, no matter her size. She explores her interests NOW, not waiting until she might, one day, lose weight. she wears what she likes, does what she wants and doesn't back down. the book was very, very inspirational to me. i need to live life right now. afterall, NOW is all I have.

Do I have to be thin?

2011-07-05T04:46:00.000-07:00

When i think about working in the Eating Disorders field, i wonder what i should weigh, and does it matter?

during my worst struggling anorexic years, i couldn't take seriously a professional who carried "extra" weight. In fact, i found an over-weight person's suggestions frightening. why on earth would i do what they told me?

now, of course, i understand that anyone/everyone can help me. and there's nothing wrong with carrying any amount of weight.

but what about the still-suffering client? will she listen to me if she doesn't like how i look -- if it made her uncomfortable?

I worried, too, when i was still a little too thin. would i give a bad impression and look as though i were still disordered in my eating? as my weight climbed, i kept in mind that this new look was a better role model for my teenaged niece, who fights her own battles. how could i tell her she was beautiful and perfect, no matter how much she weighed, when i still looked a little boney?

but then is there only a very narrow amount that i can weigh?

i've always thought i'd have to be one exactly perfect weight (with a few pound fluctuation) for anyone to listen to me about eating disorders. but there i go again, putting myself in a tiny box where there's one teeeny, tiny area where i'm okay.

What do you guys think?

Big Beautiful Women

2011-07-03T07:24:00.000-07:00

I get girl crushes on larger sized women -- i wish i felt the freedom to be one myself.

my body longs to be free. as i've mentioned before, when i've really left myself alone, my weight climbs and climbs -- all my Russian peasant stock ancestors were bigger folks, and i know that's what my body wants too. of course, i won't let it.

in the past, i posted pictures of gorgeous fuller-sized women on my refrigerator for encouragement. at my most anorexic, a glowing plus-sized model could make me weep. when i wore a size nothing, i'd buy Mode magazine for plus-sized women, and i'd pray for the courage and strength to let my body be where it belonged. Model Kate Dillon, in particular, was my glorious hero. she'd struggled horribly to meet the weight demands of the regular modeling world, but now worked so successfully at her body's larger natural size.

My boss, Ann, is exquisite -- distractingly beautiful. She's nearly 6' and fantastically strong. she, of course, thinks she's fat and has no confidence at all, but i find her eye candy. when she stands to her full height, with her waist length hair high in a pony tail and her cowboy boots planted firmly on the ground, i just think there's no better looking woman around.

i've written before about taking my niece shopping last year at Lane Bryant, where i felt absolutely at home -- to me, these were my peeps. i was the exact weight for this store when i was in my teens and part of 20s and then later 30s, but i never shopped there. instead, i'd try to deny my size and embark on my incredibly unhealthy process of slaving off the weight.

i wonder where i'd be if i'd learned to accept myself at a larger size. instead of dieting madly my whole life, what if i'd found Lane Bryant for myself and let myself be?

what does any of this mean for me now?

The Scale: Part 1. Trillion, that is

2011-07-01T05:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, i got another Scale last month -- i really should buy stock in Scales. no one can count as high as the number i've bought(and thrown out) in my life.

i got The Scale because of the ten pounds i'd recently gained -- no matter how much i talked to myself, i couldn't convince myself that i wouldn't keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had A Scale. no matter what i said to myself about my body regulating to where it needed to be, i was absolutely convinced i'd keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had The Scale.

since i've had The Scale, my weight has stayed in the same few pound range. but how can i really know, as The Scale seems to have issues.

This morning i jumped on it, and it gave me a number and then an error message. so, i got on twice more, and i was seven pounds less than the original number. i walked away all happy -- woo hoo. but i didn't trust this number, as it did seem a little low. hopped on twice more -- four pounds up.

i decided to pick the middle number, as it seemed the most reasonable.

??????????????????

this is ridiculous. once more, i am chucking The Scale. It doesn't know my weight any better than i do. how can i put faith in a stupid machine that gives me 3 different readings, ranging 7 pounds, along with an Error message?

how indeed. here we go again. this is getting very, very old

The Boyfriend's Weight

2011-06-30T06:37:00.000-07:00

My guy friend is losing weight. He's fairly thin to begin with, but he always had this sweet little belly. Now, he's losing weight.

Mike is a contractor and this is his crazy, busy time of year. He's doing very physical labor, very long hours, seven days a week, in the heat. When he gets home, he's often too tired to eat much of anything. Of course he's losing weight!

Last night, i saw him, and his clothes were just hangin'. His face looks really lean and that dear little belly -- not to be found.

where does this leave me?

Mike's always been just a little bigger for his size than i am for mine.
But now, i've gained 10 pounds since he met me, and his weight is dropping. i don't like this. Although somewhere in my sane mind, i know it's not important, i still don't like it!

Mike seems exactly as attracted to me as he's always been.
frankly, he's too tired right now to notice too much of anything. i doubt he's actually noticed he's lost weight -- he just pulls his belt tighter.

i'm sure i'm annoying him -- i keep asking him if he's lost weight (duh, just look at his droopy jeans and sallow face.) he never knows -- he's really too busy to think about it, and i know he DOESN'T think about it or care.

I'm the problem here.

I wonder how you all feel about your significant's weight. Do you have feelings about your sibling's weights? friends? parents?

I know this is wrong, but i want the belly back.

The Ed Cycle

2011-06-28T10:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like I live my life in the belly of this beast. i'm going along dandily, and then something comes up and drags me into ED territory. it's just a brief visit these days, but old thoughts can still creep in. I see this on other blogs too -- we're doing well, eating our meals and snacks, dodging the laxative aisle, ignoring the scale and then, seemingly suddenly, we're not. it's important to remember, tho, that we've had the good days, we've done "this", we know how to do it, and we'll do it again. Yet, our ED habits are pretty deeply ingrained and in many ways, even worshipped, and so it's normal that they will slip back in at times.

yesterday, i ate a very large lunch -- WAY more than usual and a lot more than my hunger required. i was tired and bored and, so, began eating mindlessly. i found myself barely chewing and hardly tasting, like in the binge days of yore.

happily, these are new days and i stopped after simply eating a very big lunch - not unlike what normal people do occasionally.

still, it's not easy. my mind starts up,

"Melissa, what was that? Keep that up and not one piece of clothing will fit by tonight."

"Piggy, now you're not entitled to eat again until tomorrow night."

"what's wrong with you? why aren't you perfect?"

"hmmm, laxatives would help this situation you've gotten yourself into"

I'm astonished that these voices can still fill my brain after all the work i've done. The good news - I DIDN'T LISTEN. instead, i spent the rest of the day gently calming and encouraging myself and telling myself to GET ON WITH LIFE.

And that's the point, isn't it -- GETTING ON WITH LIVING. Our eating disorders seem to stop the process. We're all involved in calories and weight and BMIs and food and.....

In the old days, there were plenty of ways i would have dealt with my big lunch. i would have continued eating to a full fledged, giant binge; then thrown up and started binging again; and taking laxatives, followed by locking myself in my house until i'd purged and starved myself down to a weight i considered acceptable in order to walk out the front door and into the world.

Yesterday, i put down my fork, got back to work and finished the day. after work i ran home, took a fast shower and drove to pick up an elderly friend who goes to the same AA meeting as i do. i was able to enjoy the meeting without obsessing about lunch and weight and then drove my friend to his house and me to mine.

i got on with life and lived it exactly as i would have any other day.

Sometimes, i still find myself in the Belly of that Beast, but now i move on.

Confidence: Body Style

2011-06-28T05:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday, I went to a local lake with two friends, ages 50 and 29. (i'm 47.) we are probably around the same weights for our respective heights. (i'm 5'6 and 135.)

After an hour of hanging, the sun finally came out and almost in unison we pulled off our cover-ups. Both of them were wearing bikinis. My tank suit basically covered me from neck to as far down on my thighs as I could pull it. My other suit has a skirt.

i haven't worn a bikini since i was eight (it was pink with white polka dots), when i decided i had a huge belly. From then on, no matter how tiny i was (WAY TOO TINY), I still believed with 100% of my body and soul that my belly was way too big for this world, let alone a bikini!

It's nearly 40 years since i donned that little polka dot number, and i still have no desire to wear a bikini, BUT i do have a burning desire to finally have some confidence in this body that's bravely walked me thru life these last 47 years, no matter how badly i abused it.

i say i want to set an example for the next generations, helping younger women to feel wonderful about their bodies of all shapes and sizes. How can i be an example when i ridicule my "droopy" breasts, "blobby" stomach, "flat, wide" ass, "wide" hips and "bulgey" thighs?

I've got some work ahead! it won't be easy, but it will be healthy!!!! and well worth it, i'm sure

The Daily

2011-06-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in a while, mostly because there's not much to report, which -- in a lot of ways -- is pretty good.

i get up early, go to work, run errands, go to an AA meeting, eat dinner, take a bath and go to bed.

not very exciting, but that, in fact, is the good news. My life used to be FILLED with drama. everything bothered me or hurt me or thrilled me or devastated me. now, i like cleaning my little apartment, reading in the bath tub and enjoying the nice weather.

simplicity is pretty cool.

My Bosses and their Bodies

2011-06-06T06:11:00.000-07:00

My two bosses (the owners) are wealthy sisters. One is 44, the other is 38. They live in Manhattan and have socialite lifestyles.

They also come in completely hungover a lot and love their Xanax. They constantly regale us all with stories of their drunken ventures. It's a little weird for me, considering my history with drugs and alcohol.

They also talk about diets ALL DAY LONG. Ann is on the Cookie Diet, but eats everything else all day long and then endlessly complains how fat she is. Mary walks around pinching her stomach and talking about her trainers. One day she'll eat only grapefruit, the next she'll eat the refrigerator.

I'm starting to wonder, though, if they don't throw up after they eat. I know Mary's thrown up when she's hungover, and when i've gone into the bathrooom after she makes that grand announcement, the toilet seat is sticky. (sorry for the TMI.) i'm not sure why it's sticky, but i think maybe she clutches the seat with lotioned hands? anyway, i've noticed lately that she runs to the bathroom a lot, stays in there for a long time and then the seat is sticky again.

Ann's been spending a lot of time in the bathroom lately too. Last Friday, the workers had to wait 1/2 an hour to get paid, because she was in there that long.

At first, all this confused me. What the heck am i, Ms. Everything Disorder, doing sitting next to these women. Now, i just feel sad for them. This can't be a happy life.

Sad.

At the Detox

2011-06-01T05:06:00.000-07:00

i spoke about AA at the Detox again last night. i don't remember the last time i felt so - present.

When i'm there, it seems just the right place to be. i am comfortable speaking (i'm usually kind of nervous)and the time flies by.

i also find that i truly care about the audience -- i'm there for them, it's not about me, which is a nice break from my usual worries of all about me: my job, money, relationship, weight, blah, blah.

i've decided to look into careers working with substance and alcohol abuse. there seem to be certificates you can earn to get started in the field. i'm concerned about low salary; however, we'll see what i learn as i begin the research. if i can pay my bills on the salary, there's so much extra i can cut out of my spending.

i'm excited!!!! imagine doing something i care passionately about!!!!!!! (hard to imagine at the moment.)

it's been a tough road, career wise these days. but now i feel like i have something to work toward and dream about and plan for, and things feel a lot easier to take.

i'm all for that!

Better

2011-05-25T11:25:00.000-07:00

i feel better today, even though nothing has changed. i seem able to handle all the things i'm not crazy about and just not care.

Most likely it has to do with what i did last night -- i went with friends from AA and spoke about the program at a Detox. i've been in a couple of detoxes (both for alcohol and drugs), and i could relate to the patients, although most were pretty young.

it felt like an opportunity to be helpful or useful to someone else. who knows if anything we said will resonate or help anyone, but it may and that's good enough. we'll be going every Tuesday, and i so look forward to it.

all day when i'd get irritated at work today, i'd think about going to the detox, and i'd feel so much better about my life and what i'm doing.

besides, it's sunny and beautiful outside, i'm going to the bookstore this evening, and i might even treat myself to a pedicure. ahhh.

also, i found out that my job doesn't deduct anything for health insurance, so in a way, i make more than i thought. and that's pretty nice.

i've felt better since first thing this morning, and it's 2:30 pm now. that's a good run for me! YAY.

Great Career Search Suggestions

2011-05-23T12:36:00.000-07:00

Linda at http://vegaslindalou.blogspot.com/ (can someone remind me how to link? please)wrote a terrific blog about the career search. she has great questions to ask yourself and brings in some new points i hadn't heard before.

What i particularly like is: she asks you to think about what you're always complimented for, what you do 99% better than anyone else and how you might get paid to do these things. i have a hard time figuring out what i'm good at. it helps to see it from someone else's point of view -- what others say i do well.

Linda also warns not to say you hate your current job, because unless you've recently won the lottery, you most likely need this job and it's serving a real purpose. it's important to see what's good in it, so you really CAN feel more positively about it.

What are you doing in your current job that's preparing you for your next step?

Use your free time to go after your dreams. as she says, if you're channel-surfing on your couch every night, stop it right now.

these are just a few of her suggestions -- i heartily suggest you go to her blog to find out more, if you're in the same place career-wise that i am. i know i was inspired. and felt better about where i am right now.

Onward!

Schwarzenegger's Mistress Looks

2011-05-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

Everything else aside, I feel badly for "the Other Woman", Mildred Patricia Baena who bore Arnold Schwarzenegger's child. Everyone keeps making fun of her looks. I heard one DJ call her ugly. Someone else said the Governor would obviously "do" anything if he'd "do" her, including a chimpanzee.

I just imagine her hearing this all day, every day until the story dies, and i can't imagine how awful it would feel -- if everyone seems to universally agree that you're very unattractive and it's practically disgusting that Schwarzenegger would even consider you.

still, i admit that it flashed thru my mind. i actually tried to find older pictures of her to see if she was more attractive when they were trysting. it upset me that i was doing this. does it matter what she looked like? does it make the crime any different?

i guess this is kind of all about me. i would be DEVASTATED if so many people were making fun of my looks. DEVASTATED. i always thought i was particularly unattractive and nowwork very hard, each and every day, to tell myself i look fine. i'm getting better and some of it comes from the fact that people around me seem to think i'm fine-looking. i get compliments, no one makes fun of me, men ask me out.....

what would i do if the media compared me to a chimpanzee?

Spirituality

2011-05-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

I liked this definition of spiritual growth, "an ever-deepening capacity to embrace life with justice, compassion, curiosity, awe, wonder, serenity and humility."

My new-found spirituality is what's keeping me going these days; it's what gives me hope. i pray constantly to be kind, compassionate, just, grateful and humble. i examine my actions and intentions to see where i can always do better, all the while working toward compassion for myself.

it hasn't been an easy time with work and relationships. none of my friends live in new jersey and i've struggled more than usual to make friends lately. maybe it's my age, and i live in suburbia where everyone's married and doing their own thing.

i found myself very lonely this weekend -- like in the old days, but then i'd use food and alcohol and pills to run from the loneliness. this weekend, i helped out an elderly friend who'd moved into assisted living and ran an AA meeting and called my friends (who sadly, don't live near me.)

now i have hope. and tools for pulling me out of sadness, anxiety and depression. before, there was no hope -- just food, alcohol and pills.

before spirituality, i thought i alone ran the show. I was the alpha and the omega, life began and ended with me. that's very lonely, empty, and....scarey for me.

what i believe is still developing. but starting with justice, compassion, curiosity, awe, wonder, serenity and humility doesn't hurt!

It's Not About the Food

2011-05-12T09:19:00.000-07:00

but it's not about the food order, is it?

if you read my last post, you'll know that i'm very unhappy serving as the resident lunch lady here at my job. actually, i'm very unhappy about the whole errand girl issue over-all -- the post office (mailing bosses personal mail every day), Staples, fetching files, making copies...

but it's not about the errands, is it? it's about the fact that, as i'm soon to turn 47, i feel i've made nothing of my life professionally. career-wise, i've kind of gone backwards.

what worries me is that i'm not even sure where to begin anymore. i really don't know what i want to do. maybe i just need to daydream and daydream and jot down ideas?

career has always been a problem for me. i've just never known what to do. and i was always so, so troubled that i never stuck with anything and developed much of a skill or craft.

i'm in the position i'm in today, because I got myself here. So, who am i really mad at -- i think it's that lady who's staring back at me from the mirror above my computer.

all i have is the present. i can not change the past.

anybody have any ideas where to get started or what worked for you along the professional way?

I Need Your Help

2011-05-11T08:56:00.000-07:00

I wrote this entry this morning and posted it under "The Lunch Order". i didn't realize then just how much i really, really want/need your feedback, thoughts and advice. If you have a couple of minutes, i hope you'll, uh, "weigh" in. Thank you so much. Here's the original post.

There's not much for me to do here at my new job, but one of those few things, sadly, is getting everyone's lunch. Couldn't i just dig for coal?

this is a FOOD-oriented group and picky and particular. did i mention they're all picky and particular?

does anyone else see the irony of a woman with a 30+ year history of eating disorders being the resident food enabler?

my gang here gets hungry early. we're a meat distributor that opens at 2:30 am. (i get in at 7.) by the time 8:30 am rolls around, it's "Melissa, what's for lunch? Melissa, we're huuuungry".

by 9:30 am, i'm off to the supermarket to fulfill each person's needs (that's after the hour or so it takes to get everyone's order.) Sue's on the Atkins diet, so it's cold-cuts for her. Annie wants fruit, but is very picky about the quality. Johnnie needs sweet pickles; Marg wants gherkins. Different mustards, different dressings. Walnuts for Sue (is that even on Atkins?), lightly salted cashews for Annie. Becky asks for boiled ham -- sliced THIN. the boss wants coleslaw without any purple cabbage. diet coke, regular pepsi, vitamin water.... it goes on and on and on.

it's worse if we order in. it takes a good hour or so to get consensus on a place. then no one can make their minds up about what to eat. then i have to call a few places to see what the specials are. after that, everyone special orders EVERYTHING anyway, so who cares what's on the menu or the specials? and everyone complains about the cost...and, it doesn't end.

so ironic that's i'm the gal. me, i like to forget about food during the day and only think about it when i'm hungry. to spend most of my morning on this (hearing the whining, taking the order, going to the supermarket, shopping, laying out the food table, cleaning up....)is fairly bizarre, vaguely freaky and always annoying. on top of it, i feel demeaned -- like a servant.

i wouldn't mind all this so much, i think, if i were a waitress, but i had no idea this was going to be a (big) part of my job when i was hired. i thought i was going to be trained in the business and then groomed to sell. hmm.

i'm smiling now. i put off writing this post because i know it makes me pretty darn cranky and i, myself, start whining. but after this morning ("this grapefruit isn't ripe enough", "no purple cabbage", ) i needed to vent.

why do i stay at this job, you may ask yourself (and me)? well, i'm not quite ready to switch AGAIN. and i find lots wrong with every job i work.

this job, in general, is low stress for now. there's not that much to do. i can leave early if it's really dead. i'm way over-paid for what i'm doing, and i have benefits. going to the supermarket (and running all the other errands) gets me outside for at least an hour. everyone's nice enough to me.

besides, i don't know what else i'd want to do at this point. this is a really good time to figure it out. i'm sober, getting more confident, enjoying life itself a lot more and beginning to really work on fear.

fear keeps me doing all the things i shouldn't be doing and keeps me from doing all the things i could. touche

perfect days off; perfect eating

2011-05-10T10:12:00.000-07:00

i just had four days off in a row. bliss.

i slept beautifully and lengthily every night. ahhhh. great sleep tops everything, if you ask me.

my eating was easy, gentle and intuitive. i ate what i wanted, when i was hungry. and if i wasn't hungry and felt like a cookie or some potato chips, i had some. but i really didn't have cravings or any desire to use food emotionally.

i realize how much more comfortable i am in the world. i did very little over the four days but i swear, i enjoyed each moment of each day.

i savored my morning coffee, spent glorious hours in bookstores, got a manicure, took long bubble baths, read wonderful books, went for walks, took myself out for lunch one day and dinner another.

i also lead an AA meeting, helped facilitate a workshop and attended a really good AA meeting, all with very nice people.

there was nice time with the guy i'm seeing. and we helped an elderly friend move to assisted living, which was emotional, but i'm glad we could help.

four perfect days.

i didn't cringe about coming back to work until 4 am this morning, when my eyes popped open, and i realized i wasn't going to be sleeping in today.

i'm now tired and my usual grumpy BUT i know i didn't waste one second of my time off. and there will be other days. heck, Saturday is just four days away. zzzzzzz

Are we self-absorbed?

2011-05-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

i think this post will be controversial and perhaps some will be angry with me, but i figured i'd still put this out there.

someone said that their first impression of anorexics was that we are self-absorbed and unappreciative. now, however, that person says she knows differently.

i, however, think that our eating disorders do, in fact, lead us to self-absorbed and unappreciative behaviors. we are not to blame -- we are very, very sick and struggling, BUT i do think we can be quite narcissistic, as well as unappreciative of all that others do for us and all they withstand.

it's less now, but certainly in the past, my eating took over every meal. what did Melissa want, what would i eat, what would i NEVER eat? what time was it comfortable for me to eat? what could be kept in the refrigerator? what must never be in the refrigerator? what holidays could i tolerate? at which holidays (thanksgiving, christmas) would i never appear.

everyone's world revolved around me. was i eating? was i sneaking off to the bathroom every time i ate? was i being honest about my intake?

special arrangements always had to be made for me, and if they weren't -- oh the wrath i'd unleash. and there was absolutely no way to please me.

during all the years i was starving, i was mean and miserable. but i felt entitled to my fury and moods. when i think of what my friends and family dealt with, yikes. and particularly my mother. how would i have dealt with me?

and unappreciative. did i ever say "thank you" for all the special arrangements? i honestly don't think so. i was more angry that they were putting fattening food on the table. why couldn't everything be steamed or poached? why did we have to have meals at all? what about ME?

perhaps i'm being harsh. and i suppose that knowing this wouldn't have helped me much -- i was desperately, miserably sick.

but i wonder, what if i had said "thank you"? what if i had been kinder and gentler, and more aware of my parents' struggle -- NOT in a self-hating, guilty way, though. self-hate is once again just self-absorbed. and guilt is useless. what if i had just been nicer? and less resentful?

who knows? who knows if it were even possible, what with how unhappy and confused and desperate and sick i was.

very importantly, i don't think we need to feel badly about ourselves for our actions and behaviors -- we are dealing with very, very difficult issues, afterall. i just think it's interesting to notice and perhaps, if possible, make some adjustments. if it's not possible to do things any differently, perhaps, it is at least, good to notice.

i'm just wondering what you think. i would love any and all feedback from you guys. what DO you think?

Hello Mojo

2011-04-29T10:32:00.000-07:00

I'm happy to say that my mojo is back! Hallelujah.

I'm comfortable with food again -- YAY! it took a while, and i sure felt uncomfortable but things are back to normal. i'm not stressing or obsessing, which is brilliant.

i suppose it started with the food journal. writing everything down helped me see where and when i was using food for purposes other than fuel and nourishment. giving up gum and candy made me feel so much better about myself too. although i've struggled some with missing my candy, overall i don't even want it.

with the food journal, i did send it to my acquaintance, Mary, as she suggested, but i haven't heard back, and it's been a week. somehow, that's okay. i needed her comfort so much that night that i called her. her kindness and suggestionss in that moment put me right on the path of healing. perhaps, that is just what i needed.

i've also been making myself go to bed earlier, and that really helps. i'm such a night owl and hate the morning BUT i don't have that luxury with the new job's schedule. being inflexible was only hurting me, so i'm off to bed a little earlier and really feel better.

i've been working on myself -- working on patience, kindness, compassion, tolerance, gratitude......all this helps more than anything i could ever dream of.

and very importantly, i got a couple of highlights and, finally!, a cute haircut -- it makes all the difference. i was feeling frumpy and pasty and my hair was drab and the cut was kind of square-shaped. now i have a little bounce and some brightness, and i swear, i'm a new woman.

Compassion and a good haircut -- what else does a girl need?

A Girl Can Dream

2011-04-27T06:23:00.000-07:00

this life here, right now, is kinda "eh". sooo, i am perking up to get things going. a girl can dream -- dreaming, happily, is free.

sooo, the job is quite "eh". there's still pretty much nothing for me to do, and i get the really scut jobs, if any. it's not particularly good for the ego, BUT i am doing so much work on myself around it. i need a job, i need to pay my rent, i need benefits and this is where i am right now, and it really is okay

but, this is not where i have to be forever. that's where dreaming comes in. and that's how i'm going to spend some time today. where would i like to be? what kind of work sounds appealing? what do i want in a job, a home, a life? what do i want for myself. what's important to me? what are my values? what am i doing to live them?

i've sort of been biding time, trying to make the hours pass at work. but that's not how i want to spend my days -- life is too short to kill time. what can i do to make the most of this life?

i'm a little nervous. will i get overwhelmed, as i do so often? will i decide i'm too under-qualified for everything i want in life? will my old negative voices kick in, as they always have in the past? and then what will i do to bring in new, hopeful voices?

hmm, we'll see.

Done

2011-04-26T09:18:00.000-07:00

i'm shutting down the gum and candy. i just emptied my purse and put all my goodies out for my colleagues. they're in bubble gum heaven.

i've had enough. it's kind of like when i put down the drink -- i was done.

after work, i'm off to the dentist to have two cavities filled. that's FOUR total this year. i've had tons of cavities and several root canals. ouch. i'm sure it's all the gum and candy (none sugarless).

plus, it's obsessive and just a replacement for food, alcohol, drugs....whatever. i've used whatever i can to calm myself.

we'll see what happens. it's going to be pretty uncomfortable, i'm sure. uh, very sure. (hope i don't take up smoking!)

but i want to make this change. i want to be healthier. i want to be free of all my obsessive chewing and sucking; all my comforting through snacks.

writing this here on the blog is meant to help keep me "honest". i'll be checking back with status updates.

i'm not touching coffee and diet soda. yet.

Sending the Food Journal

2011-04-24T09:07:00.000-07:00

i'm procrastinating typing up my food journal and sending it to Mary. i was completely honest, and it's somewhat embarrassing. i'm too mortified to tell you guys how many pieces of bubble gum i chew in a day. and how many diet sodas go down.

i truly hadn't realized how many old habits i still have! but i am excited to start fresh -- to give my body a chance to be happy and healthy.

On a different topic (well, it's really the same topic, isn't it?), i'm a little nervous about Easter. I haven't been nervous about a holiday in years, but this time i way 15 pounds more than i have in many years, and i'm not as comfortable.

Plus, we're eating early which, historically, is tough for me. And i'm going to my best friend's house. His mother is the best cook of all time, and makes enough wonderful Easter food to feed the Tri-State. and THEN she also makes enough Italian food to please Rome -- all from scratch.

Growing up, i spent most Christian holidays (i'm Jewish) at my best friends house. Christmas Eve AND Christmas day were gastronomic miracles. At different points in my eating disorder, i'd have varying amounts of difficulty with the meals BUT i loved his family so much and being with them and for once, feeling a part of a family, that it didn't much matter. i was just gloriously happy to be with them.

i haven't seen the family in over ten years. we were all living in different areas, and i had my own (crazy) life.

this year, i invited myself. my parents are gone, my brother and i still aren't on particularly good terms, and my sister's in Pittsburgh. I WANT FAMILY.

i've been praying a lot about it. i want to go and enjoy the company and catching up with everyone. i want to enjoy a nice meal but keep the focus on the joy of this beautiful sunny day spent with people who are so dear.

i'll let you know..

Some Help

2011-04-21T05:31:00.000-07:00

i just made my first entry in my first ever food journal. it's kind of a breakthrough. Never, ever before, in all my 47 years, have i shared my food intake with another human being. what i ate was between me and my eating disorder and that was that -- a sacred pact. I refused to share with any therapist or nutritionist. None of their nosey business, i told myself

Until now.

I've been displeased with what i've been eating and how my body feels lately. I've been leaning on diet sodas, sucking candies and late night snacking. It just doesn't feel healthy.

but i hadn't known what to do or where to turn. then it hit me -- a lovely woman in AA is a nutritionist who had nearly my exact eating/food/body issues. She's been doing great for years (she, Mary, also has something like 20 years of sobriety.)

Mary always looks great and healthy and she's got a very happy and full life. And I like her.

Yesterday, I got her number from a friend and called her. She was WONDERFUL and truly "got" where i'm at and knew exactly what i was talking about. another plus, we're about the same age with one major difference -- she feels great and has lots of energy. Me, not so much.

Mary offered to work with me in any way she can. She told me to write down everything i eat for three days and we'll look at that and go from there.

I am beyond excited and relieved. Mary really has everything in perspective -- she eats for nourishment, and she eats healthfully BUT she used to be just like me.

I'm also thrilled that she has a really solid Twelve Step background. On the AA front, she's a true leader who's founded meetings and sponsored many, many women.

That's why i just made my first entry in my food journal and i have no problem with it. My new, free life awaits!

Just the Way I Am

2011-04-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

i want to remember that i am fine the way i am.

yes, i want to find a way to feel more free around food and weight. i would like food to truly settle into its proper role -- fueling and nourishing.

when i'm depressed and bored and frustrated, sad or upset, i want to turn to God, not to Werther's caramels. and i'm hoping i'll find some resources in OA and all my reading that will allow me to take the steps toward the freedom i seek.

yet, i also want to be okay with myself, just as i am right now. i am a fine, healthy weight. would the ED in me like me to weigh less? sadly, it's still a yes. so, part of my process is learning to accept me for me.

maybe i don't want a food plan? maybe, i don't mind eating the way i do now? i don't really over-eat. i truly like healthy food, in general. i do eat dinner very late, but i always have (my mom worked very late when i was little and dinner was often past 10 pm.) i never let myself get famished. i don't binge or purge.

but i do still use food for comfort. i definetely lean on diet soda to get me thru the day. and all the gum and candy. i'm getting tired of it, yet i can't seem to slow down or stop. hmmm, guess i do need some help here.

good to know.

Figuring it Out

2011-04-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

it started with eating. sure, later i found drugs, alcohol, spending, obsessing about men...

but it started with food.

i'm going to get to the bottom of this. i'm going to be okay.

i've been reading a great book, Food: The Good Girl's Drug, by Sunny Sea Gold. It's all about binge-eating. i identified one million percent. my eating disorder started with binging, day and night. after i gained 70 pounds, i caught the starving disease. starving, as it so often does, lead me to binging, then purging.

i've come a loooong way, baby, but i still worry about my weight, still think of food when in need of comfort, still look forward to eating alone at night and well, i haven't got this down yet.

i'm going to. i'm not giving up until i'm living in this world content with my body and having food in its proper place.

AMEN.

Saturday, i'm going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. i've never been before. i'm not sure it's for me, but i'm interested in seeing how it works. AA, of course, changed my life in every way, but it makes more sense -- you can (you must) abstain from alcohol. but food? we'll see.

i've decided to make a study of this whole thing on my path to real freedom.

Ciao, ED.

Hormones and the ED

2011-04-18T16:43:00.000-07:00

...with apologies to men. and anyone else who doesn't feel like hearing about this. also, maybe triggering?

yes, it's that time of the month. the time where i'm completely on edge and grimacing, no matter what you or anyone else says. it's the time where i am crippled for 2.5 days of pulsating cramps -- yes, i swear they vibrate. and now is the time when no pants (not even one's from ten pounds up) fit. as i write this, my super stretch jeans are unbuttoned, and i'm about to change into sweats before i head out to pick up Chinese food for dinner.

of course, there's nothing wrong with getting Chinese food. there's nothing wrong with eating dinner.

but why did i think about food all day? why did i think food would comfort my screeching, exploding belly? a "normal" person, (read: someone not reared on bingeing, purging, and starving) would want nothing less than a meal at these particular moments. in fact, they might have to force themselves to eat some rice or crackers or something to coat their stomachs before they take their next five Advil.

hmmmm. come to think about it, maybe i really just need some rice and maybe some gentle protein to fuel my body and coat my stomach before gobbling afforementioned ibuprofen.

this post sounds like the "old" me. hormones make me cuckoo. i'm thinking about not posting this -- is it pissy? resentful? vaguely nasty? is it triggering?

is it? please let me know. i have no perspective at this moment. Thanks!

comparing ourselves

2011-04-16T11:40:00.000-07:00

turns out, the gorgeous woman who sits next to me at work weighs exactly what i do. how happy am i -- she's perfect, so i must be okay.

but here's the thing -- why am i comparing myself to every human on earth? i'll even watch my guy friends eat and gauge what i'm eating against what they consume. with the guy i'm seeing i'll hear myself thinking, "he's 5'11 and weighs 170; i'm 5'6 and 135. he ate a whole sandwich, but i had more potatoes..." how ridiculous.

i compare myself to everyone about everything, actually. i think everyone's better, smarter, funnier... mostly, i assume everyone knows better than i do.

i'm starting to work on this. it's SUCH a habit -- it's shockingly constant. at this point, i'm more noticing than taking action - it's so ingrained.

i'm working to ground myself in myself. THIS is where i am and who i am right now, separate from other people and who they are.

it actually feels odd. i've always gauged who i am against other people.

hmmm.

My Answer

2011-04-13T15:05:00.000-07:00

A.A. in Two Words

"All A.A. progress can be reckoned in terms of just two words: humility and responsibility. Our whole spiritual development can be accurately measured by our degree of adherence to these magnificent standards.

Ever deepening humility, accompanied by an ever greater willingness to accept and to act upon clear-cut obligations - these are truly our touchstones for all growth in the life of the spirit. They hold up to us the very essence of right being and right doing. It is by them that we are enabled to find and to do God's will."

Bill Wilson from a talk in 1965 (Printed in Grapevine in 1966)

i didn't know what else to do. Humility seems to be my answer. Work is finally fine. I realize nothing is beneath me (except denigrating or judging others)-- this is where i am in life. Learning and practicing humility is something i've never done before. it's actually kind of interesting and it's makes everything, well, just fine.

as for taking responsibility -- living up to my side of the bargain, changing the things i can and accepting the things i can't -- well, that's pretty cool too.

these two words bring me great peace and freedom.

Not a Problem

2011-04-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

i'm going to mention my weight and my eating, so if that's difficult for anyone, i completely understand.

I'm 5'6, and this morning I weighed 135 at the boy's house. That's the most i weighed in years and years and years. It's fine, and I look fine, but i'm no longer super thin, as i was for years. In my mind, being slim was one of my best (and only)claims to fame

Last summer, when my world was so crazy and i was drinking like crazy, i weighed 110. SUPER skinny -- i looked awful.

I've gained a lot of this weight recently and quickly. I'm sure that my horrible new work hours and unhappiness in the job have contributed to this burst of pounds - eating out of boredom comes into play. and with the weird hours, my body's not sure when it's truly hungry or if it's just tired.

BUT i've been eating differently and better. I used to live on salad and red wine. i had to seriously restrict to keep my weight light.

so, i'm no longer exclusive with salad. i'm now dating around. this must be fairly confusing for my body -- red meat! potato salad! butter!

I'm still okay, though. In the past i would have created a problem somewhere where there wasn't a problem

My weight is fine. I'm fine. The guy I'm seeing doesn't have an ounce of diminished passion, because i'm heavier than when he met me.

i was raised to believe that people would like me less if i weighed more. i was raised to believe this was acceptable. now, i believe neither. if someone's opinion of me changes because of weight gain, i don't want to know that crazy person.

i was raised to believe that all men would have no interest in me if i weighed more. so far, not the case. it's still a little difficult for me to believe, but the proof is in the.....well, the bedroom

this is still a work in progress, but it's good. i do wonder, though, if this bothers any of my readers -- talking about my quick weight gain? i don't want to scare anyone. my body has always really, really loved weight. and i don't exercise at all, (that's something i need to look at for my health and bones.)

it's my experience that when most people start eating more naturally, they don't gain anywhere near what i have. each body is different.

this journey has it's moments, but i find it pretty liberating and not particularly scarey. i'd love your feedback and reactions

Accepting Weight Gain

2011-04-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Russian peasant stock. That's what i come from. All of my ancestors were strong and hearty and healthy. NOT thin.

i've written about this before, but it's coming up again. i'm not naturally thin. my body loves to gain weight and does so quite quickly and easily.

as i've been letting myself be about food, i've definetely put on weight. as i've forgone the daily weigh-in, my pants have tightened indeed. however, this is what's supposed to happen, i'm sure, for MY body.

i weighed myself at a friends' a few nights ago, and i'm now up 15 pounds since last year at this time. that's 35 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. am i healthier, you betcha. am i happier, YES. and i'm no longer living on red wine and salad.

i look like an adult woman, which makes a lot of sense, since that's what i am.

still, it can be difficult. i'd assumed that if i learned to eat intuitively, i would somehow end up nicely thin (not skinny). for many people, that happens. but i have to accept, as i've said, that i'm not naturally thin. i don't know what my natural weight is yet, but i want to be ready to accept it, no matter where it falls.

until then, i'm hanging in there, literally loosening my belt and staying away from the scale as much as possible. i also (and this is corny) look in the mirror and tell myself i look just fine. this actually works. i do look fine.

my guy friend pays me lovely compliments (love that!)and seems to find me pretty attractive.

i'm eating well. not binging, purging or starving. and i'm living life.

pretty good, if you think about it.

What to do About My Job?

2011-04-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

my new job's got me depressed. well, i guess i'm letting myself get depressed.

i have worked really diligently to keep myself from griping and moaning and whining and blowing off the steam. today, i need to vent. please forgive the rant.

there is NOTHING to do here. why did they hire me? I sense they thought it would be busier.

when i say i do nothing, take it literally. every once in a while, they hand me some grunt work -- make a few copies, send a fax, order lunch, pull a couple of files. other than that, i spend 8 hours trying to look busy. i fail.

i'm just not sure what to do. i'm considering checking to see if my old job will take me back. who knows if they would -- i left after only six months, thinkng this here was a good oppty. my last job didn't thrill, but it was fine.

i was happy then -- happy with my life, my adorable little apartment, my AA meetings, my friends. now, i'm depressed and obsessed -- all i can talk or think about is how bored i am all day. dread.

i need a job/paycheck, OF COURSE. and benefits, so it's not like i can just walk.

should i give it a chance? my boss tells me it will get busier and there is oppty, but can i make it, doing nothing for 40 hours per week until who knows when?

everyone is very nice. it's a small family business in a very small office. i like that's it's super casual -- i could wear pajamas and no one would care. if i need to leave early or take a day off, they don't care at all, and they'd pay me, even though i've been here only a few weeks.

still, i'm not a morning person and the job starts at 7:30, and its 45 minutes from my house. at my old job, i got in at 9:30 and it was 12 minutes from home. my sleep was, for the first time, great. now, i have so much trouble again -- getting to sleep and staying asleep. i'm always exhausted

also, food's more problematic here -- i've over-tired, bored and unhappy. and they're ALL obsessed with food. they order lunch before 10 am.

i'm certainly building a case for leaving, aren't i? but it's scarey -- i do need that paycheck and who knows, maybe the next job i'd find would be AWFUL. i hate job-jumping too.

does anyone have any suggestions or thoughts on this? i find myself pretty confused and bummed.

THANKS!

Clothes That Fit

2011-04-04T09:19:00.000-07:00

Yes, my clothes are too tight. As i write this, i'm wriggling around in some jeggings that used to fit just fine. now, there's muffin top rolling over the front of my jeans. happily, i have a big sweatshirt that skims my (newly full) thighs. unhappily, i struggle to breathe.

i've been ignoring the fact that my clothes are just too tight. i kind of wondered were my weight would land after i got better adjusted to the crazy hours of the new job. but instead of floating back down, as i'd truly suspected would happen, things are still going up, up and away.

i'm hanging in. i'm genuinely interested in where this all will settle. i'm just doing what i'm doing and living a good life and wondering what size my body wants to be.

it's not always easy, but i can put it aside and go on with my life. i think i look like a normal person -- i'm not special in my thinness or special in my heaviness. i'm average. nothing about my weight or eating or body image is special. but, i can be special as a person.

so yes, i'm okay with body changes BUT what about my wardrobe? i can't afford new clothes.

ahh -- there's a bright side. it's almost summer -- i'll bet all my sundresses and t-shirt dresses will fit. problem avoided. YAY

Free from Weight Tyranny

2011-03-31T10:31:00.000-07:00

it's amazing, but i really don't care what i weigh. i really don't.

of course, i don't always know what i weigh anymore, so what's to actually care about.

the thing is -- i look fine, and i'll look fine if i get bigger. i trust (trust, me?) that i probably won't get too much bigger,anyway, because i pretty much eat normal-esque portions when i'm hungry and don't often get too full. why don't i get too full -- because it doesn't feel great and i like to feel good.

i find i don't need to feel so filled with food because my life is richer. i love and adore my new apartment, my new friends, my new attitude toward life. i am appreciative and grateful and see where things were once so much worse. and there are wonderful people in my corner now.

sure, i re-visited eating-to-soothe in the first two weeks of my new job. but it was okay and even manageable. yes, i chewed a lot of gum and sucked a lot of hard candies to calm my nerves and anxiety. did it help -- in a way, yeah. now, i'm feeling calmer and pretty darn good.

as i mentioned in my last post, i did note a few extra pounderoos when i jumped on my friends scale last week. but then i jumped off the scale and had dinner with that friend. life went on, i ENJOYED the evening and i was fine.

when i say i "enjoyed" the evening, i mean that i could be present and part of the conversation. we watched a movie, and i saw the movie. i wasn't worrying about what i'd weighed or what i'd eaten or what i'd weigh tomorrow or what i'd eat tomorrow.

talk about freedom.

re; my weight. i obsessed over every ounce of it for most of my life. even as i was healing and allowing myself to settle at a healthy weight, i still watched that weight with every inch of my 20/20 vision. even as i stopped throwing up and taking laxatives and binging and starving, even then i lived by the digits. when they went up, i'd freak -- sometimes a little and sometimes a little more.

not now.

i'm dating someone new, and he seems perfectly happy with my body. for some odd and unknown reason, i've been getting asked out a lot lately, which as i said in an earlier post, i find bizarre. people, i'm going to be 47 in June! no one asked me out in my 20s or 30s, and i was thinner then.

and there you go. nobody liked me more when i was supermodel thin. not one person, although i really thought they would. they didn't.

i CERTAINLY DIDN'T LIKE ME at all when i was supermodel thin and obsessed with weight, then drugs and later, alcohol.

now there's some peace. is there perfection? absolutely not. i'm a work in progress but now, i see a lot of progress.

that's free.

Here I Am

2011-03-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Is it possible that i haven't posted in over a month in a half? Unbelievable.

Life has been busy. I did change jobs and am not sure at all that i made the right choice. This was a risk, and i knew it. i wasn't thrilled at my old job, and this new gig seemed like a potential opportunity. i wasn't all excited to start, but i thought it could be better than my last job AND it did seem to have potential.

the jury is out, way out, but i'm hanging in. to be continued i'm sure.

with the new job came some anxious times. prior to switching positions, i was sooo darn happy -- loving my wonderful new home, enjoying my freedom, loving my AA friends and feeling really free from my addictions, one and all.

once i started the new job, a lot changed and i've struggled some little bit with wanting to eat just to comfort myself. yet, i'm ok. i've begun finding balance again.

the schedule is really different. i have to be here at 7;30am, and i have nearly an hours drive. before, i got to work at 9;30 and it was 12 minutes away from the new home.

i'm a night person and dislike the morning. and i'm entirely bored at the job, so i started reaching for sucking candies and gum and coffee with my usual vats of cream. i'd suck and sip compulsively. yick.

for the first two weeks, i allowed myself to suck to my heart's content (discontent?). i had too much else to worry about.

and it was okay. was i thrilled? no. but i was thrilled that i could accept that i, temporarily, wanted external comfort, and it was okay that, temporarily, i gave in.

do i feel like i've gained a few? yup. and i'm still okay. in fact, i stepped on my friend's scale, and i saw that i did, indeed, gain a few. the miracle -- i'm still ok. i still don't have a scale at home. and that is, truly, a miracle.

i also had some thoughts of drinking, which i haven't had. it's been over six months (yay!). but i didn't drink. instead, i looked at my issues and worked on working them thru, versus trying to solve my issues thru a bottle, especially since that never worked anyway!

life isn't perfect. the important fact is learning i can cope -- without binging or starving or drinking or taking klonopin or ambien.

i'm okay. and that's wonderful.

i don't seem to care much about my weight

2011-02-16T19:50:00.000-08:00

did I write that, "i don't seem to care much about my weight?" WOW.

i just wrote that in response to a comment on my last post and then i stopped -- i guess i DID write that. could it be true?

i last weighed myself 12 days ago. it's a pretty big deal for me, indeed.

hand in hand with jumping off the scale, twelve days ago, i left D. and my home of 3 1/2 years. since then, i've been living on my own, in my own place for the first time in years. in the last 12 days, i went on a job interview and got offered a job (which i think i'm going to take tomorrow.) i've helped facilitate an AA workshop and lead a meeting. And i've felt friendships grow and develop, even in the last 12 days.

so much has happened and changed and moved me forward happily and with powerful strides.

on some levels, in the scheme of things, it seems trivial that i haven't stepped on scale. yet, we all know how huge this is.

speaking of huge....the "elephant" in the room. will i grow huge without the "kick your ass" guardianship of the scale.

i don't know. i have no idea how much i care.

my weight is definetely up. i look better. i feel better. what if it goes up more? i don't know. my range of "fine" keeps going up.

this is all rather startling. i find i love being startled!

Great Weight/No Scale

2011-02-13T21:42:00.000-08:00

i feel like i'm at a great weight, but i wouldn't know. i haven't weighed myself in over a week!!!!!! i don't own a scale. YAYYYYYY.

i can't remember the last time i went more than a couple of days without hopping on that digital monster. and during those days, i was really kinda nervous. now, well, i have some brand new trust that things will be fine.

i was up 8 pounds when i moved out last Saturday. i'm assuming i'm somewhere in that range now, but it doesn't seem to matter.

as i make lists of what i need in my fabulous new home, every once once in a while i'll think, "oh, maybe i should get a scale." but then that thought drifts out. in truth, i really need to watch my pennies and i certainly don't NEED a scale. toilet brush - yes. vacuum - yes. tampons -- yes, a true necessity. Scale -- uh, if i have a couple extra bucks, i'd rather have a latte.

isn't it nice that the scale loses? ha ha!

let freedom ring.

Internet's coming

2011-02-09T08:02:00.000-08:00

i'm getting internet service at my wonderful new home today, so i'll be back in blog world. i've been computer-free at home since Saturday. no TV either. quite peaceful, actually.

i am so looking forward to sitting down and catching up on blogs. (i'm writing this quickly from work-- personal stuff is HIGHLY frowned upon.)

i love, love, love my new home. i couldn't be happier.

AND -- i don't have a scale. haven't weighed myself since Saturday morning. i was totally a daily weigher. this is grrrreat.

gotta run back to work. more later -- when i get internet service. YIPPEE

Moving Day is Here

2011-02-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone. I'm moving today! i can't believe it. I'm going to have my own apartment.

i haven't written much lately, because everything's been a wild whirlwind of activity swirling around. but i found a nice place that's much closer to work == half hour closer each way. and i'll be standing on my own two feet (a little scarey financially, but that's the way the adult world works.

i'm super tired today -- up all night packing and there's a BIG day ahead. Can't wait for the end of the day, when i curl up on my own bed in my own apartment where the heat is great. yippee!

a bunch of guys from AA are moving me. i am so lucky and grateful. my life is not the life i had six months ago -- not by a loooong shot

if i'm not in blog world for a little, you guys know why. also, i missed the cable guys at the new apartment the other day, so i don't have internet or tv yet

the guys are here. gotta run

Sexy

2011-01-28T12:41:00.001-08:00

I’ve gained 7 pounds and I feel….sexy? is that possible? Could I actually feel more attractive with seven MORE pounds?

Yes, I was really comfortable seven pounds ago –lean & healthy– I could slither into my favorite jeans even after they’d been tossing in the dryer for way too long. I thought I looked great.

But here I am, 7 pounds heavier and feeling fine. And just a little hot.

If you’re anything like me, you rarely feel sexy. Somehow, weight-watching took away my zesty gene. There wasn’t much room (no room) for hips, thighs or boobs.

Now, look at me. I’m looking kind of round. My bra’s a bit too tight. There’s a little belly pooching out against my pants (I didn’t wear jeans – they’re not that comfortable today!)

So, I’m bopping around work. Look at me! Don’t I look like a real woman?! Woo hoo.

This is wild AND wildly wonderful. I feel grrrrreat.

And I’m not restricting or thinking of restricting. In fact, I’m letting myself be. That feels grrrreat too.

I have been weighing myself (obviously, as I know I’ve gained 7 pounds), but what if I stop? Does it really matter what I weigh? Uhm, there’s an interesting question…

The fact is, the chances are, I’m not going to gain the zillion pounds I’ve always feared. I eat healthfully and moderately with little treats.

Wow, I almost sound like a normal person. Uhm, did I say that?

Going Natural

2011-01-20T09:59:00.000-08:00

I’ve posted before about my seriously low self-esteem when it comes to my looks. Way too much time and money (and I mean WAY TOO MUCH) has gone to cover and disguise my natural appearance.

With all the positive changes in me and my life, I’ve begun to lose interest. Does anyone care if my fingers and toes aren’t professionally manicured?

I used to wear so much make-up; I truly believed I looked UNACCEPTABLE if I wasn’t FULLY made-up at all times. I was embarrassed in front of my boyfriend in the morning. Last March, I went to Macy’s and spent $785 on cosmetics. And you have to know I had tons of make-up at home. Yes, that’s right - $785

Now, I slap on eyeliner and lipgloss, during the week. They both wear off by noon, BUT I DON’T CARE. I think it’s fine. I don’t cringe deeply when I look in the mirror. Wow.

I got Lasix eye surgery a year ago, and it’s thrilling to see, but really –I thought I was hideous with glasses. I recently saw picture of me with glasses and you know what – NOT HIDEOUS.

My biggest stumbling block was always my huge frizzy, brillo-pad hair. I straighten it professionally and have it dyed blonde pretty frequently.

Suddenly, it doesn’t look like me to me. I’ve been pouring through old pictures of my mousy brown mop-top and………..well, that's me.

This transformation of thinking amazes and thrills me. It’s brilliant to put my time and efforts into other things (anything!) but my appearance. And to I think that I look okay….well that’s priceless.

Saturday, I’m heading off to the hairdresser and going back to brown. Back to basics. Back to me.

Bored/Anxious/Depressed

2011-01-18T13:23:00.001-08:00

Work is really, really slow, and I work on commission. I’ve been cold calling and calling and calling, but nobody’s hiring. My boss is NOT happy. And I hate cold-calling.

If I’m not cold-calling, I’m working hard to look busy, but I am truly running out of ideas.

Right now, it’s making me anxious and depressed. I have that bleary-eyed, foggy thinking, brain befuddled thing going on. I’m getting a little sweaty. And there’s two more hours to go. AND this is the time of day where it gets even slower.

I don’t mind the job at all if work is consistent or busy, but that’s just not happening lately. Every day stretches before me. I sit next to my supervisor who wiggles if I’m not on the phone, making or taking calls.

I’m a little worried about my job – if I’m not taking ads, I’m pretty superfluous.

I daydream about going back to school but am not sure how, exactly, to afford this. Do I want to take loans at my age and end up in big debt? I just got my credit back and don’t owe any money at the moment. AAAARGH.

I don’t know what to do about work. I’ve only been here four months. I’d really like to be able to stay here and support myself. I don’t want a different job at the moment. All I’m qualified for is more of the same. As I said, I don’t mind this job if I have enough work to do.

What do other people do when they’re bored, anxious and depressed at work? Anybody hiring?!

How I looked

2011-01-17T08:14:00.001-08:00

Yesterday, I pulled out some old pictures and found a photo from my brother’s first wedding, when I was fifteen – 31 years ago.

For the last 31 years, I’ve told anyone who’d listen that I was a hideous child – very, very heavy, frizzy hair, braces, glasses and acne. Recently, I’ve been wondering if that was really true. Was I truly ugly or was that just ingrained thinking?

Well, according to this wedding photo, I was a perfectly normal-looking kid. Yes, I was heavier than I am now. Yes, the braces were already off at this point and my sister had tamed my hair for the photo, and I’d taken my glasses off but still – I looked like a normal teenaged girl.

If you read my post about my niece’s weight, my sister was appalled that my niece at 5’4, weighed nearly 150 pounds. I think that’s just fine. My niece is healthy and very active with lots of energy and lots of great friends.

At 15, I was probably 5’5 and 150 pounds. I thought I was heinous and crashed dieted and binged and starved and took diuretics and shortly after, found laxatives. My mother dragged me from Weight Watchers to diet doctors (pep pills!) to NutraSystem. We tried the Beverly Hills diet, Atkins, Scarsdale, just for starters.

I gained an additional 40 pounds, all from misery.

What if I’d been raised to believe that I was fine at 5’5 and 150? What if I’d never known Weight Watchers or multi-colored pills or fruit fasts?

I wonder.

Jane Fonda's Weight

2011-01-13T08:04:00.000-08:00

Academy Award winner Jane Fonda has a new exercise video coming out.

Ms Fonda has a history of anorexia and bulimia but says she's absolutely healthy now. I hope that's true. i've always kind of felt sorry for her. She never seemed very happy or comfortable with life or her body. Her husbands cheated on her, she got breast implants and now she says she's had more work done.

Still, she says she's happy and healthy -- that's according to an interview I just read in People magazine

Here's what worried me. Ms. Fonda says she now maintains 121 lbs on her 5'8 body. That, in itself, sounds awfully thin. Then i wondered, knowing that she's 121, not 120 or 125 or about 120ish, suggests that she's really watching that scale. From there, i wonder if she's 121 on every scale, her scale, her doctor's scale...

Something about Jane fonda always makes me sad. This was no different

About my Niece's Weight

2011-01-11T09:28:00.000-08:00

Just a warning. i talk about height and weight in this post.

My sister was telling me that my niece's weight is really an issue. Jessica, now 15, stands 5'4 and, my sister stage-whispered with horror, "must weigh 150.

My naturally skinny sister talked on and on about the tips she wants to give Jessica. (I'm sorry, but naturally skinny people don't get to give diet tips! i don't believe in diet tips, of course, but they're even worse coming from someone who's never dieted in her life)

of course, i worried about this all day. here's the letter i wrote my sister last night.

if it's possible, can you forget about the weight? i know it makes her unhappy, but if you can, don't add to that unhappiness. she'll find her way.

i thought i was the ugliest thing on earth because the family so valued slimness. i work with two zaftig women who think they're gorgeous. and they are. all the men chase them. and these women are 5'4 and about 170. i know, because they tell me. they're adorable.

if you can't live comfortably with her at 5'4 and 150, really think about that. she's healthy. she's wonderful. does it really matter how she looks? does she really look "bad"? does it matter to you?

we're a weird society. leave her alone and give some thought to why she feels the need to eat so much. is it anxiety? or...?

i would definetely not give suggestions based on how you do it.

what would happen if when she complained, you said, "jessuca, you're beautiful and you're healthy. if you're unhappy, let me know what i can do to help. but as long as you're healthy, you're weight isn't particularly important."

what IS important about jessica?

if this feels really hard, think about it. i was sure that you and mom loved me less because of my weight. i loathed myself. i wouldn't take that risk with jessica.

if this feels really hard, think about it.

just my opinion, but i feel pretty confident here. help jessica feel glorious at every weight. please

Forgiveness

2011-01-04T20:48:00.000-08:00

I forgave my mother on Sunday.

I realized she was broken too, and I forgave her. Yes, in many ways, she wasn’t the mother I might have wanted, but by holding on to ever single thing she ever did and said, I made it all worse. As I re-lived each “wrong” over and over and over and over, I experienced each miserable experience over and over.

In a way, I loved my resentments. They were what I knew, they kept me righteous and they gave me purpose. Poor me, what an awful childhood – I need a drink. Poor me - let me pop a pill to space out the world

But the drink, the pills, the binging, the purging, the starving -- they made me miserable and took away my chance to move forward and to be free.

My mother had a difficult life, my mother was broken too - i forgive her.

My mother was a beautiful pianist. Her parents wanted her to be a secretary, but my mother paid her way through Juilliard by teaching piano lessons. At 16, she moved to New York and supported herself living on the Upper West Side. Mom was so smart and charismatic and engaged in life. When my mother got her Parkinson's diagnose, she went to Thailand and rode a camel.

I look like my mother and smile when people tell me that.

For most of my life, I forgot all these lovely things and only remembered all the negative and lived the hurts over and over and over.

I forgive her as so many have forgiven me.

I loved my mother.

Do try this exercise at home.

PANCAKES

2010-12-28T13:32:00.000-08:00

Pancakes were a big binge food of mine. i haven't eaten them in at least five years, if not more. they were always just so scarey for me.

in the last couple of weeks, i've been making them for dinner on a regular basis. i love them. i eat a normal amount, i savor them and then i'm completed satisfied.

i never really thought i'd eat pancakes again, but here i am. woo hoo. happy days are here again!

food really feels different these day. yesterday, i was snowbound and struggling with mean cramps. i slept, took a bath and watched movies. and i ate cookies and leftovers and the beloved pancakes. it was all kind of hodge podge and not exactly balanced, but i was perfectly happy.

things really are different. i'm satisfied with meals and then forget about food until the next right time to eat. isn't that wild?

i'm clean and sober and getting comfortable with food. now, i really am free to plan my life. it's a little scarey; yet, how great is this?!!!

My Sister and I

2010-12-20T08:28:00.000-08:00

There's been distance between my sister and me. I've always felt she has a hard time communicating about the deep stuff. We get along on a nice, surfacey level, but i never thought she wanted to or could handle the dark side.

My sister is getting some cosmetic surgery today. I've been in more frequent touch, as today grew closer. I wanted her to know how much i support her in her choice and how brave i think she is for having the courage to get up on the operating table. she's so excited about the procedure -- i'm very happy for her.

During a conversation last night, my sister shared some personal issues that are troubling her. She's my very big sister and has always felt more like a mother to me, so this was new. I did my best to be supportive. At one point, I said "M. I love you so much". she paused. we don't say "I love you to each other". She said, "I love you too, Mel". We continued talking and as we ended the conversation she said, "I love you" again.

Wow. I felt closer to her than I've felt in my 46 years. My sister and I have had our issues, particularly through my crazy years. She didn't understand eating disorders, drugs and alcohol and all my other issues. She didn't understand why i couldn't just "get better", as she always has.

When i was in the deepest depths of my drug use, she shut me out and we didn't speak. This has stuck with me for years. The other day, i was bemoaning this, once again, to my sponsor who said, "Good for her". "She has children and her family to protect, and she did you a favor for not enabling you."

Oh. i NEVER saw it like that. My sponsor was right. I've felt much kinder and gentler toward my sister ever since.

I always put her on such a pedestal. She was so pretty, naturally thin, popular and such a hard worker. she married a smart, handsome doctor and raised the loveliest children. My sister hasn't worked in 20 years and never has to.

Now, I begin to see her humanity -- she's becoming a whole living, breathing woman to me.

My parents are gone, my brother and family don't speak to me. I am thrilled beyond words to be developing this new closeness with my sister.

My heart is all filled up.

told you so, Mrs. Obama

2010-12-14T06:42:00.000-08:00

i'm just stealing liberally from an article i read online. I've raged before about the WAR on childhood obesity. Here we go:

A new study has shown that the massive push to keep kids from becoming obese has created a new problem. According to the report issued today, the kids of the US are starting to develop more eating disorders, something that has largely been blamed on the fact that so many people are pushing children away from the obesity issue. It seems that now the kids are so afraid of becoming obese that they are losing perspective.

The doctors who are treating these eating disorders have noted that scaring children into living healthy is probably not the best way to go. Often children will take extreme measures to avoid something that they consider to be scary or dangerous.

Schools all over the US are reporting that eating disorders are on the rise and many say that they are having a difficult time getting many students to even eat the healthy meals that have been specifically designed to keep them safe

Many thanks to all the researchers who did the work for me. One thing they forgot to mention -- if kids are eating to the extent that they become obese, what's going on? perhaps therapy would do as much as, if not more, than an apple to help them heal.

DUI checkpoint

2010-12-11T09:01:00.000-08:00

On the way home from an evening out last night, I was stopped at a DUI checkpoint and then randomly selected for further inspection. I had pullover, speak to an officer and have my car checked.

off i headed to the inspection area, where the policeman sniffed my breath, asked me a bunch of questions and flashed his flashlight all over my car.

all was fine, of course, except the officer was stupified that anyone would choose to just drink lemonade on a Friday night!

it was late and i was glad to leave the area and head home to bed. it hits me now that all around me at the checkpoint, drivers were being delayed and made to step out of their cars. one guy looked fairly intoxicated.

that so easily could have been me. i often drove home (very carefully) after a few drinks, knowing that if i were stopped, i would have had too many. during all that time, i never encountered a DUI checkpoint. it wouldn't have been good.

reason number 2 million to never drink again!!!!!

i was pretty darn proud of myself.

HOPE

2010-12-09T13:29:00.001-08:00

Although I’m really not hungry or in the mood, I’m eating a white chocolate coconut and walnut cookie at work. I’m eating it because my colleague baked them for me and so wanted me to try one.

From this occurrence we learn – there is hope.

There was a time, a long long time this one cookie would have caused panic and rage. Terror that I might find myself eating that cookie, Fury that someone else gets to eat a cookie AND manical rage that anyone would try to make me eat it.

For a very long, long time, I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have eaten the cookie, no matter how my co-worker (who is senior to me) cajoled.

I write this because for 30 years, I was 100% sure there was no hope for me. My eating disorder (and drugs and alcohol) were going to rule every moment of the rest of my life, just as they had destroyed the time before.

My life entailed starving all day, drinking tons of wine, binging for hours, purging to the wee hours and popping laxative and a few Ambien to try to squeeze in some sleep before work. I’d wake up sick and exhausted and start the process again. This was every single day. This was sheer misery. And I saw no relief. Never, ever.

Now, I get up, drink fresh juice, have little snacks, eat lunch, a small snack, dinner and some dessert. No binging, no starving, no purging, no drinking and no drugs - never, ever.

Do I still watch too carefully? Sometimes. Is it all natural and easy enough? Sometimes. Is there work to be done? Yes, but now, sometimes, I have real peace.

I never, never, ever would have thought this possible.

I’d like to “talk” more about hope. What brings you hope? What have you done that’s worked in recovery? What do you hope for? Where do you stand with hope, itself?

We need to hear the positive. We need to know we can get deep into recovery, and we can recover.

A Real Meal

2010-12-06T11:53:00.000-08:00

i don't know if this post will trigger anyone. i talk a little bit about the food i ate.

Yesterday, I ate a real, grown-up dinner plus dessert and felt nothing but satisfied. Now that’s progress!

My boyfriend, D., came home from work early and we enjoyed a quick, normal lunch, then headed into NYC to see the tree and shops. Everything was so extraordinarily beautiful and awe-inspiring. I don’t think it’s ever looked so exquisite.

After walking around, we went out for dinner. D. doesn’t like eating out, so this was a nice treat. Recently, I dhaven't want to go out, because “who wants to eat out if you can’t have a drink.”, but i was cool last night. D. actually said he was looking forward to it (I don’t believe him for a minute – he did it for me) and I didn’t care about drinking. Wow.

Early in the day, I decided I was going to eat a real dinner of foods I usually don’t eat. Even if I wasn’t very hungry, I was going to get something truly tasty and eat as much of it as I wanted.

There was a lot of traffic, and we didn’t get to dinner until 10, but I still didn’t care, I was going to have a good dinner. I ordered EXACTLY what I wanted and enjoyed it thoroughly and heartily. We had great conversation over dinner and there was gentle, live music in the background. Nice.

Although I was full and satisfied, I still had a hankering for ice cream when I got home, and I made myself a small and tasty cone.

And that was that – no second thoughts, no remorse, no self-punishment. I could get used to this!

It IS funny that I’m making such a big deal about doing nothing but eating dinner, but it was a big deal. I look forward to it becoming mundane.

As i was re-reading this post, i realized it may sound like i don't usually eat healthful meals, and the fact of eating dinner was the coup. just to clarify, i do eat meals and maintain a healthy enough weight and i'm not obsessed with food and weight. i allow myself (small) treats and can eat out and go to events with relative ease. i say "relative" because i do have apprehensions sometimes, and some days are easier than others.

In general though, my meals are very simple and pretty lean. the portions fill me, but i never feel too full. it's rare that i'm eating a big slice of pizza or more than a bite of someone else's hamburger and fries. last night was a burger and fries AND salad kind of night. THAT'S what makes it so different and so exciting.

Bring on the nachos!

The Weight of the Flu

2010-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

Many thanks to everyone who responded to my last blogs. I am finally back on my feet and back at the job. Still not 100% but happy to be off the couch! Now that I'm "me" again, I'll be a much better comment responder. In the mean time, THANKS AGAIN!

Yes, I am on the mend and Yes, I did lose a few pounds with the flu. Weight loss is so darn complicated for us, isn't it?

I'd like to think that I was like a normal person with the flu -- I slept most of the time, so I wasn't eating during that time. I felt pretty dizzy, so i didn't really want to eat...

Or did I? I didn't want to want to eat but deep in my messy mind, food is always comforting AND the cure for all ills. I have a sinking feeling that if I knew I weren't ging to gain weight, I would probably have eaten quite a lot while I had the flu. I know normal people wouldn't, but let's face, when it comes to food -- I'm not normal!

What I DID do is kind watched what i ate. I knew broth was good for me, so i drank it. we know broth is low cal, so of course I drank it! i drank tea (which i don't like) because my boyfriend (gently) made me. (thank boyfriend!) I ate sweet potatoes, because they're soft and tasty and good for you. And in the refridgerator.

Other than that, i ate salad, which is ridiculous because my stomach was quite off. I also had sliver of pizza, because the boyfriend was eating it and it looked good. Oh yes, i ate ice cream, which is also ridiculous considerating the phlegm issue (sorry). Why was i eating ice cream? Well, i eat ice cream every day -- why should a little bronchitis stop me?

Overall, i see, I didn't not eat like a normal, intuitive eater. To some extent, I restricted, but on my own behalf, I wasn't that hungry.

And I lost a couple of pounds. Yes, I like the weight loss. I'm still a healthy weight. My My boyfriend would say I look better with a few more pounds. Most people would say I look better with a few more pounds. Only people with distortion would not say I look better with a few more pounds.

Why don't I?

The flu bug bit. Then chomped

2010-11-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

i know i've been complaining all over the blogosphere that i have the flu. it stinks. and until i finally bathed today, well nevermind, TMI

i'm torn about going to work tomorrow. i do feel better and don't seem to have a fever anymore, but i was sick for a number of days and could probably use one more day laying low. oh yeah, the hacking cough isn't pleasant either. still, it's a new job and i don't want to keep calling in sick. i really, really, really hope i feel better tomorrow. much better.

i haven't been out of the house since friday. it's pretty isolating. i haven't been to an AA meeting since last Wednesday and missed seeing my sponsor this weekend.

i WILL feel better and everything will be fine. it's just hard to remember when i'm feeling crummy and blue.

thanks for listening. i WILL feel better. can't wait

Turkey and Whine

2010-11-24T19:31:00.000-08:00

Today at work everyone talked about recipes and grocery shopping. Tomorrow, everyone will feast on all the trimmings. Friday, they'll come in to work complaining about how much they ate.

They'll also bring in many of their leftovers, hoping to give away calories. What if everyone gives their leftovers away ? Do we just keep passing around leftovers?

I don't really get the whole food thing anymore. What's so exciting? it's not that i want to binge or starve -- i just can't get that worked up about cranberry sauce and giblet gravy.

do i sound grumpy? i'm not. i think. maybe i'm just lazy. all the running around in traffic and packed supermarkets. all that cooking. all that eating and eating and then complaining about aforementioned eating.

and yes, (i am very lazy) all that clean up. Thanksgiving can seem like one endless chore.

on a day off, i'd rather sleep and read and take a bath and catch up with friends and then maybe meet buddies for a nice meal, without clumpy gravy.

harrumph. wait until Christmas -- I am Susie Scrooge. don't get me started on leftover Christmas cookies.

On another note, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

Have you "let yourself go"?

2010-11-23T14:37:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else noticed that when someone says, "she's really let herself go"?", it usually means "she's gained weight?

on my way home from AA, i sometimes listen to a Talk Radio show about relationships. they seem to talk about a woman's weight an awful lot. for example, the topic might be - why does a man cheat? one of the reason's that always comes up - his wife has "let herself go", meaning she's put on some pounds since the wedding.

when i hear "letting herself go", i picture a frazzled woman in her pajamas with hair on end and in deep need of a shower. but, for someone reason, she's thin. but that's me.

why does weight gain equal not taking care of yourself or not making a good appearance? and why on earth could it be considered grounds for infidelity?

Changing therapists?

2010-11-21T12:58:00.000-08:00

My therapist suggested i find a therapist closer to home. She's in NYC, and i'm way out in new jersey. my commute is two hours each way and with my new work schedule, it's nearly impossible for us to find time to meet.

This is a hard one. She's great and caring and very smart and kind. She was my counselor in IOP when I gave up drugs and she's worked tirelessly on me and with me to end my drinking.

Kay knows all my history and everything that pains me. Can i start all over with someone new? Like many people, i've had some less than stellar therapists along the way. My psyche is fragile, and it's hard for to me trust and work with a lot of people.

Yet, it's true -- our schedules don't work. As much as I wish it were different, it's not. I've never much lived in reality -- instead wanting what i want, regardless of what is realistic. Through therapy and AA, i'm learning we must make choices, even if we don't love what we're picking from.

i never had much of a family and intensely dislike this time of year, when everyone seems so delighted to be with theirs. of course, holiday meals are difficult and stressful -- not so much with food these days, but the alcohol...

Kay is like the family remember i never had. she's wise and consistent and caring and solid. when in doubt i wonder, what would kay do? i certainly would never ask myself, what would my mother or father or brother have done?

it's a tough time, as things from my past, particularly with my mother, are coming up for me through my AA work and therapy. not fun, but it needs to be done. i'm learning that we have to go thru things to get to the other side. my old habit was burying, burying, burying and then using food and drugs and alcohol to shove it down and ignore it. but it doesn't melt away without work.

i begin to believe i CAN do the work. i'm not giving up. but i can't say i look forward to it.

as i've been a little blue lately, this seems a great time for a gratitude list. here goes;

I'M clean and sober and don't binge, purge or starve. HALLELUJAH.

I'M hanging in with the job and learning to deal with the hurdles and not giving up

DANCING with the stars is on tomorrow, and i'm going to vote my heart out. It's our right and for that i am very grateful

when in doubt, be thankful. may we all have much to be grateful for!

Portia de Rossi's book

2010-11-14T10:28:00.000-08:00

i just finished Portia de Rossi's, Unbearable Lightness. It stays with me.

The book is well-written (a big plus)and interesting. Her description of her life with her eating disorder is clear and very recognizable. In her telling, de Rossi never judges her actions, she just tells them and the reader gets the message through the description.

The story can be triggering, and in some hands, it might almost seem like a how-to. i also found it a painful story, and I'd put the book down feeling sad.

What helped me was watching what her life became once ED entered the picture. De Rossi was 100% devoted to weight loss, no matter the cost to anything else. At the height of her fame, she sat in her home, eating butter spray and running on the treadmill to burn off the calories of sugar free gum. Nothing, nothing else mattered. Her story pounded home the waste of years, the self absorption and the pain brought to self and others in the quest for.........what?

De Rossi gives a thorough description of her life with Anorexia and Bulimia. We watch them build and speed out of control as the 5'8 actress fairly quickly starves herself down to 82 lbs. just as quickly, she gains the weight back and more until she's 168.

oh, do i know about huge weight fluctuations and the excruciating physical and emotional pain they cause. i was right there with de Rossi every step of the way.

Then she lost me. in a few short pages,she has figured it all out (eat when your hungry, stop when you're full) and is easily maintaining the 130 her body always wanted to be anyway. ta da.

after hundreds of pages of detailed sickness, she's cured, in love and happy. oh.

as i said, it's an interesting read and, of course, a very important topic. i would highly recommend it for parents or anyone wanting to learn more about eating disorders.

has anyone else read it? i'd be interested in other views.

No Weigh In - Day Three

2010-11-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

yes, it's the evening of day three, and i haven't gotten on the scale. i'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, as i am feeling antsy about it. still, it's one more day and then one more day and then one more day. but i'll probably give in at some point.

the last blog was a good one for me to write, and the responses really helped me. i realize how much i rely on a few numbers of a scale, and i start to see how meaningless they are. that's a lot for me to say. well, i can see they're meaningless, but i don't think i've taken it in.

i knew i gave those numbers super-powers in the past, but i'm finding i still do, way more than i thought.

something very important to think about and take way, way in.

thanks to everyone. you're all helping so much.

i didn't weigh myself this morning!

2010-11-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

i didn't weigh myself this morning. that's a first in a very, very long time. this is progress!

i don't know why this morning was different than any other, but i love it.

every morning but this one, i wake and wonder what that metal goon is going to tell me when i jump on it. then i pee, twice if i think it will help, force myself to brush my teeth (i'm like a kid who can't wait to open presents) and off i go to the closet where i "hide" the scale. as we all know, the number sets the tone of the entire day.

not today. i decided not to get on and then went about my morning routine. the sky didn't fall, my pants fit, i had the same ride to work and my colleagues greeted me hello. everything is just like it is every other day of the year, even though i didn't weigh myself.

that's a lot of cool information. i wish i knew why i didn't care this morning. it wasn't even difficult. do i actually believe i'm more than the sum of my pounds? whoa. i really do have much bigger fish to fry and perhaps, i'll even eat fried food.

Surrender

2010-11-07T16:53:00.000-08:00

I've written about this topic recently, still it's continually on my mind. With my substance addictions, surrender is simple. i admit that i'm powerless over drugs and alcohol and i cannot manage my life. i can not control my life. instead, i turn my life over and do what i am told by others who know better. go to lots meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps with my sponsor, read the (AA) Big Book and good things will happen.

in my seven short weeks in sobriety and attending AA, things have gotten better -- amazingly better. i have seen real, serious change in myself and have moments of clarity and happiness i didn't know before.

i can't really tell you how this happened, but there's been more growth in the last seven weeks than in.... i really can't tell you -- a long, long time.

okay, then i think of my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. can we surrender? it seems so much more difficult. To me, eating disorders seem so much about control == control of our food, our bodies, in fact, our very lives.

besides, how can we surrender when we also must eat. i've gone to OA only a few times because it didn't make much sense to me -- how can we abstain -- from certain foods and certain behaviors. we have to live. and people, places and things -- do we stay away from anyone who eats? i probably need to find out more about OA before making judgments or any comments at all.

More, i have a major issue with people telling me what and how to eat. any stranger off the street can tell me to stop drinking forever, and i'm nodding along. but if a doctor suggests that it's best for me to eat breakfast, "TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M NOT COMING HERE ANYMORE. YOU DON'T KNOW MY BODY. I'M NOT HUNGRY IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING I EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. ISN'T THE POINT OF THIS TO LEARN TO EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN I'M FULL? WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING ME WITH THIS CRUEL AND DISGUSTING CALL FOR BREAKFAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU, MRS. NUTRITIONIST, WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. MY BODY IS DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S METABOLISM ACTUALLY WORKS."

Okay, so i don't quite say this to people, but i do think it. after all these years of recovery. i confess i think i do know best. yikes! that's terrifying information.

by the way, my eating's okay. i do eat some kind of snack in the morning and lunch and dinner and treats. i maintain a healthy weight -- in the realm of those weight charts.

but my thinkingis still screwy. i started working on my ED at 17, years into my issues. nearly 30 years later, i still have the inner voice that tells me i know best. with drugs and alcohol, there's a much shorter period of issues, but i'm so clear that i can not drink and i absolutely do not know best.

why is this one so much harder? what can be done to help us allow others (and God, if we so believe) to help us? how do i/we let go of control?

A Happy Crappy Day

2010-11-01T14:55:00.000-07:00

Today was a crappy day. Work was really slow and boring, and i had to make a lot of cold calls. I'm short on money. I gained a few pounds. i have a stomach ache.

But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.

well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.

i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.

i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.

and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.

of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.

but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?

it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.

well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.

Wow.

why i want to eat

2010-10-31T20:11:00.000-07:00

it's 11 pm. i had a beautiful weekend. lovely. went out for a nice meal and ate a fair amount more than normal at around 8 pm, but that's okay. it's the weekend, i'll eat moderately tomorrow -- no big deal. after dinner, came home and watched some nice, cozy tv and now it's time for bed and i want to eat.

why on earth? i had a beautiful weekend with lots of sleep and.... ah, i don't want the weekend to end. i don't want to get up early and go to work and start the work week and have it be monday.

now i know. and i can snack or not, with some new knowledge. now i know.

Actually Wanting Sobriety

2010-10-31T12:21:00.000-07:00

I take antabuse to keep me from drinking -- if you take antabuse and drink, you get very, very, very sick.

every time i've stopped drinking, i've depended on antabuse. certainly, i was sure, i could not not drink on my own.

yesterday, saturday, i ran out of antabuse. when i went to re-fill it, the drugstore told me i don't have health insurance and it would cost $153, versus the 15 i usually pay. my health insurance provider was closed, so i couldn't resolve it until monday.

dilemma -- do i pay the $153 and try to get reimbursed or could i wait until Monday, and stay sober on my own. (just some additional info-- my COBRA ends today and my new insurance starts monday. i'm worried that somehow i won't get reimbursed from my old insurance.)

i even called my therapist, who thought i should get it yesterday: it was a better investment than taking a chance with my sobriety. although i was pissed about paying the extra money which i really don't have, i agreed with my therapist and decided to get the antabuse yesterday.

then i met with my sponsor and went to a wonderful AA meeting which ran long and made me late to meet friends for dinner. i decided that i could wait until tomorrow, there was already so much antabuse in my system, and one day without it would be fine.

when i woke up this morning, i realized that i'd be fine without antabuse until tomorrow because I WANT THIS SOBRIETY. i am feeling so much better and committed to the process and to myself. i couldn't actually believe it. ME? committed to my sobriety and to myself? ME?!!! it blew me away.

the funny thing is, i found one last antabuse tablet this morning and took it, so i'm fine until tomorrow. i will re-fill and take the new prescription. it's great insurance. still, what a realization.

p.s. i am having the greatest weekend. got tons of sleep, got a massage, met with sponsor, went to wonderful meetings, have time to myself to read and write and take baths. tonight, i'm going to an early meeting and then out for (an inexpensive) dinner. ahhhh. i'm working on enjoying every minute, right here in the present.

this is all so new. i'll take it!

A Cool Exercise.

2010-10-27T19:55:00.000-07:00

i was so hard on myself in therapist today-- i told my therapist that "at work, i feel useless, hopeless, stupid, lazy, uncoordinated, incapable. oh yeah, and funny looking."

my therapist said that i'm so compassionate with other people; she hopes i can find compassion for myself. she gave me an exercise -- every night write myself a paragraph to myself as though i were someone else.

i haven't written it yet, but i'm looking forward to it. it sounds so comforting. i keep thinking about how nice i'll be to myself.

what do you think your paragraph to yourself would say?

Without Distraction

2010-10-24T07:28:00.000-07:00

Living life without distractions is different. I'm not drinking, drugging, starving, purging or acting out. Where's the drama, where's the excitement, the danger?

This is a hard lesson. I can't remember living without some distraction from life.

Now, I'm sitting with anxiety, boredom, worry, pain. I'm living it. And getting thru it.

It's odd learning to cope with life at 46. Look at me, I'm...getting thru the day.

A normal person would say that mundane beats drunk and living on the edge. Some parts of me know that, but some parts are restless.

AA helps. I can ground myself there with others who know exactly, exactly where i've been and where i am. I see people who've come so far and have much richer lives for the process.

Without drama and excitement, I see the things I need to change. Before I ignored them with the help of the sauce, et. al.

Last night, we had company over. Some were drinking and yes, i wanted that wine. as the night went on my focus shifted to food and yes,I wanted those chicken wings. i ate more and more consistently than i would have preferred, but overall, it was okay.

still, today, i felt sorry for myself. why do i have sooo many issues? if it isn't wine, it's food, if it's not food, it's pills, if not pills, then i look for drama elsewhere. the point is, i need to tolerate the discomfort and social awkwardness and party conversations that don't scintillate. I can get thru it and without cabernet or crudite.

This seems a stilted post, as this is all just so new and uncomfortable for me. Drama I know so well. Run of the the mill, day-to-day life -- how do I manage that? For now, I'm working on tolerating it.

Tomorrow's five week's sober. Tonight, i meet with my sponsor. To be continued.

Gratitude list:

My car is giving me a lot of trouble. My boyfriend keeps giving me his car so i can get to work safely. He rides his motorcyle in the cold.

My puppy friend is coming over for a visit in a few minutes. As my friend, Eve, said "happiness is a warm puppy".

I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. She has such great wisdom, and I'm just doing what she tells me and believing in it.

Big Girl Pants

2010-10-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

I was complaining to my sponsor that my life is so hectic all of the sudden, and i feel overwhelmed and have so much to do and there are so many issues... she looked at me and smiled and said,

"Sometimes you just have to pull on your Big Girl Pants and do what needs to be done."

Exactly. Here's the thing -- I've always avoided Big Girl Pants, figuratively and literally. I've dodged everything that sniffed of reality or hard work. And, of course, I've starved and prayed in search of a life in skinny jeans.

What do I have to show for it? Uh, stretch marks? Bills? (notice what i put first. my priorities need a little work.)

One of the reasons I picked my sponsor is that she looks like she knows how to put on Big Girl Pants. She's a hard-working single mom with a teenager and a nice little house and one hell of a hard time behind her. THIS is the kind of woman I want to be -- someone who knows how to take care of herself.

i'm always leaning on people -- family, friends, men. it's not that we don't all need help, but i always want people to do things FOR me not with me. i let people do stuff and pay no attention, so the next time, i have no idea what to do.

this may work for a 6 year old but a 46 year old, not so much. this barely works for most 16 years olds. how did i manage this long?

here i am, at 46, slowing beginning to step up to the plate. uh, yes, i have to work even if i'm not psyched about the job. yeah, i have to cook and clean and get my car serviced. i can't afford mani/pedis, massages, fancy make-up, frequent highlights and, of course, tasty red wine. i don't know where i got my sense of entitlement, but hello, it's been whopping. and financially devastating.

here i am, and i'm beginning the process. it's terrifying, yet it's my only chance. uh, to not end up in debtors prison. without medical care.

re; literal Big Girl Pants - the ones that don't look like tights and weren't meant for a pre-teen with a hyper metabolism. My sponsor puts on big girls pants -- she's healthy and toned and strong. She has no eating disorders and no particular issues with food. She's a great-size woman. You don't instantly wish to give her a sandwich. Anyway, she would get her own.

i hate big girls pants. i started out super-chubby and spent my whole life questing and dying for skinny jeans. it's going to be a very hard habit to change. will a smaller size ALWAYS seem better? i don't have an answer.

but grown-ups need grown-up pants. i'm beginning the process of becoming an adult. now, about those pants...

Here's to pulling on my Big Girl Pants and accepting that this is life.

Dread

2010-10-04T19:09:00.000-07:00

i can't begin to tell you how much dread i felt about going to work today. this morning, i had a panic attack and almost fainted. i have trouble sleeping because i dread work and i have bad dreams about the job.

this morning, i could barely keep my eyes open driving to work. i really did almost fall asleep. it was truly creepy & dangerous. i didn’t sleep terrifically, but i got enough sleep, so that shouldn't have happened.

last friday, our director put it on my calendar to meet with her every day this week. i don't know why. i worry that they worry i'm not learning quickly enough. and I strongly fear that she's going to make me do a lot of outgoing sales, which i truly dread. truly.

how do i work things thru with this dread? every night, i get miserable about going to work the next day.

this is a very controlled job for a very free spirit. it's timed when you go to the bathroom. every time you get up you have to clock out. How long you’re on the phone is tracked.

what is the dread? In the old days, I never wanted to go to work either. Then I’d drink and binge and purge all night, maybe trying to make myself sick enough so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Then came drugs, and I really wasn’t capable of going to work. Life just fell apart.

Now, I’m not drinking or drugging or binging or purging or starving, so all the feelings are here. I’m not numbing or anesthetizing to “cope”. I’m living.

All the feelings are right here. I just stand and watch them invade and take over my body. It was terrifying this morning, when I nearly passed out and then could barely stand up. Who’s in charge of this body, anyway?

EPILOGUE: I got myself to work. I calmed myself minute by minute and things got better and easier. Work got a little more interesting, we had a good meeting and I really took and enjoyed my lunch hour.

I’m such a fearful person. Why couldn’t I convince myself that this day could possibly be fine?

Guess I need to learn to cope without Chardonnay, 3 pizzas and a quart of ice cream, nights flung over the toilet, Percoset…

All new.

Gratitude list:

I met with my sponsor yesterday for the first time. She is the loveliest person in so many ways. I picked well! She gave me homework and I’m working away. Going to a nice meeting tonight that she runs. And I have a good friend who goes to. Great way to end the day!

I was hungry for lunch. I haven’t felt true hunger in quite a while. Lunch was tasty and now I’m nursing a nice cup of coffee.

Dancing With the Stars is on tonight. And then I’m going to take a bath. Ahhh

Bloat

2010-09-30T18:25:00.000-07:00

I'm bloated. Does anyone relate? My stomach feels stretched to the end of its skin.

Very uncomfortable. And my poor, once-abused intestinal tract is not playing along. (Aside to young users of laxatives, if you're using laxatives, please stop. You don't know the damage you will do. it's less fun years down the road.)

Enough about that -- you know what I mean.

Everything's different about my body -- there are lumps and creases around places i'd forgotten about.

When i look in the mirror dressed, I'm not too startled. with a blazer, etc., i still look fine. but take off that dress and, what's all this?

Wish i could feel fine. This reminds me of all the years i officially "dieted". I concentrate on making mostly healthy, lean choices. I'm getting sick of salad and turkey breast, et. al. Still, i'm eating meals, which i didn't do much before & eating a lot late at night after work and AA and everything else i need to do. Thus, some weight gain.

I'm rarely hungry. My system feels so over-taxed. I miss really be hungry for a meal. i tend to eat dinner just because i want to eat. I'm not sure how to do things correctly and healthfully. Maybe a nutritionist?

It's no surprise I'm pretty out of touch with my body and "hungry" and "full". I never developed these tools -- you know the ones babies conquer at birth?

I so wonder how we got here. Eating is supposed to be as natural as any of the most instinctive things we do. Now not-eating seems acceptable and the norm. Everyone's so busy trying to be "good".

A young (16) friend tells me that, although she regularly binges/purges/starves, she doesn't think she has a problem, because everyone else is doing it. She says

"I'm really involved in the theatre and dance productions- and eating disorders are so common there. Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories (which eventually leads to a binge...and a purge) in order to be thinner for the stage or competition. During warm ups we talk about how much we've eaten, or how much weight we need to lose before the show so we'll look good. What's worse is that it isn't questioned because that's the way it's always been done.

"Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories." NATURALLY? What is natural about a huge percentage of teenage girls restricting their calories?

How did this happen? How did starving (often leading to binging and purging) become natural?

Why? What is so great about being super-thin? What's so great about being thin?

Is there anything we can do?

A Better Day

2010-09-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

Today is a better day. Work was a little busier, so it went more quickly. My co-workers are very nice, and they're unbelievably patient with my mistakes and slow learning curve on the computer.

I'm not sure why i'm feeling better, but here are some guesses. I am

getting enough sleep every night.

blogging every night, then taking a lovely bath and going to bed.

working new hours, so i can sleep later and there's no traffic. The commute is a full half hour less each way now!

getting more comfortable at work, so i don't obsess about being employed quite so much

eating heartily and healthfully. yes, my weight's staying up there, but I'm sure getting enough brain food.

not beating myself up for the weight gain. just going back to the closet for bigger clothes.

sober and going to AA most nights

seeing things more clearly and realizing they're ok

much more sober, in every sense of the word

I guess this was a gratitude list of sorts. I'm so grateful for everything that's feeling and working a little better. Hallelujah!

A Sponsor

2010-09-28T17:49:00.000-07:00

i got a sponsor. i can't believe it. four years in and out of recovery and never thought "I" needed a sponsor. but too many people i trust have told me to do it. since i make such wrong decisions on my own, i decided to follow the STRONG suggestion of most together people i know (my therapist, people with 30 years sober, etc.) and asked the leader of last night's AA meeting if she would sponsor me. we're meeting this weekend to get started. i'm nervous and excited and startled that i took this step (no pun intended, for all of you who know the tenets of AA.) Imagine ME, doing the right thing!

Yesterday was a blah, blah day at work. i left there all depressed with my head hanging. then i met my friend from IOP at an AA meeting and instantly felt comforted. i grabbed coffee (and a cookie -- yes, I'm allowing myself cookies before dinner) and sat up front. quickly, my shoulders dropped, as i found myself nodding along with everything said. everyone at AA has a story and everyone understands great loss and confusion and frustration. I don't know when i've felt less alone.

it's unlike me to feel peace when my life has so many frustrating aspects. it's always been all or nothing for me -- if one thing was bad, NOTHING felt good or peaceful. it's kind of a revelation -- i can hate my job, my finances, my addictions, YET i can still feel relaxed in a room full of people with like-minded troubles. all new.

what else is new? well, i'm still sober and having a MUCH less hard time around this time around. i do crave alcohol sometimes, but i don't at all want everything that goes with drinking -- the hangover, the bad decisions about everything, the cost, the disappointment from those around me and all the lies that decide to pop out of my mouth. every aspect of life gets worse when i drink AND all my addictions have kept me back, kept me in this life i find so dissatisfying.

i have everything to re-learn. from making my own bed, to supporting myself. i never did these normal things -- i don't know how i escaped, but i skipped anything in life that an adult might do and anything that smelled even vaguely of responsibility. all this avoidance hasn't done me any good.
>
i must believe it's never too late. i see people in AA who've pulled it together after having lost everything, over and over with terrible consequences. and there they are, sober and working on much better lives.

humility. i have so little. always, i think i know best what's best for me. whatever's necessary for "other" people never applies to me. i also seem to think i can do whatever i want, regardless of the consequences to myself and others around me.

the only thing i can do is right things now. i can't make up for the past -- not to myself, and not to those i've hurt. i CAN do things differently this time. so, here i am, doing this considerably differently - a genuine work in progress.

as for my ass (strange seque, but the thought just popped up), it's still the same new size. why can't i believe my boyfriend, who repeatedly tells me i'm perfect right now? what does he know?! no, no, i hear my mother's voice years ago, wondering why they were promoting Diane Sawyer when she had such big hips. my mother hated wide hips, no matter who sported them. if you weren't a boy, basically, you were horribly wide.

why do i hear my mother from 30 years ago and not my boyfriend? or anyone, these days, who tells me I look good - that i had gotten painfully thin and i finally look healthy again.

everything's up in the air right now -- lots of change and uncomfortable transition.
Growing pains? i hope so.

Still Okay with the Weight

2010-09-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

You know, I am kind of okay with all this weight gain. It continues to climb, which is hard to fathom, but that’s what’s happening. Doesn’t seem much I can do about it, and I don’t feel like doing anything right now, so this is it.

I am fine. I, Melissa, am fine, because I’m healthy and I’m sleeping and I’m learning to cope with real life.

In the real world, I’m not a tiny girl. I’ve always wanted to be a tiny girl in the world – ahhh, if only I could disappear... But I can’t disappear – who will pay the rent, and cover my health insurance so I can keep taking Lexapro and pay for my root canal and for food and gas and my phone…??? I can’t disappear, no matter how much I’d like to at times. i'm taking up space, and that's what i must do. make my place, make my space in this world.

My boyfriend tells me that I look great now – nothing better than a woman with curves, says he.

I don’t think I look great. Still, I have gained a lot of weight, and the world hasn’t ended. In fact, little has changed except that I’m sober and more responsible and honest.

I do think about cutting down on the cals but then think – I like my afternoon pretzels and my after dinner ice cream. And after that, I’ve been known to eat fruit. Yes, my emotions trigger my mouth-hunger, lately, but for right now, that’s where I am.

Could I possibly learn to be one of those people who enjoys food? I've either desperately craved it or feared and loathed anything with calories all my life. What If i could appreciate and enjoy food? Could that ever be me?

I just wish the weight gain would stop now.

b>Gratitude
1. I went to a really good AA meeting tonight, and I (yes I!) got a sponsor. More on that later.

2. I got another job offer, so I don't feel quite so stuck in this one.

3. Dancing With the Stars, a warm bath and a good book. Beautiful.

Anorexia or Bulimia?

2010-09-25T18:45:00.000-07:00

for the first ten years of life, i was a compulsive eater. i grew very quickly and always out-grew the weight gain. at ten i got my period and stopped growing and the compulsive eating caught up with my waist-line. and my hips and face and boobs...

the next phase was starvation -- i just stopped eating until i'd lost 60 pounds, but then craved food all the time. Welcome, Bulimia. over the years, i'd do some combination of compulsive eating, starving, binging and/or purging.

i'm not sure how to label myself. bulimic? sometime anorexic? compulsive eater?

are they different? are there different reasons and feelings associated with each?

i never considered myself anorexic, although i certainly exhibited anorexic behaviors for long stretches. in my head, i'll always think of myself as a compulsive eater.

from reading blogs and literature, i see that many anorexics believe their disease is caused by nature, not nurture and peer pressure. that never resonated with me, although it makes sense.

i've never felt that my disease was based on brain chemistry. my mother wanted me thin, desperately, all the other kids teased me and the popular girls were always light weights. unfortunately, my body wanted big weight. and my misery wanted food. my mother and father comforted themselves with food, what else did i know?

during the years when i ate compulsively and/or binged and purged, i hated myself and loathed my life.

during my starving mode, i resented the world -- everyone else could eat, but i didn't allow myself anything other than lettuce and, well, lettuce. still,i thought my body looked pretty good, although i barely had the energy to walk up stairs. and i hated myself a little less -- at least i wasn't eating! was that a brain mis-fire or just my mother's voice cooing at my little body?

do you consider yourself anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS. what do you relate to? do you think the different disorders have different causes?

Today's gratitude list:

I slept a lot last night and didn't have to go to work today.

I let myself be depressed and just went with it for a while. it was okay

I'm reading a nice, new book -- now that's lovely!

anxiety or depression?

2010-09-24T17:39:00.000-07:00

which is worse? usually i'm incapacitated by anxiety -- sweaty, can't focus, heart racing. it's hard to do anything when you can't even breathe. when i'm in it, i'd tell you it's the worst.

then along comes depression. thud. depression's not my usual default. but this week - thud. it's hard to do anything when you can't even move. now that i'm in it, i tell you it's the worst.

had a good therapy session after work, and feel somewhat better. my therapist says it's good for me to tolerate discomfort -- it's something i've never really done -- i either binged or starved or took drugs or drank or acted out in some ways that felt like a drug.

it makes sense that i need to learn to tolerate. everyone gets bored or scared, and that's life.

i'm kind of proud that i'm not lying, not drinking, going to AA, going to work. i never did many of those things at the same time before.

i am not drinking, once again, but it's not that hard this time. i don't want a drink. i want a fuller life, a more interesting job, intellectual stimulation, laughter and a little more fun.

but in the interim, i'm going to work and blogging and going to AA. those are good things.

my therapist asked me to write three things i'm grateful for on my blog. a gratitude list seems like just the thing at the moment:

1. IT'S FRIDAY. i couldn't be happier about that!!! Yippee. Yippee

2. i am grateful that i didn't lie today and i didn't drink today

3. it was a beautiful day, and i sat outside for a whole hour at lunch

so, i wonder -- which do you think is worse - depression or anxiety. AND what three things are you grateful for today?

Curves

2010-09-23T17:34:00.000-07:00

I considered calling this post "womanly curves" or "sexy curves", but ended up with just plain curves

what is womanly really? Aren’t all female bodies womanly because they belong to women? Besides, womanly sounds like “matronly” or “bosomy” or ... mom jeans.

Still, I think if I tell you my body is now “womanly”, you know what I mean. I have roounnd curves I haven’t seen in quite some time. I now sport 16 pounds more than i did in mid-July. I guess my body wanted it. I look healthy but where, I ask you, did this stomach come from? Whose boobs are these?

That kind of leads me to “sexy” curves. Sexy. I don’t tend to feel sexy. I don’t like to feel sexy – it’s fairly threatening, now that i think of it. Is it shocking that a woman with every eating disorder since childhood has issues with her sexuality?

I didn’t date until I was 30 and even then, i didn't pick well.. damn, if I didn’t think I was the ugliest thing around. up and down 100 pounds. braces. frizzy hair. acne. glasses. and nerdy. oh, was i picked on in junior high. i wouldn't dare have thought of myself as sexy -- some sarcastic creep would let me know exactly how truly unappealing i was. even during my thinnest (thin equalled attractive to me)times when my acne cleared up, the braces were gone and a flat iron had been invented -- still, even then (and now) all i see is funny looking me.

So sadly, that's just the way i look at my body. Yeah, no, my curves aren't sexy to me, even though i'm working on convincing myself they are. i guess i still miss the bones. why do i like sharp bones and sneer at soft curves?

This post brings anxiety, as i write this out. why can't i feel sexy? why not -- other women do. sometimes, after a few glasses of wine, when EVERYTHING feels crazy and loose, i might feel a little sexy but even then -- KEEP THOSE LIGHTS OFF!!!

sometimes i really would rather look like a vanishing woman. yet, i so don't want my 15 year old niece to see me as thin as i was. it's a terrible message and not walking the walk. "you're perfect", i tell her and know it is so, although my body is a fair amount smaller than hers.

whether curves seem desireable or not, they're mine. i need to deal and move on with the rest of the day!

Honestly

2010-09-21T18:25:00.000-07:00

Can you believe it -- I'm being honest. Honest, honest, honest. I've told my boyfriend about multiple lies. Believe it or not, confessing is better than lying.

We'll have to see what it's like to be honorable. This is very new for me. I'm doing what i'm supposed to. Sober again -- and it doesn't suck quite so much as last time.

The purpose is to move forward and in a POSITIVE way. To change behaviors which mess with my integrity. New, new, new.

One day, I will know exactly where my moral compass is -- right inside of me.

i'm still using food, but what can I do? Even normal eaters use food when they're newly sober. So, yes, there is ALWAYS a sugar-free mint in my mouth and/or a cup of coffee in my hand, but it's better than Sauvignon Blanc and/or a cigarette.

I think i'm handling this well, particularly for me.

Pissed Off

2010-09-19T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hello Anger, my old friend.

i am so angry today. why do i have to drive an f===ing 90 minutes to work, then an hour to IOP and then get home at 10;30, lay out my clothes, pack my lunch, take a shower and then resent the hell out of having no time for myself.

the counselors at IOP SUCK. we watch movies, we talk about transmissions and fast food (the counselors are so talent-free -- they let the conversation wander all over, and they can't control the group) and where everybody lives.

but i have to go, because my therapist wants the stupid (really!) iop counselor to watch me take antabuse. 3.5 hours of stupidity three nights a week.

i need time to myself. i hate everyone today == i railed on my cousin and i asked my therapist to call me so i can tell her how absolutely PISSED OFF i am.

i'm also so anxious about the week. learning the really complicated computer system and all the sales stuff and running to iop where they now know i didn't stop drinking.

i'm really unhappy. really unhappy. really unhappy.

and i'm gaining more weight and my skin's all broken out and....i'm really unhappy.

thanks for listening

Okay with my Weight Gain!!!

2010-09-17T16:55:00.000-07:00

i have gained 13 pounds, and counting, since the middle of July. i am now exactly the number the weight charts say i should be. Thirteen pounds heavier than two months ago. Yet, i'm okay.

i don't know why I'm okay. two months ago, two pounds drove me crazy. you could see the bones from my neck to my chest, and i thought they looked great. i could slither into those skinny jeans and boy did i shake my ass. i thought i looked great.

of course, i also kind of looked like a skeleton. really boney. i maintained the look of the dead for about six months. i sure thought i looked great.

but i guess i looked like a skeleton.

i repeat all this so i will hear it. much of me wishes i still looked like that, but i don't have that kind of time. i'm working a full day and taking in SO much new information and running to 3.5 hours of iop (driving over an hour each way.) somewhere in between i have to pay my bills and return calls and emails and, hopefully, bathe and make coffee and the bed.

i don't have time for my eating disorder. i pack my lunch and eat it. my boyfriend can't believe i eat it all. he knows my old (lack of) eat habits. i eat potato chips on break during IOP and then get home at 10:30 and, exhausted, eat a real dinner. i put cream in my coffee and suck sugar free sucking candies all day (oral fixation, indeed.)

i gain weight. but i can't be bothered. i look fine. if i gain more weight, i still can't be bothered. i'm serious!!!!!!! who is writing this??

i don't have time for my eating disorder?!! in the past, all this stress would have brought ED screaming in louder than ever. i'd fast all day and binge all night. but i can't do that now. i don't have any money or any credit, and i must learn my new job and function. i need to support myself, and i'm getting too old to function on no food or the awful post binge/post purge feeling.

WOW.

by the way, i just wrote the previous post too. if you have the time, please give it a read. i think i almost wrote this one to mask the last. it's all true, but the last one scared me.

Liar, liar

2010-09-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else lie? maybe it's more of the alcoholic/drug addict part of me that likes the whoppers and white ones? i guess i lied around my eating disorder, but i think this is my substance abuser stttreetttcching the truth.

tonight, my therapist told me i need to be honest all the time. what???!!!

i feel pretty crummy about myself. i've been drinking since labor day and telling my therapist and IOP i was sober. LIAR. every morning, i'd text my therapist i took antabuse and she'd write back how proud she was of me. LIAR. trust-crusher. betrayer. the true L word.

last night, instead of going to IOP, i rented a cheap hotel room and told my boyfriend i was going to IOP. yes, i'd had a crazy full week with not ONE minute to myself. yes, i had my period and awful cramps and madness. and yes, i needed the time to myself. BUT I LIED. i did eventually confess to my boyfriend, who already knows the severe limits to my trustworthiness. and knows that i've been feeling suffocated. and knows I AM A LIAR.

i'm afraid to publish this. will anyone ever want to be my blogger friend again? i don't lie on the blog.

now, i must be honest. all the time. my therapist is calling my iop counselor and telling her to watch me take antabuse. yick. sobriety.

my therapist tells me drinking is holding me back from a full life. now, i have no money, a very "eh" job that is no interest to me and lots of repercussions.

is there a chance i could have a full life? could i do something that really uses more of my literary interests and less of my sales background? will i ever be able to take care of myself?

well, i did go to my job all week, and i did pay attention and SMILE thru the cramps and anxiety. i am terrified of the computers, but i am going back on monday. i will go to iop. i will go to AA meetings.

i will give myself a chance.

day two

2010-09-14T19:15:00.000-07:00

i am not used to this work thing! i've had two really long days. tomorrow, i don't have IOP. will i actually have a minute to myself? WOO HOO!!!!

i sure was spoiled -- good sleep, long baths, lunch on the deck.... of course, there wasn't any money coming in, so that didn't really work too well.

i'm sorry that i haven't been in blog world the last two days. i've been thinking about everyone, reading blogs AND READING AND RE-READING your comments to me.

i'm going to take a shower (kind of ran out of time this morning), lay out my clothes, make my lunch, eat dinner and try to get some sleep.

by the way, the job seems fine. i have my stressed out moments. but this week is all training, so i'm just trying to relax and learn.

Hope everyone is having a good night. Peace.

Can We Recover?

2010-09-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

shae adele at http ://shaeadele.blogspot.com/ wrote: "You're the only person I know (even virtually) who has struggled with an ED and recovered (for the most part. I know we all slip up.) But thank you, I needed this. The only woman I know for real (a former teacher who is near and dear to me. We go out for coffee sometimes to talk about ED related things) told me that there is no recovery from an eating disorder. Never. She's 35 and is still very much a disordered eater, she just doesn't purge because she lost her colon. Maybe that's why I've been so lethargic lately. I thought she was recovered for so long, and to hear that was crushing."

i don't believe that's true. four years ago, i stopped throwing up after 30 years of bulimia. since then, i've binged maybe four or five times and taken a couple of laxatives maybe three times. i consider that pretty good. i don't know what the future holds, but i seem to be so much more at peace with food and my weight. i don't think to binge -- which is bliss.

Do you think we can recover? I never thought it was possible before. i questioned people who said they were better-- i just didn't believe it. when i started this blog, i still insisted i WAS my eating disorder. now, i don't believe that at all. i didn't realize how much my thinking had shifted until i was on Shae Adele's blog the other day, and she had written, "i am my eating disorder".

Speaking of Shae Adele, she's 17 and been with ED for six years. If you have a chance, stop by her blog. I think she could use really use some support.

On another note, I start my new job tomorrow. i have SUCH anxiety. i'm surprised how nervous i am. i'm not sure how to handle it. i need to have more belief in myself. i can do this. right?

feeling like a new me

2010-09-08T18:27:00.000-07:00

Thank you everyone for all your comments on my last post. your support gives me courage. i do have to remember that i can do this. and things do tend to work themselves out.

on a different front, i've started to feel a little differently about things and about myself. i'm more grounded, less dramatic, more realistic, less focused on my appearance, and i'm spending a lot less time in la la land.

for once, i find myself wanting mental excitement, not crazy thrills. it's...well,thrilling. at 46, can i begin to become the real woman i've tucked down deep inside? can i?

it's the happiest, most warming thought i've had in a while.

i don't know if i'm explaining this well. i don't really understand it myself. for right now, as i told my therapist, i'm poignantly happy.

Job Fear

2010-09-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

What is all this interest in food? why do i want to keep chucking stuff into my mouth?

i start my new job on monday. i haven't worked since July 17, and though i've been terrified about money, i have so enjoyed the freedom. i get lots of sleep and take morning walks and write and run all my errands, then head to iop. my boyfriend and i sit on the swing, lounge on the deck, drive to the beach and explore different neighborhoods.

before this bliss, i worked for my brother for four years. it was pretty darn easy work, and i had lots of flexibility. sure, the travel got old, and i didn't like the job itself, but i knew what i was doing.

monday, i start a job selling classified ads for a large newspaper in new jersey. i'll be sitting at a desk, on the phone all day, every day. and selling. i'd promised myself that i wouldn't take another sales job again, but that's my background and the best way for me to make an okay salary. i'm afraid of the whole sales thing. sometimes, even with all my experience, i still get scared. and my lack of computer knowledge -- eek.

but, i do LOVE newspapers and enjoy reading classified ads, so of all the jobs i saw, this one looked the best. the hours are 9:30 - 6 pm, which means i don't have to blast out of bed at some unholy hour, and that means a lot. and i keep telling myself, i can do this, i can do this, i can do this. my self-esteem has taken a lot of hits lately -- i need lots of cheerleading.

unfortunately, the job's about an hours drive each way, ugh, because i live in a pretty rural area, and there aren't too many jobs near me.

and how on earth am i going to get to iop for 3.5 hours, three nights a week. and see my therapist in new york. and get to a psychiatrist for meds? i haven't figured this part out at all. but i guess i will.

When will i find time for myself. now, i am blessed with such quality time to breathe. but everyone works and figures things out. i guess i will too.

i'm glad i wrote this, instead of reaching for the fridge door. this is what's been on my mind, but i've been so busy talking about alcohol and food and relationships, i haven't gotten to job fear. now, i have.

After the Eats

2010-09-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.

oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!

i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.

there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.

i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen

in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.

it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.

so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.

we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!

i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.

my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.

i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.

thanks for listening. i needed this.

a little better

2010-08-23T17:04:00.000-07:00

i am feeling a little better today. yippeee. yahoo. glory be. i was starting to wonder if every day would feel like walking through really thick mud.

eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.

i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.

so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!

Eating in Sobriety

2010-08-21T11:35:00.000-07:00

is this going to feel better? am i ever going to stop eating? do i have to always anesthetize myself in some way?

when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.

now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.

sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:

1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!

it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!

slogging thru

2010-08-18T18:46:00.000-07:00

candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".

there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.

i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.

am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.

i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.

for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.

'night.

SOBER: Day Two

2010-08-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

decaf is the new Merlot. harrumph.

hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.

it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.

I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.

it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.

exhale. i have to remember to breathe.

tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.

wish me luck.

SOBER; Day One

2010-08-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

i really want a drink, but if i can't go ONE day without drinking, i really need to be inpatient, and i don't want to go inpatient.

i hate this. i want a glass of wine, but i took a strong dose of antabuse and will get sick if i drink.

why am i doing this, this sober thing? because i am an addict and can not drink moderately. because i want to see who i am without alcohol. because i need to bring my life back into control and make honorable choices.

it wasn't so hard in the past. today is really hard. i'm going to keep writing, because i don't know what else to do.

now i'm going for a bike ride, because i need to get out of the house. more later.

thanks for listening.

Mental Health Question

2010-08-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

As i'm looking for jobs, i'm having a hard time finding something that works around the IOP schedule. i know i need IOP, but i also really need money. i don't have any family to lean on, so food and shelter are completely my responsibility. still, I know i need IOP.

Surprisingly in this economy, i've some interviews and pretty quickly. i'm looking for fairly low-level, less stressful jobs, so i can focus on recovery. initially, i planned to try something part-time for a while, but then i worry about money and finances. as it is, the jobs i'm looking at are low-paying, but i could squeeze by.

for those of you who've done an intensive program, is there psychic space left to also work full-time?

i wonder if i can get well working full-time and just going to lots of AA meetings, but my gut tells me i need some serious intense work. i make such bad life decisions, over and over and over and over...

i'm still drinking, which is really bad. i need to feel the integrity of sobriety. i'm leaning on liquor to block out all the many, many issues and i'm eating pretty compulsively. on my own, i just don't take care of myself.

I'M SCARED. yes, i need a lot of help. but how do i swing it?

is she binging?

2010-08-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

Are you binging, lady in front of me on line at the Dunkin' Donuts?

As she steps up to order, something looks familiar to me. is it the way she orders so slowly and specifically -- the grilled sandwich, extra cheese and mayo, no make that two. well, three. but no ham on that third one, because, of course, it's for a DIFFERENT person (when i lived in nyc, i'd often order in my binge foods, often from several different places at once. . i'd pretend to ask MULTIPLE other people what they wanted, so the huge order would appear to serve many. i'd cringe when i saw they'd sent four forks or several fortune cookies or lots and lots of cole slaw.) or the way she sways from foot to foot, staring at the donuts, head moving - left to right to left?

i study her body -- she's tall and broad, thin on top and wide through the bottom. how does she feel about her weight as she asks for one crueller. and then a chocolate glazed, and then stops. "anything else", asks the cashier, as he starts to ring her order. "no wait," she says "add a plain bagel and, and butter on the bagel and, and an old fashioned".

"is that all", the clearly impatient cashier asks, as the line builds behind us.

she stares and waits and looks back and forth, left to right to left to right to left. her hands shake. "yes", i guess that's all", she sighs.

a second cashier heads to the front to help with the growing line. as i head to that register, i see the woman has left her keys behind, reminding me of the distraction of the call to gorge. i often left something at my corner store on the way to a binge -- my wallet, my keys -- so focused was i on getting to my carbs, sweets, salties, butter...

her keys in my hands, i go after her. "Miss, miss == your keys", i call several times. she doesn't hear -- she's staring into her bags - until i get to her car and hand them to her.

"do you want to talk?", i almost say. but don't. i walk away. perhaps she WAS just buying food for her family or snacks for friends.

still, i wonder.

blugh

2010-08-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr

that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.

i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.

boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.

the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.

i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.

i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?

a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.

BLURGH, BLUGH, ICK, EEK, AARGH, OUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

for now

2010-08-08T09:56:00.000-07:00

i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)

i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)

i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.

it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?

but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.

instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.

in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.

so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.

it started with my body

2010-08-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

Before there were drugs, before there was alcohol, and spending a fortune, before there were men..........there was my body, my eating, my weight.

i sit here, starting over. i don't have a job, i'm not speaking to my brother, i'm living with my boyfriend after having moved out.

i have no idea what i'm going to do next. and i'm gaining weight. i'm eating mildly compulsively after months of eating light.

everything in my life is in upheaval. this is serious. oh, and i'm gaining weight. what does that have to do with anything?

my eating disorder took my early years. i didn't care about ANYTHING but my weight. i didn't particularly develop skills or interests. ALL i did, and i mean all i did, was diet.

no self-esteem, no work ethic, no computer skills, no mature practicality.

i'm starting from a very early stage now. it is time to grow up. i'm going back to basics. where it all started.

i will eat. and i will learn to deal with computers. and i will get a job. and i will do something good with my life.

did i say that?

Here I Am

2010-08-05T14:02:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?

it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.

my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.

i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.

so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.

i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.

this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.

so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.

age and my weight loss

2010-05-01T13:40:00.000-07:00

again, i hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i have lost weight and need some support to get back to where i was. as i re-read what i've written, i fear it could be fairly triggering. i just need to tell someone.

i'm back from a trip to boston. boston was great -- we had time for tours and did tons of walking. i thought i ate a lot. regular lunches and good dinners, but when i got home, i'd lost another pound and a half.

i also drank a fair amount of red wine, which i'll get to later. that usually adds weight.

it's 88 degrees here. i put on one of my cute sleeveless dresses from last summer, and i looked awful. there is so much excess flabby skin around my upper arms. i looked like a very, very old woman. it scared me.

it looked so bad that i changed into a dress with some sleeves.

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse asked if i'd lost a lot of weight, as i had so much excess skin. (i wasn't really comfortable with her comments, but still...) i told her that i'd recently lost about ten pounds, and she said, "oh it seems like much, much more." OUCH.

it's different with age. when i was younger, my weight fluctuated huge amounts -- i'd gain 60, lose 70, gain 50, lose 40.... and my body was resilient. it sure isn't now.

i wonder if i've done permanent damage. i don't exercise -- maybe some weights would helps? if i gain back some weight, will it plump up my arms?

but i'm talking about exterior things here. what's going on inside? i have been really stressed and find i really don't have an appetite and then i guess i let that take over.

and it's sooo tempting -- this weight loss. even though i look icky-ish, somewhere, deep down in my brain and heart, i believe that skinny is best. it's sick!!!!!!

when i got back from my trip, i assumed i would have gained weight, because i really did eat and drink. but i knew i didn't want to have gained weight, even though i need to. when i saw the weight loss, i was....happy.

it's a distraction. the wine's a sedative.

i actually got my doctor to give me a few klonopin, because i was beside myself and i hoped that klonopin could make me feel better and help me relax enough to eat.

my doctor and my therapist made me promise and swear that i wouldn't drink. i promised and swore. and i drank.

i finished the klonopin. i didn't abuse it -- took it as directed. and it really helped.

now, i'm going to cut back the drinking from the three glasses of wine i've been having almost every day. and then i must get back on antabuse and stop drinking.

it's all so hard. but i have great hope. i won't give up. i just need to figure some things out -- ie, how to eat normally again.

thanks for listening. i've been feeling isolated.

These ^&(( %$ Jeans

2010-04-22T11:31:00.000-07:00

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i'm writing about my weight and some restricting, in hopes that i'll pull it together and get back some self-acceptance. Here goes;

I am letting a pretty small pair of jeans rule my life. actually, there are two pairs -- exactly the same size and make.

they're skinny jeans -- straight as my friend Kai's beautiful hair. i can wear them when i'm at a certain weight, which may be a good weight for some but is at least 10 pounds too small for me.

right now, i do weigh a certain weight, and the jeans fit like Calvin Klein sewed them onto me himself. as i am at least ten pounds less than my norm, all my other clothes swamp me.

it's too cold for my swingy summer dresses. i keep thinking that if it were warm enough to wear them, i'd eat more and not worry about fitting into the (&*%)^$& jeans. swinging dresses are forgiving.

i'm not eating much. stress plays into this. is it really about the jeans?

still, this is old and familiar. it's been a long time since i've focussed on staying small for my tall frame. i'm going back many years, and yet, it's so familiar.

i say swingy dress are forgiving. couldn't i forgive myself and let myself be?

how does one forgive oneself?