Pancakes were always my go to binge food, and they were my very favorite food. Because I thought they were a trigger and wouldn’t be able to eat them normally and moderately, I haven’t had a pancake in many years.
Yesterday, my boss ordered pancakes for lunch and asked if I wanted a bite. “Hmmm”, I thought. It would be interesting to test my theory that one bite would likely lead to endless rounds with Aunt Jemima.
I took a bite. It was pleasant, but – it was just a pancake. What a revelation.
I’ve had a lot of revelations about food lately, with the most important being that it’s not that interesting!!!! My whole damn life I thought food was the end all be all. I believed that if I wouldn’t gain weight, I would spend all my time eating and all of it would be rich and fattening foods. For most of my life , I thought about food ALL the time. One time, I realized I hadn’t once thought about eating for 5 whole minutes, and it brought me to tears.
Lately, I’ve noticed that my food obsession is, well, not there. It’s has though it’s been removed from me. It floors me. I don’t think about food and when I’m eating, a small portion suffices perfectly. When I’m done, I don’t think about food again until I’m actually hungry. And “fattening” food holds no particular interest.
(did I just write that paragraph?)
For the longest time, I ate well but still found myself envying people who ate more quantities and less healthy food. I stayed away from foods that were too appealing – foods I would always want more and more of. One slice of pizza seemed never enough.
But now………it’s different. Sometimes the pizza looks good; sometimes it doesn’t. And when it looks good, I’ll take a couple of bites and……….well, I’m good.
I can not believe this freedom.